


Aristotle and Dante Become One With The Universe

by lasprezzatura



Category: Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Sáenz
Genre: Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Desert, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Minor Violence, Not Beta Read, Nothing explicit, Period-Typical Homophobia, Poetry, Post-Canon, Romance, Stargazing, Talks about S-E-X, True Love, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, chapter two begins right after the end of the book, same structure as book, they deserve all the happiness in the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23334190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasprezzatura/pseuds/lasprezzatura
Summary: I smiled at the universe, and the universe smiled back.-I kissed Dante.And Dante kissed me back.And just like that, I no longer wanted to hide away in my room, or listen to overrated songs in the radio, or look outside my window to find someone I had pushed away.Just like that, I did not want to be alone anymore.-the story after.
Relationships: Aristotle Mendoza/Dante Quintana
Comments: 95
Kudos: 191





	1. antes

**_antes_ **

**_"_ This is the way the world ends**  
**Not with a bang but a whimper."**

**\- T.S. Eliot**

The sun shone through the blinds in my room, making me sweat and my eyes burn.

My bed sheets stick to my skin when I turn around, burrowing deeper into the pillow.

I was ready to waste another day.

Ready to hide away from the world like the coward I am.

The alarm in my clock made the radio turn on, with the 94 FM station booming alive with Luis Miguel's "La Incondicional" starting midway through.

I close my eyes again, the hole in my stomach (and my heart) growing bigger. Although my bed had always been a comfortable fit, it now seemed to have more space than usual, more loneliness settling alongside me.

Perfect to make me realize just how alone I was.

Everyone had someone.

My parents had each other. Gina had Susie, Susie had Gina. Even Luis Miguel had an imaginary _incondicional_ woman at his side.

Yet I was alone.

That made me angry.

Why did it have to be me? Why did I have to be hiding in my bed on a Saturday morning just because I was too scared to face everyone outside my door? Why did I have to be the one suffering while listening to music that I did not even like?

Why is it that, to this day, I continue to have no choice over anything?

A knot forms at the base of my throat, and my eyes begin to burn like when the sun was shining on them. I was about to cry, but I did not want to cry anymore.

I move closer to my pillow, trying to forget just how pathetic and miserable my existence was.

At least Dante will always be here-

Until, he too, finds someone else.

Someone that doesn't run away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this series is meant to show the lives of Ari and Dante after the book. this first chapter is a look at how Ari was before he decided to stop running away from Dante. next chapter begins right after the book ends.
> 
> i hope that with this series we can all find some secrets about the universe to change the world.
> 
> thank you.
> 
> (notes about this chapter:  
> \- after reading this again, i barely checked when Luis Miguel’s “La Incondicional” was released. It was 1989. please ignore this fact, and let’s just pretend that it was actually released in 1987, because i feel like it fits with how it is in this chapter, and i honestly don’t want to change it. sorry again!)


	2. después

**después**

**"from what we cannot hold the stars are made"**

**\- T.S. Eliot**

The air got chilly after a while, with the bed of the pick up becoming so cold we moved to the inside of the truck.

I did not want to let go of him- not after just getting him back again- and judging by the tight hold on my hand, neither did he.

So I led us to the driver seat, where we climbed together and kept kissing. And kissing. And kissing.

My hand was gripping the back of his head tightly, my fingers catching on his hair.

The other was still being held by him.

I was kissing Dante Quintana.

And he was kissing me back.

I pressed closer to him, moving under so that he was slightly on top of me. His weight was reassuring, reminding me that this was all real.

I wasn't dreaming.

This was real.

Dante smiled, looking as if he could hear all of my thoughts. His eyes were bright, his cheeks dimpled, his hair messy.

He was beautiful.

"Beautiful," I say, staring at his slightly swollen lips.

He planted another kiss on my lips, and then another.

We sat there, in the faded seats of the truck, looking out the window at the stars.

I brought him closer to me, swearing to myself that I was never letting go of Dante Quintana ever again.

**"from what we cannot hold the stars are made"**

It was 2 am when we decided to go back.

He stayed close to me in the seat, watching the passing scenery with a small smile in his face.

I drove with my left hand, because with my right, I kept holding him.

Time blurred because by the time we got to his street, I felt like only five minutes had passed (but must have been longer).

The engine of my truck stopped softly, and for a few minutes, neither of us moved.

But Dante had always been the braver one, the one who never ran away.

His voice was a little raspy when he spoke, "I don't want this night to ever end."

I brought him closer to me yet again, kissing the knuckles of his left hand that continued to be intertwined with mine.

"We'll have more nights," I told him, bringing his hand to rest on my chest, near where my heart had been beating rapidly, "just like this one." 

Dante smiled, and we climbed out of the truck. I walked him to the front door, our hands swinging slightly.

And then, we both stood there, outside his door, facing each other.

I was even scared of breathing, scared of speaking, afraid of ruining this moment.

For a second, we were both stuck in time, unwilling to let go. Not just yet.

But then he leaned closer, and he hesitated slightly when I could feel his breathing near my face. I didn't like when Dante doubted things, especially because he was always so sure of himself.

I didn't want him to doubt anything because of me.

I closed the distance, pressing our lips together again, grabbing him by the back of his neck, gripping his waist, and pulling it towards mine.

He came willingly, falling into me in a way that made my heart hurt, and made me kiss him harder.

We kept kissing there, in his front door, under the hidden stars. Not caring about anything, just caring about us.

Us.

That sounded nice. It sounded like I finally belonged with someone. Like I wasn't alone anymore.

I pulled away, watching as he breathed deeply, his cheeks slightly blushed.

He was so beautiful.

I pressed our foreheads together, closing my eyes.

Even though I didn't tell him, I agreed with Dante.

I never wanted that night to end.

**"from what we cannot hold the stars are made"**

I don't remember driving home after that.

I just remember that I was watching as Dante tried to slip quietly inside his house, throwing me a smile from over his shoulder, a smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle slightly. I remember not being able to resist (yet again), and how I had to steal one last kiss from him just before saying goodbye. He laughed, uncaring about the noise, and pushed me back outside. He whispered, "good night, Ari."

The door closed, and I was left standing outside, staring with a stupid grin at where Dante had been just seconds ago.

I vaguely remember the feeling of the steering wheel in my hands after that, seeing streets pass in a haze. And in a sudden moment, I was already in my bedroom, laying in my bed and just staring at the ceiling.

I had never felt this way before.

The smile in my face seemed to be stuck there, and honestly, I did not mind.

I had never felt as free.

If I closed my eyes and thought hard enough, I could remember the ghost of Dante's lips and hands and words all around me. His smiles stayed stuck in my mind, and it was with those memories that I began to fall asleep.

With my eyes closed, I imagine the feel of my mom's fingers combing through my hair. Her voice rang clear in the dead of the night, " _¿ves m'ijo?_ nothing to be worried about."

The truth of those words hit me in the chest, making me feel heavy and exhausted. I finally had Dante, I finally learned about my brother, I finally understood my mom and dad. 

There was nothing to be worried about.

With a last smile on my face, I got fully under the blankets, and fell asleep within seconds.

I could not wait for the rest of our summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i first read Aristotle and Dante, i was beginning to understand that i was very different from the other people in my class. and thanks to this book, i learned that it is okay to be different. 
> 
> i am Mexican, born and raised, and this book spoke to me about secrets i had never even dared to dream. 
> 
> i was just like Ari, looking for my own map to find my way through myself.
> 
> looking for my Dante.
> 
> i hope one day, you find your Dante too.


	3. the happiest

**the happiest**

**"Oh, darling, you will be good** **to me, won't you?**

**Because we're** **going to have a strange life."**

**\- Ernest Hemingway**

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to Legs licking my hand, whining softly.

"Sorry Legs," I told her, "let's go."

I was still half asleep, but I picked up some stray shorts from the bottom of my closet, and put Legs on her leash. The house was quiet, so we slipped outside without notice.

We began to run, and the fresh air of the morning felt good on my face, almost as if the wind was saying good morning.

I faltered slightly when we got to Dante’s house, but Legs kept pulling me forward, so we kept running.

But I did not want to run anymore.

Not away from him.

Legs started to whine again when we stayed rooted in the spot, both of us looking back.

The house was still dark. It was Sunday, Mr. and Mrs. Quintana were probably still sleeping, and Dante does not wake up until the sun is midway through the sky.

I wanted to go and wake him up, kiss him again and remind both of us of just how beautiful last night was.

_Later_ , I told myself. We have time now.

Legs kept pulling me back, and I let her.

I threw one last glance at his house, remembering how we had kissed by his door, breathlessly under the stars.

I grinned, and ran faster.

**"Oh, darling, you will be good** **to me, won't you?**

**Because we're** **going to have a strange life."**

When Legs and I got home, my parents were already awake.

I nodded to both of them, gesturing to my sweating clothes. I opened the leash on Legs, and went to take a quick shower.

As I stood there, under the dripping water, I tried to remember when was the last time Dante and I had gone swimming.

It seemed like such a long time ago.

When I got out of the shower, I caught a glimpse of my reflection. I looked at my hair, long enough to be held back in a bun. My lips were slightly cracked, and when I touched them, they felt sore.

That made me embarrassed slightly. 

But only for a moment. I no longer wanted to be embarrassed about anything that had to do with Dante.

I looked away from the mirror, aware of one other thing that had changed about me.

My eyes no longer seemed at sad as before.

**"Oh, darling, you will be good** **to me, won't you?**

**Because we're** **going to have a strange life."**

My mom had made me a cup of coffee that was waiting for me when I got downstairs.

“Thanks,” I said, sitting down in the kitchen where my dad was reading a newspaper, and where my mom was cooking breakfast.

The house was silent for a while, but it was no longer the same silence from before. It didn’t feel uncomfortable, it didn’t feel overwhelming.

“You seem different,” my mom broke the silence, sitting down beside me.

“I’m still sixteen,” I told her, gulping the remains of the black coffee in my mug, “just another teenager going through a crisis.”

“No,” she said, looking me in the eyes, “you’re-“

She faltered, losing the words for a moment.

I decided, in that moment, that I did not want to hide anything from my parents again. They had both trusted me with everything they had told me about Bernardo and my dad's war. If they could do that, the least I could do was trust them too.

“I talked to Dante yesterday.”

Now, even my dad was staring at me, having put down his newspaper to hear everything I was saying.

They both looked at me expectantly.

“And I-”

My voice faded. As much as I wanted to be honest with them, I was still scared.

I knew they would not judge me. I knew they loved me. I knew that they understood everything, and accepted me the way I am. But I also knew that once I told them, everything was going to change for me.

Telling them meant that everything was real.

Whatever I told them now, was going to change my life forever.

I would not be the same Ari as before.

In that moment, I wished my Aunt Ophelia were still alive. I wished she were here, holding my hand, giving me the same courage she had to have had years ago, when she did the same thing I was about to do.

I wished I could see her again, talk to her again. I wished I could tell her that I met a boy who made my stars shine brighter.

I wished I could tell her that I was just like her.

My mom brought me closer to her, running her fingers through my wet hair.

My dad gave me a small smile.

They both already knew what I was going to say. They knew, and they reassured me that everything was going to be okay.

Now, it was just up to me to be the brave one.

To be the one that did not run.

“I kissed him.”

The truth had never tasted sweeter in my mouth.

“Ari,” my mom whispered, kissing my forehead, “we love you so much.”

I started to cry.

I never liked to cry, but being in my mom’s arms, with my dad smiling at me, I felt the world’s weight leave me. 

“Don’t worry about anything. Dante loves you and you love him.” My mom rocked me as if I was three years old again, begging for her arms after a nightmare. “Nothing else matters.”

I nodded, feeling like the luckiest boy in the world.

“Ari Ari Ari.” My dad placed his hand on my shoulder. “Beautiful boy. Solo queremos que seas feliz.”

Last time when we had the family meeting, I had told them that I hated myself for wanting to be more than just friends with a boy. (Not just any boy. Dante. Only Dante). But being surrounded by them, knowing that they still love me even after knowing that I am crazy about Dante, well, how could I hate myself?

I don’t remember what I told them after that, but I was sure “ _I love you_ ”’s were spilling from my lips, telling them what I should have told them every single day.

What I will tell them every single day from now on.

**"Oh, darling, you will be good** **to me, won't you?**

**Because we're** **going to have a strange life."**

Ten minutes later, I wanted to go see Dante.

"Go," My mom told me, chuckling when she saw what must have been desperation in my face.

I gave her and my dad a smile, rushing upstairs to get my truck keys.

I gave my mom and dad a kiss as I was leaving, noticing their surprised faces but not wanting to stop and wonder why.

Waving them goodbye, I ran outside, closing the door behind me. 

Everything felt surreal, as if I was stuck in a parallel universe where Aristotle Mendoza was the happiest boy alive.

The drive to his house was short, and when I got there, I had to gather my courage to even knock on the door.

_He still is Dante_ , I reminded myself, _we're still best friends who like to stargaze and laugh and swim and read poetry._

Only now, we were best friends who had kissed for hours last night.

Only now, I was ready to never let him go.

I knocked, waiting anxiously for someone to open the door.

Sam appeared into my view, holding a book in one hand. "Ari! Come in come in!"

He ushered me inside, and the smell of hotcakes and maple syrup immediately caught my attention. They were just having breakfast. I immediately felt bad for coming so early. I should just have waited more. "I'm sorry, I can come back later-"

"Ari!" Dante came running from his room, his tennis shoes untied with the laces flying wildly. He threw himself onto me, throwing his arms around my body as I steeled us both on the ground, trying not to fall. Before I could say anything, he gave me a kiss.

I was in slight shock, not because I did not want to kiss Dante, because I really did. But because Sam was standing just five feet away, and I started to get nervous about how they were going to react, whether they already knew everything (knowing Dante, he probably woke them up when I dropped him off, just to tell them everything), whether they approved.

Dante pulled back, just in time for me to notice how his face had fallen when I did not kiss back.

I never wanted to be the cause for his face to become so dark.

So I pulled him against me again before he could leave my arms, and kissed him the same way I had kissed him under the stars in the desert. I kissed him like we were the only two people in the world, two people who were simply meant to be together. I felt him relax against me, and my own shoulders sagged in relief at not having messed this up already.

We stayed there, still by the door, just kissing like we had all of the time in the world.

But I wanted more than that.

And then, a part of me realized that I would always hope for more time.

It would never be enough.

A soft clearing of a throat made me remember that Sam was still there. My ears felt red, and when I looked at Dante, he looked unapologetic, and simply smiled widely at his dad.

He turned back to me, "I was just about to go see you."

I grinned, "you're too slow."

"No, you just wake up at the ass crack of dawn."

That made both of us laugh, and a quick glance his way made me realize that Sam was smiling brightly as well. He motioned to their dining table, saying, "before you boys go, come eat."

Although I was still a bit uncomfortable coming this early, and now to eat with them, my protests went unheard when Dante simply tugged me along with him. Somehow, our hands had come together again. I gave his hand a squeeze, enjoying the way my heart speeds up when he throws a grin over his shoulder.

"Ari!" Mrs. Quintana saw me immediately, giving me a big hug while still holding a spatula. I hugged her back with one arm, because Dante still refused to let go of my hand, and unsurprisingly, I did not mind in the least. "Sit down, I just finished breakfast."

I continued to protest against ruining their family breakfast, but no one even paid attention to my words. As I sat there, next to Dante who was pilling hotcakes on his plate just with his right hand (I still held the left), while listening to Sam and Mrs. Quintana bickering like the married couple they were, I felt comfortable.

I felt like I belonged.

"Why are you smiling like that?" Dante asked me, a smile growing on his own face as he poked my cheek.

I shook my head, and leaned over to give him a small kiss in the corner of his smile. "I'm just happy."

"Happy looks good on you," Dante murmured, leaning closer to me, "I'm going to make you happy."

"I'm going to make you happy," I repeated his words. I gave him another kiss, this time, a proper one in his mouth.

When we pulled away, I noticed that Sam and Mrs. Quintana had stopped talking, and where watching the both of us with grins on their faces.

My ears felt hot, but I kept smiling.

"We are so proud of you boys," Sam said, giving Dante and I a kiss on the cheek.

Mrs. Quintana came to stand by our side, and having put down the spatula, grab our free hands with one of hers, so that she was holding Dante and I. "You are going to make each other so happy."

Happy.

Who knew that me, Ari Mendoza, was going to be the happiest boy alive after spending so many days alone?

I just knew that with Dante by my side, we were going to have a strange life-

Strange, but the happiest life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love is a beautiful thing.
> 
> and just like Hemingway said, we all should have someone to spend a "strange life" with.
> 
> have you found your someone? i hope one day we find that person.
> 
> for now, let us enjoy the discovery of a few, small secrets the universe that are hiding inside the palms and lips of these two boys.
> 
> thanks!


	4. if the stars could speak

**if the stars could speak**

**"Whatever our souls are made of,**

**his and mine are the same."**

**\- Emily Bronte**

We stopped by my house first, since Dante wanted to be with Legs.

When we went inside, my parents were still in the kitchen, exactly where they were before I left.

Dante walked ahead of me, smiling widely as he got noticed by my mom, who rushed out of her chair to give him a hug as if she hadn't seen him in ages. "Dante!"

My dad smiled at my direction, and also stood to give Dante a pat on the back.

He didn't seem nervous as he talked with my parents, which shouldn't have surprised me except it did. Even though our families were very close, and our parents were friends who hanged out even without us, everything was different now.

Hell, I had been nervous for a while when we were at his house, even though Sam and Mrs. Quintana were the most accepting and loving people.

And now, as I watch Dante and my mom talk about Mrs. Quintana and the baby, as I watched my dad sip coffee while listening intently to the conversation, I realized that nothing really changed.

Yesterday, my whole world stopped but for everyone else, it kept spinning.

Today, I was finally spinning along with them.

I left them there in the kitchen while I went to get Legs from the backyard.

As soon as I opened the door, she completely ignored me and immediately ran towards Dante, jumping on him and licking his cheeks as he threw his head to the side, laughing widely. She nuzzled into him, pleading with her soft eyes to be petted. 

I whistled slightly, calling out "Legs!" to get her to greet me, but she completely ignored me as she gazed at Dante as if he hung the stars and moon every night. It was silly, but when I looked at him, and how his face was blushed and wet from dog saliva, how his eyes shone as he looked fondly at Legs, I felt that he truly did have some sort of magic in him, something that let him be a part of the stars we always watch every night.

No matter how many times I called to Legs, she stayed loyally firm by Dante's side, which made my parents and us laugh.

"Traitor," I said, but I couldn't fight the smile in my face as I watched them both keep playing in the ground.

Dante looked towards me, still laughing, and I began to laugh harder, even though I didn't know what we were laughing at.

It must have been because of this feeling in my chest.

**"Whatever our souls are made of,**

**his and mine are the same."**

By the time we got to the park near his house, Dante and I stopped in one of the benches, sitting close enough that his untied shoe laces were on top of mine.

We watched as Legs ran around widely, scaring a smaller dog that was trying to keep up as its human ran. I chuckled, and Dante huffed out a small laugh.

Neither of us spoke.

But I wasn't afraid.

The quiet didn't seem as deadly as it was before. It didn't scared me like it once did.

Maybe it was because now I had Dante.

Or maybe I had just gotten braver.

Maybe that was the reason why I leaned over, and gave Dante a kiss on the corner of his lips, feeling how they turned into a smile underneath mine.

"I keep thinking that everything was just a dream," he says, pressing his lips against mine more strongly now, reminding me of the night in the desert where everything changed, where everything began, "that I'm going to wake up at any moment, and none of this really happened."

I shook my head, taking his hands in mine. I looked at them for a moment, thinking of how these hands drew mesmerizing wonders, of how they were entangled in my hair yesterday, of how they were around mine now. I shook my head again, looking into his eyes, "this is all real, everything is real. You are you and I am me."

"You are you," Dante grinned, leaning down to kiss the part where our hands blended, connecting us, "and I am me."

"Yes," I grinned back at him, pulling him to his feet. I started to walk backwards to where my truck was, never letting go of his hands. I laughed slightly, "we are us."

"Us," his eyes were a little dazed, as if he still could not believe everything. I was confused, for a moment. Why was it so hard to believe that I wanted him?

But when he looked back at me, his whole face was bright, and I realized that Dante had finally gotten what he wanted all those months ago, when he kissed me for the first time. 

He wanted me. And now he had every part of me.

And I had him.

It sounded so hard to believe that I also started to question whether this was a dream or not.

_It's real it's real it's real it's real it's real-_

Maybe I made all of this up, maybe I am still stuck in a dream inside a dream, maybe I am still in my bed, burrowed under the covers, pretending the world was alright for a moment, and that I had finally learned to accept who I was, who I wanted. Maybe this was all just a wonderful, wonderful dream, a dream that let me imagine all the "what-if"'s that crossed my mind every time I saw Dante, and soon I was going to wake up to another morning alone, being the Aristotle Mendoza that was lost in the middle of a crowd, trying to find a familiar face only to have everyone be a stranger.

I must have stopped moving, because Dante collided with my chest, and when we both refused to move, we began to laugh.

In between laughs, he managed to steal a few kisses, while pushing me backwards and back towards our original plan of getting in the truck.

I whistled, then again when I was ignored. After the fourth time, Legs finally listened, and she happily bounced towards us with a stray twig in between her jaws. Dante grabbed it, throwing it away from us, only for Legs to ran back towards it, bringing it again. She laid it at his feet, staring expectantly at him. 

He looked at Legs, then looked at me, then at Legs again.

We laughed.

Her innocent eyes were enough to make Dante throw the stick again, and eventually, we started chasing Legs and each other around the park, almost as if we were back to that first summer when we first met, when we were still boys who played summer games in the day, and felt lost at night.

But now, I think we are the kind of summer boys who stand in the rain to feel kisses in our skin, who watch the stars to see what we are made of-

Who hold hands to find every secret of this universe, together.

That moment made me realize that yes, maybe this was all a dream.

But I was living this dream, and breathing this dream, and kissing this dream.

And if this was a dream, well, I never wanted to wake up.

**"Whatever our souls are made of,**

**his and mine are the same."**

When we were in the truck, we didn't actually have a plan or anything to do. For a few minutes, we just drove without direction, talking about a new book Dante wanted me to read.

"Poetry book?" I asked, turning my face to look at Dante.

He hummed, caressing Legs' head while he moved his other hand around, painting a picture only he could see, "Have you heard of Pablo Neruda?"

After all the names of writers and poets that Dante had introduced me to, this was the first time I actually recognized the name. In the back of my mind, I knew that I had seen my dad read a Neruda book before, when the war was long over but still fresh. I was sure that if I looked, he probably had a book or two of his at home. I nodded, "never read anything by him, though."

"It's beautiful, Ari," he whispered, leaning back against the seat and closing his eyes.

That day, I went back home clutching Dante's book, with faded drawings and a worn out spine, in my hands. I put it on my desk, just looking at it.

I wanted to read it, because it obviously meant something to Dante, but I also wanted to read the one my dad had.

It was already kind of late to ask him, so I walked quietly to our living room where most of our books were, setting novels aside, shuffling papers, moving letters while I tried to find the book. What I did find was the Mexican art book that Dante had given my dad when Dante first met my family. That seemed like a long time ago. A lot of things had happened to us- between us- during those summers gone by. 

I put the book back in its place, and went back to look for Neruda and his poetry, hiding around here somewhere.

I must have been making more noise than I thought, because when I turned around, my dad was leaning on the door, scaring the shit out of me.

"Fuck dad," I gasped, clutching my chest as I felt my heart run wild. He was covered in shadows, but I blinked hard, and could see him clearly now- smirking, something I had rarely seen on his face.

"What do you want to find?" He asked, coming closer to me as we looked at the mess I'd made. My heart was still beating loudly in the silence of the house, and it seemed to beat faster as my dad waited for an answer.

What was I looking for-

Really looking for?

A book of poems or more clues to help me piece my dad together?

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling embarrassed and strangely anxious. "Uh, do you still have the book by Pablo Neruda?"

He looked to the side, his face changing so fast that I just knew that book meant something more than just poems. He walked towards the desk on the side of the room, opening a drawer and moving things around. When he turned around, his hands were holding a single book.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but he beat me to it.

"Our wedding vows," he started, sitting down on one of the couches, "they were from his poems."

I sat down next to him, tilting my head to the side as I stared at him. With a glance, he smiled, and kept going.

"Your mother, she said, 'te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.'," his eyes shone as he talked about the past, about a wedding that I just realized I had never heard before.

My mom loved my dad like you love certain dark things in life, and Neruda could not have written something more real and true and perfectly fitted for the love between my parents.

My dad stayed quiet, just embracing that book like it held his heart, although it probably did.

"And what did you say?" I asked him, and begged to anyone or anything that would listen that my dad would keep talking, that he would share these memories with me, that he will give me the chance to live during a time where my life was still out of reach, beyond the closest horizon.

He gave me the book instead, sighing so softly that I was overcome with the urge to hug him.

I should have.

He stood up, walked towards the door, and whispered behind him, "When you finish it, lend it to Dante."

I crawled into bed that night, cracking open the spine of my dad's book, and dove into the castle of memories my dad so finely created.

Under the dim light of the moon and street lamp that shone through my window, I read poems about love. Breathtakingly real poems about love and passion and things that united my parents the same way Dante and I were united.

I saw the full poem my mom had said for her vow, and I understood why my dad wanted me to lend it to Dante.

It was their love story.

Near the end of the poem was fragments that spoke more than just words.

These fragments were once spoken by my mom, in a white dress with bright eyes and love filling her heart. She spoke these words without knowing that she wasn't just marrying Jaime Mendoza, no. She was marrying the Vietnam War, and nightmares, with a silent home.

And I knew that, if my mom had the chance to repeat those words today, she would do it in a heartbeat. 

**"Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,**  
**te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:**  
**así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,"**

_I love you, without knowing how, or when, or where._

I spent the whole night reading those poems, and was about to close the Cien Sonetos de Amor, when I noticed the handwriting hidden in one of the last pages.

My dad didn't tell me what he said, because he _gave_ me his words.

There, in small, cursive handwriting that undoubtedly belong to him, my dad had written, "si nada nos salva de la muerte, al menos que el amor nos salve de la vida."

Another secret to the universe- my dad wanted to talk to me, to tell me memories, to teach me about a world that existed before my own- he wanted to, but he couldn't.

But that doesn't mean that he won't try, and if all he can give me are words on a book, then I will be thankful for at least seeing the words he wanted to say.

**"Whatever our souls are made of,**

**his and mine are the same."**

Dante and I were in my room, sitting side by side on my bed while I showed him everything.

He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling, "your dad is hiding a lot of love inside him."

That was a perfect way to put it.

"You should be a poet," I told Dante seriously.

Well, tried.

Because we both started laughing after that, and Dante huffed between breaths, "between us, you're the poet!"

I pushed his shoulder, and he pretended to fall from the bed dramatically and loudly into the floor. Then, he groaned, because he hit his side on my bedside table.

"See?" I said, laughing harder at the offended look he threw at my furniture. "That's God right there saying 'Dante, you're wrong.'"

"Shut up," he said, pulling at my legs until I also fell into the floor, our laughs ringing in the room, the book forgotten in my bed for a moment.

But I would never forget those words, now forever engraved in the memories of my mind, in the secrets I want to discover.

I wonder what words I would say when we would get married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, i wonder what the stars would say if they could speak.
> 
> imagine the millions of stories they could tell, of heroes and legends and those who found true love.
> 
> maybe one day they will even tell the story of us.
> 
> wouldn't it be beautiful?
> 
> i want to thank everyone for reading. all of your comments inspire me immensely, and i cannot be more grateful for all of your support.
> 
> thank you!


	5. the look in your eyes

**the look in your eyes**

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

**\- Robert Frost**

Summer was ending, and our lives were going to change again.

It was already August, and in a few days, I was going to be seventeen.

One more year and I would be an adult in Mexico.

It was strange to think about, because now, I did not want to grow up, not like before.

I wanted to stay as a summer boy with Dante, kissing in the rain, watching the stars in the desert. 

Growing up- it was scary to think about that.

But I couldn't get stuck in that, not now. Not when our day was ending.

Not when our summer was ending.

"We won't have as much time to hang out," I remind Dante, who was trying to find ways we could be together once school started.

It wasn't that we were going to be extremely busy- it was that our schedules were the complete opposite, leaving us to wonder _when_ we would see each other during the week.

Dante would have swimming practice on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I managed to get my job again, and would work part-time at the Charcoaler Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and some Sunday's. 

Senior year was going to be a pain the ass.

"God," he groaned, throwing himself onto the grass of his backyard, "I want it to be next summer already."

"I don't." I said, laying down next to him. The grass tickled my neck. "Next summer, everything will be different."

We were both quiet.

I hated ruining the moment, but it was true.

Next summer, we will be preparing to go to college.

Maybe different colleges.

Maybe colleges in different states.

Maybe far away from each other.

We had already talked about this, when we were complaining about the ACT's we would have to take in September. 

Dante had mentioned how, when they had been in Chicago, he had loved the city; he talked of how everything was more open there, more free, more accepting, of how the University of Chicago was a very prestigious school, and how he had loved it when he visited it.

I had smiled and let him talk about buildings that touched the sky, but inside, I wanted to scream.

I could never get into one of those schools.

At best, I was going to stay here, in the local community college, or if I tried hard enough, at UT El Paso. 

Dante and I, we were at different levels.

My mom would always tell me that I am smart, that I know more than I pretend to know, and maybe it's true.

But I wasn't smart in calculus or biology or history.

I was smart about poems Dante lend me, about boys who lived in the ecotone, about always being closer to finding another star in the sky above us.

Dante, he was just smart.

"It doesn't have to be different," he whispered, coming closer to where I was, putting his head in the space by my neck. I put my arm around him. The sun gave us the warmth we needed in that moment. "We can stay here, or we can leave. Together."

Maybe we would be singing a different tune when the time came, but for now, this was enough.

"Together." I agreed, giving him a small kiss on his forehead.

We still had time.

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

The morning of my birthday, my mom and dad hugged me, and gave me a gift.

"I didn't want anything," I reminded them, reluctantly walking towards the kitchen table as my mom left to bring whatever it is they bought me.

My dad shrugged, sitting down while I poured myself a coffee. "According to your mother, you need this."

I was confused. My dad always chose his words carefully, and right now he was very specific about me _needing_ this, not wanting it.

When my mom brought out a huge box, I was even more confused.

"Open it!" My mom urged, pushing the gift closer towards me.

I laughed, opened the lid, and suddenly realized what my dad had meant when he said I needed this.

It was boxers. And socks. And plain white t-shirts. And a hair brush.

I laughed harder. My parents also started laughing.

"Thanks," I said, still moving around everything as I found more little things inside.

There was a pocket book of poetry, and a leather wallet. There was also a key chain of a small dog, who strangely resembled Legs.

In the very bottom of the box, I found another smaller box that made my ears burn, and my cheeks light up.

I didn't know what to say.

"I don't need this." I said, looking pleadingly at them, trying not to have this conversation right now.

"Maybe not right now," my mom said, pointedly looking at me, as if telling me to be mature, "but you'll need them, one day."

That made me blush harder.

I made excuses to stand up, with my mom and dad thankfully letting me go, and carried the box to my room where I put it in my closet.

I tried not to think about it, but the image was seared into my mind now.

Sighing, I went to take a shower.

A cold shower.

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

”Dante?” I asked, waiting a moment until I saw the brush move away from the canvas. I was afraid he was going to be startled after what I said. “Do you want to have sex?”

I predicted it correctly, because Dante sharply turned, the brush almost falling out of his hand. He looked at me with wide eyes, “I never thought I would ever get to hear you say that.”

We laughed.

“But really,” I said, feeling less nervous now. I watched in amusement as he fumbled with the palette in his hand.

”Right now?” His voice got all squeaky, his eyebrows high in his forehead. I loved his voice, but the way he looked right now made me laugh again.

”No!” I said, laughs still escaping me, “It’s because my mom gave me a box of-”

My hands were moving awkwardly as I trailed off, suddenly feeling embarrassed again.

Dante came to sit next to me in his bed, giving me a soft kiss on the temple. He had paint in his fingers, and when I grabbed his hand, I felt mine get stained, but I didn’t care.

I kissed his knuckles.

”I don’t want to do anything until we’re both ready,” he muttered, kissing my chin and cheeks. 

“Okay,” I breathed, afraid that if I was too loud our words would spill outside our little world. “I want to, though. One day.”

”One day,” Dante agreed, and I felt better. I hugged him, letting our bodies fall until our legs were crossed together in his bed, and I was hugging him close to me. “For now, I want to kiss you everywhere, though.”

Shivers went up my spine, and I leaned closer to give him a kiss. A good kiss. He sighed softly and kissed me back.

”As long as I get to do the same to you.” I whispered against his lips, and we were kissing again.

This time, it was me who had to sigh when I felt his fingers go through my hair, pulling it from where I had it tied back, letting it loose all over the pillow.

He brought me closer, and I went to him like we were meant to stick together at all times.

I pulled my lips away, and began to kiss my way down, laying my touch over his face, over his neck, over his collarbones.

I wanted to kiss him everywhere.

“Ari-” he whimpered, and I groaned at the sound. I laid my forehead over his, catching my breath as I watched him open his eyes from where he had closed them tightly.

He looked at me in wonder, and I was sure I was looking at him the same way.

We kept kissing, twisting in his bed, laying on top of each other.

And we kissed. And kissed. And kissed.

Then, Dante pulled away, looked me in the eyes, and asked, "Did they really give you a box of condoms for your birthday?"

"Dante!"

But we laughed, and we kissed again.

And that was another mystery of the universe-

How much could I kiss Dante Quintana?

( _For life_ , I figured.)

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

First day of senior year, Austin High School, 1988.

Walking into school that Monday felt different.

No one noticed me when I walked through the halls. No one stopped me to make small talk. No one asked me how my summer went.

I was relieved they didn't.

I didn't want the feelings of my summer to be tainted by their stupid opinions.

But of course, the two people I was dreading the most found me first.

Gina and Susie walked ahead of me, talking loudly between them about shit that had apparently already happened in the few minutes since school opened.

I tried to walk faster towards my locker, looking at the floor so that they would not make eye contact with me.

But Gina still noticed.

"Ari!" She gasped, walking towards where I was still trying to outpace them, but she and Susie caught up before I could hide from them. "Jesus, how many weights did you lift?"

I rolled my eyes, making sure they saw. Gina raised her eyebrow as if asking _really? That's all you got?_

I had to push past her and Susie, who was slightly behind her, to finally reach my locker. I really did not want them to ask me any questions.

I really did not want them to know about Dante.

_Ashamed? Of loving Dante?_

No, this wasn't shame. This was me wanting to keep what was between Dante and I something only _we_ shared.

Something that deserved to be kept between the pages of poetry books, between the stars in the whole desert, between the palms that held the universe.

From behind me, I heard them whispering to each other, although I couldn't really hear because of the loud hallway.

"What happened to you during the summer?" Gina asked when they were closer, and I was startled.

Could they really tell?

"Finally turned seventeen," I threw back, opening the locker and putting some of the stuff in my backpack away.

"No shit," her voice was deadpan, her eyebrow still raised in a perfect arc.

I shrugged my shoulders, and when I could not find anything else to do in my locker, I had to face them.

They were both wearing questioning faces and grins, Gina's head cocked to the side as Susie mirrored her.

"How was your summer, Ari?" Susie asked, her eyes seemingly innocent but I could see the truth.

They were snakes ready to bite me the first chance they got.

"Good." I said, walking towards my first period, and when I noticed them both walking in with me, I groaned out load. "Fucking luck."

Both of them laughed at that, and when I saw the desks arranged in pairs, I closed my eyes.

Class hadn't even started, and I was so done with everything already.

Gina sat next to me, while Susie sat in front of us, turning her body around so she was facing our direction. They still had those shit-eating grins in their faces.

"How was your summer, Ari?" Gina asked now, twirling her hair around a finger.

"God," I muttered, putting my head in my hands, "you guys sound like a broken record."

They were not amused.

I tried to ignore them, looking out the window instead. The sun was bright, shining through all of the clouds in the sky. I saw a sparrow flying, its wings spread wide, reminding me of a boy who once dreamed of sparrows falling from the sky. My mind turned to Dante.

Yesterday, we had gone to the desert to watch the stars on the last day of our summer.

We had only been there for two hours, since our parents _suggested_ (more like ordered) us to get home no later than nine, since tomorrow we would be starting school.

But in those two hours, we managed to talk about everything.

 _Cathedral's nice,_ Dante admitted, looking at where our hands were grabbing each others. _The people, not so much._

I had tried not to let him see the anger growing in me, but he must have felt it in my hands or something, because he turned to kiss me gently.

 _Ari_ , he said, shaking his head slightly, making the sudden anger in my fade away so suddenly I felt tired.

 _I don't want anyone to hurt you_ , I whispered into his lips, _Never again._

Dante smiled, kissing me again briefly before pulling back. _You know the great thing about you, Ari?_

 _What?_ I asked, my lips curling.

He laid his head on my chest, _You don't run._

I didn't want to run.

I didn't want to hide.

But was I ready?

I didn't know.

Gina and Susie kept asking questions, but I just stayed quiet.

But they weren't going to give up, not until they heard answers to every question they asked.

"I went to the desert again," I admitted to them, watching as their eyes widen, their sole focus on me. "But I didn't go alone."

It took a while for them to come to conclusions, but by the time they were about to speak again, the bell rang, starting first period.

The teacher tried to get our attention, and knowing that they won't get anything out of me today, Gina muttered, "This isn't over."

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

When school finished, after what seemed like an eternity, I was ready to go see Dante.

I hadn't expected to miss him as much as I did.

As I walked towards my truck, Gina and Susie were nowhere in sight, making me thank whatever God was above.

Getting in, I immediately turned it on, and drove towards the pool where Dante and I had agreed to meet.

 _Swimming practice isn't going to start until next week,_ Dante had said, _we have to use the time we have right now._

His eyes had a shine to them, like a star was living inside of him.

I shook my head, and stepped harder on the gas pedal.

There weren't many people, just a couple of kids in the shallower area of the pool, and it was kind of nice to just be here alone.

And so now, here I was, sitting next at the edge of the pool with my jeans rolled up, watching as Dante swam laps around the area I was in.

"I can't believe you forgot your clothes." He said again, shaking his head as he floated near my feet. "What kind of person doesn't bring extra clothes when they go to the pool?"

"Someone who forgot." I said, smiling at the sheer stupidity of this. I had been too busy in the morning, running with legs, putting stuff into my backpack, eating, driving to school, that I had completely forgotten to pack another set of trunks. "I'll make it up to you."

"Oh?" His voice got a weird ring to it, and if it wasn't for the fact that we both knew I had to drive after this, I just knew that he would have pulled me into the water with him either way. "How?"

I thought about it. "Don't know, what do you want?"

I knew I made a mistake when he leaned closer to me, getting my shirt wet from his hair, 

He hummed, putting a thoughtful expression in his face, "A kiss."

"A kiss?" I repeated, staring at him dumbly. "But I always kiss you."

"Yes," Dante said, already sounding exasperated, "but give me one now."

I rolled my eyes, grabbing his hands to pull him closer. The water sloshed around us. I muttered, "Fine."

And I kissed him. 

I pulled him closer to me, not caring that my jeans got more wet than they already were.

And I tried to give him the best damned kiss anyone had ever given him.

Our lips moved like they were a part of the water, and God, I loved him.

So I said it.

"I love you," I mouthed against his mouth, my voice quiet but loud enough for us. I pulled our lips slightly away, just enough so that the words fit between us.

"Ari," his voice was high pitched, raspy, and I kissed him again before he could say anything else.

I realized a bit too late that was the first time I said plainly "I love you" to him, even though I had clearly shown him in other ways, with other words.

I wanted to say it again.

So I did.

"I love you I love you I love you," I muttered as I trailed my lips all over his skin, tasting the water and chlorine from the pool. I put my lips to his jaw, to the side of his neck, to his lips again. "I love you."

He let out a small whimper, and I saw that he had small tears in the corners of his eyes. I kissed them away. He put his forehead against mine, "Ari Ari Ari." 

I kept kissing him.

Dante eventually pulled away, reluctantly, because he kept giving me gentle kisses again and again.

He looked at me, slightly lost.

I wasn't lost.

I had found everything I needed in him.

"Was that good?" I asked, wanting to make him more flushed than he already was.

He cleared his throat, his cheeks red, "Good? Yeah, yes."

I smirked, and could not resist to give him another small kiss. 

Hours later, when the pool got more filled, we decided to go.

It was still early, barely 7 pm, so I asked Dante what he wanted to do.

"Dinner?" He grinned, turning his head to look at me, "Let's go eat tacos."

And so I turned the truck, and we drove towards Chico's Tacos, where the restaurant was busy and loud, but we managed to find a table near a window, away from the center.

Dante ordered classic tacos al pastor, but I decided on tacos de cabeza.

When we got the food, Dante stared at the tacos like they were God. And when he bit into the first one, I think he wanted to cry.

"They're so good," he whispered, stuffing another bite into his mouth.

I followed his lead, and after putting pico de gallo and salt, I bit into mine. I closed my eyes. They were _good_.

We ended up trading a taco, and when we finished the order, we just looked at each other.

I grinned, and called out to Andres, the waiter, "Can we have two more orders please?"

By the time I dropped Dante off, it was already dark.

I walked him to his door, and when he offered me to come inside, I only accepted to say hello to Sam and Mrs. Quintana.

They both gave me kisses and hugs, and asked me about my first day at school, and how my parents were doing.

We talked for a bit, but eventually, they _suggested_ (ordered) that I go home to get enough sleep.

Dante and I walked to his door again, and he kissed me in the lips, then the temple, then the lips again.

I don't know how much time passed, but we pulled away only when we heard Mrs. Quintana calling out to Dante to help her out with something.

We grinned at each other, but he called out "coming!" and leaned towards me to give me a kiss.

I kissed him back.

"See you tomorrow," I said against his temple, pressing my lips there, and to every other part of his skin I could reach.

"See you tomorrow," he responded, and hugged me tightly.

Then he walked inside, and I went back home to crawl into my bed, opening a book, and reading more poems about reaching the edge of the universe.

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

"Ari!" Gina barreled into me with Susie by her side. The bell was about to ring, but I still had to grab my notebook for our first period. "What did you mean yesterday?"

I snickered, and turned around to face them.

When we had been eating tacos yesterday, I asked Dante about telling people about us.

 _I don't want to hide_ , he had told me, lacing his fingers with mine on top of the table.

 _Me neither_ , I had said, and leaned over to give him a kiss on the corner of his mouth, right there, in the full restaurant where anyone could see us.

He lit up, and that was that.

I wanted to see their reaction.

"I found someone." I said, though in reality, we found each other.

"The hell, Ari!" Gina shrieked, and I winced. God, girls can scream _loud_.

Susie was more calm. She looked at me, and then smiled. "That's great, Ari!"

I gave her a smile, both of us watching as Gina exploded.

"How come I didn't know about this? Who is she?" She demanded, and I didn't even have time to respond before she asked another question, "Does she go to another school? Is she older? You always did like older girls."

I rolled my eyes at her, and she shrugged.

After closing my locker, I walked towards our first class, with the two of them following behind me.

"Just tell us!" Gina pleaded quite loudly, making a few heads turn in our direction, and once we sat down in our seats, I gave up.

"Dante."

The world stopped for a second.

Then, Gina's smile fell, and she rolled her eyes while Susie laughed brightly, saying, "I knew it!"

"For real, Ari." Gina said, exasperated. "Who is it?"

"It's Dante." I repeated, smiling slightly. "It's always been Dante."

Susie hugged me as best as she could with a desk in front of her, and I hugged her back. She kept telling us, "I saw it coming! Since the beginning! I just knew it."

She was too busy to notice the expression on Gina's face, but I had.

Gina's eyes were wide with disgust, horror, disbelief, I didn't know. But it wasn't good.

I shook my head. I wasn't going to fell bad about loving Dante. I wasn't going to let this ruin my happiness. I told her, "There's nothing wrong with a boy loving another boy."

"How can you say that?" She whispered, staring slightly shocked at me. "It _is_ wrong."

Even though I didn't care about what other people thought of me, it still stung a bit. Here was Gina Navarro, the girl who cared about nothing at all, caring about me kissing Dante-

Just because he was a boy.

I hadn't expected Gina to be like this. But honestly, I had also been like this not too long ago. Hell, even Dante had taken some time to accept that it is okay to want to kiss and marry another boy.

For all of the things that are beautiful in this world, some of it is still seen as something damning.

I began to laugh.

Susie looked from Gina to me, then to Gina again, realizing that the other girl wasn't as happy for me as Susie was. She touched her arm, "Hey-"

But Gina stood up, walking out of the class before the teacher noticed, leaving Susie and I to stare at her retreating back.

Who the hell did she think she was to be horrified at the love Dante and I felt for each other? What the hell did it matter to her?

Why couldn't she just be happy I was happy?

Susie turned towards me, her eyes were sad. "She'll get over it, don't worry."

"Yeah," I muttered, shaking my head.

The class started, and Gina never came back.

The seat next to me stayed empty, which hurt more than I wanted to admit, but I wasn't surprised.

People never change.

The day passed in a blur, and before I knew it, I was walking out of school. I saw that Susie was waiting for me by my locker, but I kept walking. I felt her eyes on my back.

I threw my backpack to the side of my truck, and pulled out of school barely below the speed limit.

I needed to see Dante.

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

Every day after that, whenever Gina would see me, she would turn around, and walk the opposite direction.

When Susie was with her, she would look at me sadly, and smile in encouragement. 

"She just needs time," she had told me one day, now sitting next to me in English rather than Gina, who went to sit with her new boyfriend of the week.

I was bitter, "She doesn't deserve time."

Susie swallowed, and in her eyes I could see that she knew I was right. This wasn't about Gina. This was about the world teaching all of us the wrong things.

I closed my eyes, and told Susie, "Let her know that when she's ready to give up her bullshit, I'm here to talk."

Susie put her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it, and I put my hand above hers.

At least not everyone was the same way.

Dante knew everything that had happened, since I had told him when I was rambling about how stupid this all was.

"I just don't get it," I put my palms over my eyes, letting the pressure make me see stars while still inside my room, "Love is love, right?"

He smiled, but it was a sad smile, a resigned smile. I didn't like it. I walked towards him, and took him in my arms. We swayed in our spot to a silent tune playing in our hearts.

"That's just the way they were raised," he said, shrugging a shoulder as best as he could while we continued to move together.

I put my head on his neck. 

"But what's between us-" He paused, choosing carefully his words. "No one can take that away."

He gave me a smile meant only for me, and I gave him a smile only he could bring out of me.

It was Friday, and I was working at the Charcoaler, waiting for the hour to finish to finally go home when Dante came in.

There was no one else here, with the other guy who was supposed to be with me having left an hour ago. He had given me the keys to close, and left me alone. And now, while Dante sat in one of the booths, I walked from behind the counter and next to him.

We started to talk.

He told me about his mom and the baby, how the nerves were starting to set in. I told him about a poem we read in English, one that I really liked for some reason.

He had laughed at that, telling me, "You like every poem."

I disagreed with him, reminding him of the poems he had made me read a long time ago. "Remember? I hate Shakespeare."

He laughed again.

We were interrupted by the bell ringing.

A customer.

"I'll wait for you," he promised, sitting down where he could see me as I walked behind the counter.

And in walked Susie with Gina, with only Susie smiling at us.

"Hi guys!" Her voice was so chirpy I almost winced, but Dante turned to look at me and gave me a look usually my mom only gave me. I was embarrassed, so I let him deal with them as I started to turn on the oven again.

"Hey!" Dante waved, and he gave Susie a hug while Gina just stood back, playing with her nails.

Susie told me their order, and while I started to grill the meat, Dante and her talked.

"So," her voice had a teasing tilt to it, and I almost rolled my eyes. Where did the shy Susie Byrd go? I missed her. "Ari told us that you're his special someone."

Dante laughed, throwing his head back, and my own lips twitched involuntarily at the sound. I was so busy watching him that I almost burned the burger, but flipped it just in time. "I'm his, just as much as he is mine."

My cheeks burned slightly, and I started on the other burger to distract myself.

"That's so sweet!" She said, then turned to Gina, asking her, "Isn't it?"

Gina smiled tightly, not saying anything, and if her burger was slightly burned, well, who could blame me?

Dante and Susie talked about school, with Susie asking about any cute boys in Cathedral, to which Dante grinned replied, "I think Ari is the only cute guy around here."

Christ, he was going all out.

I threw him a look to let him know I wasn't amused, to which he laughed hard.

"Here," I gave Susie the paper bag, along with the receipt.

"Thanks!" She gave me a smile, hugged Dante again, and began to walk out. "See you guys around!"

"Bye!" Dante called back, and we both noticed how Gina hesitated slightly, looking at us.

I raised my eyebrow, and she gave us another tight smile before walking out.

Dante looked at me once we were alone again. "It's just pride, isn't it?"

Grimacing, I sighed, giving him a small nod.

**"Now let the night be dark for all of me.**

**Into the future. Let what will be, be."**

It was around three weeks later, Dante and I went to the desert, to our usual spot, just laying there together in the bed of my truck.

He was pointing out a constellation to me, when we heard another car coming.

We shared a look.

No one ever came here, except for us.

I jumped from the bed of the truck, and turned to see a Volkswagen Beetle coming from the distance. I felt Dante come stand next to me.

"Here we go," I muttered, and he chuckled, but neither of us could truly smile right now.

Susie walked out of the car first, coming close to give me a hug, and then hugging Dante too.

And Gina walked slowly towards us, her hands fiddling with her keys, her teeth biting her lips.

She was nervous.

I would never admit it, but I was too.

After all, she was probably my longest friend.

Maybe not after this.

The four of us just stood there for a moment, silence embracing us as the stars shone up ahead.

Gina finally cleared her throat.

"I just-" she faltered, losing her words for a moment. She stared at my hand, which was holding Dante's tightly.

I squeezed his hand, trying to let him see that, no matter what Gina thinks, no matter what any person thinks, I will love him unashamedly.

He squeezed my hand back.

"I was wrong." She admitted, her head hanging as her voice shook, "I'm sorry, about everything. Who am I to judge?"

"You're my friend," I told her, watching as her head snapped back to meet my eyes.

"I _am_ your friend," Gina agreed rapidly, her eyes wide and wet from the tears that started to pour from her eyes. I think this is the first time I see her without make up. She looks better without it, more real. "I don't have an excuse. I know I was wrong. I'm so sorry."

Dante, sweet Dante, took one of her hands, and hugged her side, immediately accepting her apology. He was too good for this world, too good for me. "Just accept who we are. That's all I ask."

She nodded her head furiously, gripping Dante tightly as she looked between him and me. I once thought that I never wanted to introduce them to each other, but maybe it won't be that bad. "What you guys have is special. Don't let anyone, not me, not anyone, make you think it's not."

Everyone was quiet for a moment.

Then, with a tilt of my head, I invited the girls to where Dante and I had been in the bed of the truck.

Dante helped Susie get up, and for a moment, Gina and I were alone.

"What made you change your mind?" I asked her, hating my curiosity for opening my mouth.

"The look in your eyes." Her lips turned into a small smile. "I've never seen you that happy, Ari."

I couldn't help the smile that formed in my lips.

"This is your first relationship," Gina starts, looking up at the stars. I do the same, trying to see the night sky through her eyes, "and you already found what I have been looking for all this time."

She hugged me, and I held her while she started to cry again. I awkwardly patted her back, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Dante shaking his head at me at how bad I was at this. He pointed towards us, and suddenly Susie was watching too, and they both began to laugh at how pathetic I was.

I was smiling so hard that I forgot for a moment what Gina had been saying. I looked at the stars again, trying to ignore Dante and Susie.

"There's more to life than boyfriends," I told her, a small smile still in my lips, "there's best friends who can make us happier than anyone else."

Now it was our turn to look at Dante and Susie, and I saw Gina smile at her best friend, just like I did to mine.

"You're right," she mumbled, pulling away to wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, "I'm sorry for being such a bitch."

That made me chuckle. "Don't apologize for who you naturally are."

"Hey!" She punched my arm, hard. I rubbed it, feeling the beginnings of a bruise forming. But she laughed too.

We got into the truck together, and I went to sit by Dante while Gina stayed by Susie's side in front of us.

Dante grabbed my hand again, and the four of us talked as if we had been friends for ages.

I properly introduced Dante to them both, even though they had already met before, and I was right- Dante and Gina loved each other.

They loved talking bad about me more, though.

"-always so depressing!" She said, laughing as she finished telling them a story from fifth grade. "He was the sulkiest boy I knew."

 _Was_. _Knew_.

I wasn't that way anymore.

I smiled, shaking my head as they kept talking, with Susie joining in once in a while.

I told them the story of the first time Gina wore makeup in 6th grade, how she looked like someone gave her black eyes and slapped both of her cheeks, hard.

"Fuck you!" Her laugh soften the words, and we all laughed.

Dante looked at me, and I looked at him. This was the first time we hung out with other people. I didn't have a reason, but I really wanted to kiss him.

So I did.

The kiss probably lasted less than five seconds, but when we pulled away, Gina and Susie were staring.

I stared back.

They shook out of it, and kept talking.

When it was probably 3 am, the girls said they had to leave.

But before they did, Susie opened her mouth, and said, "group hug?"

I groaned, but Dante pulled me in as the girls hugged us tightly.

From the top of Susie's head, I saw Gina give Dante a smile. A great smile.

And he smiled back.

And there we were, four friends under the stars, forgiving and accepting each other.

If we could do it, why couldn't the world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope one day, someone looks at me the way Ari looks at Dante, the way Dante looks at Ari.
> 
> i hope one day, you also find that person, if you haven't already.
> 
> but can you imagine how beautiful the world will finally be once we accept everyone? do you ever think we could get there? i hope so.
> 
> i hope one day, love will not be put to shame anymore.
> 
> (few notes regarding this chapter:  
> \- i had already written this a long time ago, but i was never happy with it. honestly, i'm still not, but i had to post it one day, so might as well post it today  
> \- i was very conflicted about what to do regarding Gina and Susie. i wanted them both to be allies, but sometimes we are not that lucky to have the support of our friends. i used Gina to show a situation that i feel many of us have gone through, where even your closest friends are not willing to accept who you are. sometimes they lack open-mindedness, sometimes they refuse to give you their support. however, that is not to say that people can't change, because unlike Ari, i do believe that people can accept others if only they open their hearts and give love a chance. Gina and Susie will visit the story again, but i just wanted to explain why i made the decision to have the story go this route.  
> \- i haven't edited this chapter yet, so if you see any mistakes, sorry! i'll edit it soon!)
> 
> thank you for your support!


	6. my tomorrows are yours

**my tomorrows are yours**

**"I have for the first time** **found what I can truly love.**

**I have found you."**

**\- Jane Eyre**

I was in my room, cleaning my desk and closet when I found my leather notebook.

Making space in my bed, I sat down and cracked open the spine to find my messy handwriting all over the pages.

They were words that I almost didn't recognize, from a boy that seemed to be out of my reach. Angry words of a sad boy who never believed in anything.

I hadn't written in it in a long time, probably months ago. But page after page narrated small moments in my life that I had nearly forgotten, like the time I heard my dad laugh for the first time, or when I saw my mom crying while holding a letter in her hands. These pages held a part of me that I had hidden away.

It reminded of what Dante had once told me- _when I was a boy, I used to wake up thinking that the world was ending._

That was the Ari that had written this, all of this. The Ari that said he hated the silence of his house, the Ari that did not know anything about his father's war or his mother's battles, the Ari that didn't know how to swim.

I grabbed a pen from the desk, flipped the journal to a new blank page, and started to write.

**"I have for the first time** **found what I can truly love.**

**I have found you."**

It was early Sunday, and my parents and I were eating oven-heated tamales when the bell rang.

”I’ll go.” I said, and walked to open the door, already knowing who was on the other side.

Dante's grinning face greeted me, and I smiled back.

He walked inside the house, and kissed me softly while I closed the door. He immediately took off his shoes, making me smile, and then we walked together to the dining table.

When he saw that we were eating tamales, his whole face lit us. I had the urge to kiss him again, but I settled for squeezing his hand, and grabbing another plate.

"Good morning!" Dante hugged and kissed my parents, sitting down next to my seat, and began to talk with my mom.

"It won't be too long now, right?"

"Yeah," Dante smiled, but his eyes didn't shine like they usually did. His shoulders were tense. I frowned slightly, realizing he was anxious. "Any week now, little Emanuele will pop out."

"Emanuele?" My mom raised her eyebrow, the corners of her lips turning upward.

"They didn't want to give him a Mexican name," Dante shakes his head, "Emanuele for the philosopher."

I huffed out a laugh. "Another one for the club."

Dante grinned at me, and I was glad the tension seemed to be melting off of him. I smiled back, remembering that day in the pool where we laughed at our names, and our story began.

My parents went back to talking about what to give the Quintana's for the baby, and Dante kept eating a mouthful of tamales, but I noticed his eyes were still different- sad.

When his right hand was free, I grabbed it and squeezed it. He smiled at me, and I knew that as soon as we were alone, he would tell me whatever was bothering him.

But for now, we didn't have to say anything, we just kept eating.

Some minutes later, my parents decided to go to church, and asked if we wanted to come along.

We exchanged a look, and I told my mom, "We're just going to stay in today."

"Alright," she said, taking her purse while my dad grabbed the keys, "just remember- _be safe_ , okay?"

I nodded, "We'll lock the door."

Dante snorted next to me, and I raised my eyebrow at him, but he only glanced at me, and laughed harder.

I looked back at my mom to see what was funny, but her lips were pressed in a single line. She was also trying not to laugh.

"What?" I asked at them, but my mom just shook her head, walking out the door.

"Be good, boys." My dad threw over his shoulder, and closed the front door. I stood, walking over to lock it, before turning to look at Dante again.

"What was so funny?"

Dante walked towards me, kissing me softly. Then, he snorted again.

"She meant _safe_ as in-" He waved his hands in arcs, "You know?"

"What?"

"Ari," his voice was exasperated, "you're so innocent- she meant sex-safe. Condoms. Pulling out. Those things."

"Oh my God."

**"I have for the first time** **found what I can truly love.**

**I have found you."**

We were in my room, with Dante drawing a small sketch of my messy desk on a stray piece of paper, while I read the book he had lent me.

"Dante," I asked softly, not wanting to startle him. He hummed in response. "What are you worried about?"

He sighed, putting down the pencil and the drawing next to him. I noticed that he was completely done with it, and had begun to add shadows.

Dante looked at me, and his eyes were sad again.

I stood from the chair, and sat next to him in my bed, taking his hand in mine. He maneuvered himself until he was leaning against me, his head resting on my chest, my other arm around him.

"It's just-" he trailed off, his voice small. "I'm scared."

My chest hurt from the way he sounded. I kissed his cheek, holding him tighter in my arms. "About what?"

"You're gonna laugh at me."

"Try me."

He sighed again, "I'm scared that the baby will hate me."

Okay, maybe I wanted to laugh a little. But I knew that this must have been eating him alive for a while, because knowing Dante, he probably already pictured every single year in little Emanuele's life, even before he is born.

"Dante," I grabbed his chin gently, turning his face around so he was looking at me. "No one is capable of hating you. The baby will love you, and you're going to be the best brother ever, I just know it."

"But how do you know?"

"Trust me, I know." He laughed, and I relished on the sound, because his eyes were beginning to have that spark again. "Plus, he's just a baby. He literally will only eat, sleep, and shit all day."

That made him laugh harder, and I laughed along with him.

We went quiet after a while, a couple of stray chuckles escaping sometimes.

"I know it doesn't make sense," he said, raising his hand to his mouth. When I noticed that he was about to bite his nails, I grabbed his hand, and kissed each of his fingers. I hummed, and he continued, but his voice was a little breathless. "But I'm just scared because, what if I can't hold him right? What if he hates art? Or poetry, or books? What if-"

He stopped himself, and I kissed the corner of his lips. "What if what?"

"What if he hates us for being together?"

"Hey, no." I shook my head. I kissed his lips harder this time. "Don't think that. You know why I know that little Emanuele will love you?"

"Why?"

"Because he is your brother, which means he will be as kind and accepting and loving as you are." I moved in the bed until he was below me, and I was leaning on my elbows to look straight into his eyes. I kissed him slowly, letting him taste my words, taste the truth. He sighed into the kiss, and I pulled away slightly. "And because you are Dante, and you are the most beautiful thing in this universe."

"Ari," he whispered, and brought his hands into my hair, pulling my bun apart so he could grab it all. A sound escaped my throat when I felt his fingers in my hair, and I felt my ears redden. "God, I love you."

"I love you." I told him too, and we kissed again.

He trailed kisses down my neck, biting slightly on one spot near my collarbone. I bit my lip, and brought his face roughly towards mine, bringing our lips together again.

For the first time, I let my hands wander down until I hovering my palm above the skin showing in his stomach, from where his shirt had ridden up. I looked at him, and he nodded, his eyes wide and his lips red.

I touched his stomach gently, trailing my hand up until I reached his waist, just holding him close. He moved slightly, and muttered, "take it off."

I put each of my knees on either side of his hips, and I grabbed the edge of his shirt with both hands. Dante raised his torso, and I pulled his shirt off. He grabbed my face with both of his hands, and pulled me down to kiss him again.

"Wait," I muttered against his lips, and pulled away to take off my shirt too, throwing it to the floor. Dante looked at me, and I looked at him.

Then, we started to laugh.

I didn't really know why, but it was fine because he grabbed me again, still chuckling, and kissed me once more.

This time, our chests touched, and the laughter died as he moaned lowly into the kiss. I tried not to lose my breath at how strangely good it felt, to finally be touching skin to skin with him.

I pressed closer to him still, and this time, we both gasped at the same time when our hips touched. I trailed my lips from his lips to his chin until I reached his throat, where I began to kiss my way down.

"Ari," he sighed, holding my head with his hand, making me kiss him harder all over. He moved his hips slightly, and I groaned.

"I really love you." I whispered against his chest, and he moaned softly when I kissed him again and again in the skin I could reach. "Te amo con todo mi ser."

"God, Ari." He whimpered when my lips reached the more sensitive parts of his chest. "You're making all my wet dreams come true."

"Dante!" I groaned against his skin, shaking my head as he began to laugh uncontrollably. I rolled off, and laid next to him, turning so we were facing each other.

Eventually, his giggles subsided, and we were quiet again.

"You know," Dante began, this time his voice serious, "I love you so fucking much. You're everything I could ever want."

I kissed him hard again, but I wanted to do something more, to give him more. I wanted to give him a promise, something he will always hold and never let go.

"If you want them," I told Dante, kissing his forehead, "all my tomorrows will be yours."

"If I want them?" Dante huffed a laugh. "What kind of question is that? I'll give you all my today's in exchange."

"Deal."

**"I have for the first time** **found what I can truly love.**

**I have found you."**

Maybe it was because the baby was coming, or maybe because I just wanted closure, but I wanted to write Bernardo a letter.

When I asked my mom, she was hesitant but agreed.

“Just remember what I said, Ari.” She pressed her lips together in a straight line. She looked away. “Don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t answer.”

“I know,” I said, “but I want to try. I need to tell him some things. Ask more things.”

Her eyes were faraway, viewing memories of a beautiful young boy. She was quiet. For a moment, she looked just like my dad when he remembers the war. After all, she too, has been fighting a war inside of her for so long. “I really hope he does answer.”

“Me too.”

We were quiet, together. Then, I stood up and hugged her. She hugged me back, running her fingers through my hair. “Te amó.”

I smiled. “Yo mas.”

Her lips turned into a smile, and she went to grab the address of the prison, as well as two stamps and an envelope.

I couldn’t find any words that night, nor the next. Eventually, I got frustrated.

Dante tried to help, but neither of us knew what to say.

“I mean,” he started, pursing his lips to the side. He knew how complicated this was. It had to be the right words, words that neither of us knew what they were. “Just start simple. Just say hello.”

I groaned, “That’s the thing though. If he reads just that, he might not read my other ones.”

He grimaced, and massaged the back of my neck. I moved a bit forward so he could do it more freely. I hissed when he hit a sore spot, and he kept rolling it in his hands.

"Do I tell him about us?" I asked Dante quietly.

He shook his head, "not yet. Wait to see what he says first."

I nodded, and let my head fall against the bed.

Dante kissed my temple. “Don’t worry. The words will come. You’ll see.”

I turned to give him a kiss.

I hoped he was right.

**"I have for the first time** **found what I can truly love.**

**I have found you."**

The words didn’t come until two weeks later, when baby Emanuele was born.

I had been working Friday after school, listening and humming in the appropriate moments while Gina and Susie talked about gossip.

"Don't you remember her?" Gina asked me, sipping on the straw of her cherry coke. "She used to be with us in 8th grade, in Mr. Peralta's class."

"Oh yeah," I said, nodding my head at her even though I did not know what she was talking about. When she turned her back to me, I looked at Susie and raised my shoulders, scrunching my face, making her hide a laugh in her fries.

"Well, I heard she got pregnant again," Gina continues, and was about to talk more, but was interrupted by my mom, who burst through the doors of the Charcoaler, startling more than one customer.

My eyes widen, and my heart began to race. My head was running with a million thoughts, a million things that could have happened. They all halted when I saw the smile in my mom’s face. “Ari! The baby is coming!”

I gasped, feeling a smile growing on my face. Gina and Susie squealed, and my manager, who was counting the money from the cashier machine, shrugged. “You can go. Take the next few days off. Come back on Tuesday.”

“Thank you.” I nodded to him, took off the apron, "Bye girls."

"Give Dante and his family our best wishes!" Susie yelled from behind me, and I nodded, waving at them as I ran towards the doors alongside my mom.

“Dad is waiting in the car,” she explained, and I saw his car parked next to my truck.

“Dante?” I asked her, and my stomach was jittery, my hands were shaking. I don’t know why, but I wanted to jump, to hold the baby already, to scream at the stars and show them the innocent soul that had just been born.

“Already at the hospital. He called to tells us.”

We agreed to drive separately, and then we were off to the hospital.

Immediately, I saw Dante pacing back and forward in the waiting area, chewing his nails and wildly looking around.

My parents and I walked towards him, and he smiled slightly when he saw me, giving me a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

”Any news yet?”

“Nothing.” He told us, and scratched his head. Then closed his eyes. Then continued to pace.

He was really nervous.

My parents went to sit down on the plastic chairs, but I stayed with Dante.

“You okay?” I asked him, grabbing his hand from where it was at his mouth, and kissing it. I didn’t let go of it, hoping it would get him to stop chewing his nails.

We paced together now.

He hummed, nodding his head. Then he looked at me. “Not really.”

I smiled. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

“I know I know.” He said, now chewing his bottom lip. “But what if he doesn’t like me?”

“Dante.” I laughed, using my other hand to touch his lip, pulling it away from his teeth. “We've talked about this. He’s a baby.”

“Babies can still hate people,” he muttered, turning towards me, putting his head on my chest. We probably made a funny picture, with him hunched over so he could lean against me, but I still held him tightly. “What if he grows up hating me?”

“He won’t.” I kissed the top of his hair. “Remember what I said? Everybody loves you, Dante. And he will, too.”

We stayed that way for a while, just hugging each other in the middle of the waiting room. My parents were talking quietly in the chairs, and another family was also waiting opposite them, staring anxiously at the doors leading to the surgery rooms.

“You’re going to be the best big brother.” I whispered into his ear, and he picked up his head to smile at me. I smiled back.

Three hours later, Emanuele Alejandro Quintana was born.

Three hours later, as I stared at Dante holding his baby brother in his arms, his face wet from tears, his lips in a wide smile, I found the words I had been looking for.

That night, when I was in my room, I sat in my rocking chair, grabbed my leather notebook, and began to write.

_Bernardo,_

_Hey. It’s me, Aristotle. I should probably let you know that I prefer Ari though. Everybody calls me that._

_Mom and dad finally told me what happened. All of my life, you had always been a mystery to me. I always wondered who you were, what you did, whether you loved me or not. I guess that’s why I’m writing this._

_Today, a family friend had their baby. Their son, Dante, is my best friend. He held his baby brother like he was holding all of the stars in the universe in his arms. I wondered if you ever held me like that._

_I don’t really remember you. And I hate that. I don’t really know who you are. And I hate that._

_But I saw a picture of us. You were holding me, and we were both laughing. It’s a beautiful picture. I made a copy. Do you remember that day? Can you tell me about it?_

_Can you tell me anything?_

_I just want to know my brother. I hope you give me the chance. I hope you answer this letter. I want to hear your words. I want to hear anything you want to say._

_I just want a brother._

_And I guess I wanted to let you know that, while I hate that you did what you did, I can’t help but still love you._

_I hope you answer this letter._

_Ari._

I tore the page from the notebook, and before I could regret anything I wrote, I put it in an envelope my mom had given me. Inside the envelope was a photocopy of the picture of Bernardo and me, young and unafraid. I licked the edge of the envelope, and pressed it close.

In the middle of the front, I wrote Bernardo Mendoza, and the direction my mom had given me. In the corner, I put Aristotle Mendoza, and a stamp.

I took it to the post office the next day, and tried to forget about it.

But whenever I saw Dante with little Emanuele, I would get reminded of him.

And when I held baby Emanuele in my arms, reaching towards me with little fists, I would imagine being my brother, who once held me this same way.

The beautiful thing about brothers- they are always there for you. Even when it doesn't seem like it, even when they seem to hate you, or when they ignore you.

They are always there, one way or another.

**"I have for the first time** **found what I can truly love.**

**I have found you."**

Even though it was only the afternoon, Dante was snoring softly in my bed, curled under the sheets.

Having a baby in the house was taking its toll, and Dante was coming over more and more at random times just to catch up in his sleep. Sometimes, when I would come home from work, I would find him in this exact same position, his face clear of worries, dreaming of everything and anything.

Sometimes, I would join him, wrapping my arms around him and falling asleep only to wake up some hours later to find him still sleeping.

Other times, I would just sit in my rocking chair, reading a book in the quiet of the room, with only Dante's soft sleeping sounds reminding me that I was not alone.

I wanted to have this forever.

Stretching slightly, I grabbed my notebook from my desk, and flipped to the next blank page.

I didn't write that much, but the few words I wrote were enough.

Dante turned around, opening his eyes slightly, yawning. "Come here."

I looked at him, at his messy hair, at his bleary eyes, at the soft smile on his lips.

Before I put down my journal, I flipped to the very last page, and wrote something only for Dante.

I closed it and put my journal on my desk, walking towards the bed where he was waiting.

He raised the covers, and I slid under, immediately putting my arm around him, while he scooted closer to me.

I kissed his lips gently, and whispered, "Good night."

Dante only smiled in response, before he fell asleep again.

I kissed his forehead, and closed my eyes.

That day, I didn't dream.

I didn't have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, when you feel the world slipping through your fingers, all you need to do is take a deep breath, smile, and hang on tighter.
> 
> make a cup of coffee, open the book in the deepest part of your bookshelf, and read under the light of the sun. walk barefoot in the grass, draw a landscape even if you don't know how to, sip on iced tea.
> 
> enjoy the small things in life.
> 
> because sometimes, they are the ones that matter the most.
> 
> (notes about this chapter:  
> \- i struggled coming up with a name. at first, i thought of philosopher Immanuel Kant, but i decided against the name after a lot of deliberation. i thought of John Locke as well, of maybe naming the baby Locke Alejandro, but i didn't like the ring of it. in the end, i decided on Emanuele for Emanuele Severino, who argued some points that Aristotle had once made.  
> \- i haven't edited this chapter, because i just couldn't wait to post it already. i will edit it sometime later)
> 
> thank you.


	7. i'll always want you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: underage drinking, underage smoking, homophobia, derogatory words, slight violence/blood, implied underage sex

**i'll always want you**

**"If the sun refused to shine**

**I would still be loving you."**

**\- Jimmy Page, Robert Plant**

We were hanging out at our spot again, alongside Gina and Susie, all four of us sitting in the back of my truck.

Right now, we were all worried about colleges. Well, Gina wasn't really worried.

"I'm just going to stay here," she said, sipping her beer. "Why even bother to apply? I know I can't get anywhere else."

Susie had other plans though, and I could tell that she was nervous because she was quieter than usual.

"Honestly, me too." I said, leaning my head back until all I could see where the stars. Dante sighed next to me.

"You're smart, Ari." He said, grabbing my hand. "Just apply. Who knows? Maybe you'll get into Harvard."

We all chuckled, but the air was still somber.

Dante and I had talked about this before, about what will happen once the next summer ends.

I told him to apply everywhere, to apply to Chicago, to Los Angeles, to New York. He said that it wouldn't matter if we weren't together.

 _No_ , I had said, grabbing him so he would look at me, _I can always visit wherever you go. Just, go where you really want to, okay?_

 _Okay_. He had nodded, but I knew that his heart wasn't really in it. That wasn't the end of our conversation.

"Where do you want to go, Dante?" Gina asked, and Susie turned to look at Dante too. I stared at the stars.

"I don't know." He shook his head, taking a large drink of his beer. 

"Well, where are you gonna apply?"

I looked at him now, and noticed how he was biting his lip. I reached towards him, pulling his lip away from his teeth. He smiled at me. I kissed his cheek.

"UT Austin, College Station," he shrugged, tightening the hold on my hand, "maybe University of Chicago?"

Susie smiled at him, her shoulders slightly less tense, "I want to leave."

"Don't we all?" Gina asked bitterly, looking up at the sky as if praying to God to take her away from this place.

Dante laid his head on my shoulder, and for a second, we were just four friends enjoying a Saturday night. Not four seniors worrying about their futures.

“Well,” Gina started, opening her purse, and taking out a Ziploc bag, “enough of that, who wants to get high?”

Dante raised his head, and turned to look towards me, and I looked at him. We both grinned at the same time, remembering a night with stars, and two naked boys running under the rain.

She lit up the joint and took a hit, closing her eyes as she slowly exhaled the smoke. Susie took it gingerly, and when she put it in her mouth, she began to cough wildly. 

We laughed, and while she was still coughing, Susie passed it to Dante while muttering disgusted noises. "Ew ew ew."

Dante grabbed it while giggling softly, grabbing the lighter to light it more, and put it to his lips. He pulled it away, and gave me a smile, and put the end of the joint on my lips.

I inhaled, feeling the smoke go into my throat, and exhaled before I could begin to choke. 

Dante kissed me then, taking the joint from my hand as he chased away the smoke with his own mouth. He pulled away, inhaling again, and put it again in my mouth, never looking away from me.

Somehow, this felt different than the last time we had smoked.

Maybe because I wasn't lying to myself anymore.

I passed the smaller joint to Gina, and grabbed the back of Dante's neck, pulling him closer to me.

We kissed for less than five seconds before Gina kicked my leg. "Boys, _please_."

We looked at each other, all four of us exchanging glances, and then we began to laugh.

I don't really know how much time really passed, all I know is that my chest felt lighter than before. And for once, I wasn't thinking about the future, only of the now.

This time, neither Dante nor I got naked, but we got to see Gina falling face first as she to get another beer, and heard Susie being louder than ever as she told us how her parents don't want her to go to college.

"They just want me to get married and have babies, but," Susie paused, frowning as she tried to remember the English language, "I don't want that."

My head felt lightheaded, my ears as if they were stuffed with cotton, but I still heard Dante asking what Susie wants.

"I wanna be a teacher," she admitted, tipping the rest of her beer into her mouth as we began to cheer for her. "I don't wanna be just a wife, you know?"

"Susie," Gina slurred, making me think that she was bullshitting me all those times when she would say she smoked for a living. She was clearly just a beginner, like the rest of us, "I wanna be like you when I grow up."

We began to laugh, and just like that, Gina fell asleep in the shoulder of Susie, who closed her eyes, and fell on top of Gina.

I laughed slightly, grabbing the blankets we had brought to sprawl some on top of them. I went back to my spot, and finished the last of my beer, putting the bottle in the floor, alongside all the other ones.

Dante bumped his head with mine, and I turned to see him looking at me.

"Ari?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me that nothing will change next summer." His voice was pleading, doing that thing it does when it's on the verge of breaking, as if he was about to cry. "Promise me that we'll still be together, still be best friends."

"Dante," I grabbed his hands, putting my forehead against his as I crawled into his lap. "Nothing can change what we are, okay? I love you, and that's going to last forever."

"I don't want college to-"

I kissed him slowly, taking my time to taste the residual smoke and lingering beer on his lips and the inside of his mouth. I murmured against him, "It doesn't matter if we go to the same place, or if we go different ways. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I will still love you."

He kissed me, and we fell asleep in each others arms, side by side with out friends, protected by the stars up above.

**"If the sun refused to shine**

**I would still be loving you."**

I was sitting in Dante's bed, doing my statistics homework while Dante painted in a small canvas, holding a color plate in one hand, a brush in another.

He looked like a true artist in that moment, when his eyes were unwavering on his painting, his lips in a tight line, his hand steady and sure of every line and curve he made.

My hand ached as I held on to my pencil, and I wanted more than anything to grab my journal, and compose the most beautiful poem he has ever heard, something worthy of belonging to Dante.

I looked back at my homework then, trying to keep his image seared into my mind.

How could I have possibly been so lucky?

**"If the sun refused to shine**

**I would still be loving you."**

The week after our visit to the desert, we went back to the pool.

This time, I hadn’t forgotten my swimming clothes.

Dante and I were floating near one edge of the pool, away from the others. There were kids running around in the other end, and a couple of teenagers swimming the closest to us.

But it was Sunday, meaning it was packed.

It had been a long time since we had swam together, and judging by the peaceful smile in Dante's face, he probably thought the same.

Right now, we were talking about baby Emanuele, and how he was angelic one second, and demonic the next.

I laughed loudly when he told me how the baby had pooped in the bathtub, scaring Dante when he started to notice the water turning brown.

"It was all just floating," he said, laughing as I held my stomach, cracking up, "and then he started throwing it at me!"

"Oh my god," my cheeks hurt, and my eyes had a few tears in them as I said, "that kid's going to be wild as hell."

"Tell me about it," he sighed, his laughter dying out as he began to float again, "I think my parents are trying to find a way to return him."

That made me laugh again, and he grinned at me.

"God, I love your laugh." He said, swimming towards me. I grinned at him, feeling my heart beat faster.

With the water falling down his head, his hair a wet mess, with eyes shinning and a crooked smile, Dante had never looked more handsome.

"I love you." I said, grabbing his cheeks as I kissed him, forgetting for a moment that we were in public, and that we weren't alone-

That the world wasn't ready for our love.

"Pinches maricones," I heard from behind me, feeling Dante tense up immediately, and making me close my fists.

"What?" I asked, turning around to face the group of girls and guys we had seen before. The guy that had spoken was looking at us with disgust, as if he was somehow better. "Wanna join?"

He started moving forward, but a girl grabbed his arm. "Dave, let it go."

The guy pushed the girl away, making her fall towards her friend, and making me raise an eyebrow at his stupid machismo.

Dante grabbed my fist, leaning close to me. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, noticing how his eyes were wide. His voice was shaky, "Ari, don't-"

"Rot in hell, hijos de puta," the guy said again, standing right in front of me. I clenched my teeth, and it was only Dante's hand in my fist that was holding me back from just breaking his fucking mouth. "Don't be doing that fucking stuff here."

I stared at the guy straight in the eyes, and raised Dante's hand that was holding mine to my lips, giving it a gentle kiss in his knuckles.

The guy snarled, and lunged at Dante, but I stepped in between them.

"Don't fucking touch him."

My fist touched his face before I even knew what was happening.

I couldn't think. I couldn't hear. I couldn't feel.

All I could do was watch as he spit out some blood, making the pool water turn pink before fading. His friends crowded around him, but the girl he had pushed just stared at us sadly. Dante pulled me out of the pool, grabbing our stuff with one hand, never letting go of the other. The guy was calling back to us, "Fucking fags, watch your back, I'll end you.

I grinned at him, and raised my middle finger. "Suck my dick, vato."

Dante pulled me away, and suddenly we were inside my truck, our clothes making the seats wet. I was driving, but I didn't know where.

Everything felt numb, as if the radio inside my head was playing nothing but static, white noise.

My hands must have been shaking, because Dante gently grabbed them from where they were in the steering wheel. His voice was soft, not shaky like before. "Pull over."

I did, and looked around almost dazedly to find ourselves in the edge of a road leading to who knows where.

He grabbed my hand again, the same hand I used to punch the asshole, and I noticed how some of his blood was still in my knuckles. He grabbed the bottom of his tank top, still wet from the pool water, and cleaned it until there was nothing left, except for a forming bruise.

Dante brought my hand to his mouth, and kissed it, and that was perhaps what woke me up.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, staring at the floor of the truck as I heard Dante shuffling closer. "I just hate it, hate them."

He wrapped his arms around me, nodding, and I fell into his embrace like a deserted man throwing himself to an oasis. I felt like I was my whole body was shaking, and he rubbed his hand over my back. My voice was quiet. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Dante whispered in my ear, his breath making the hairs in my arms stand. "I love you so much."

I shook my head, "I don't deserve you."

"Ari-"

"Dante." I pulled back to look into his eyes for the first time, and every second that I spent looking into them, I could feel myself crumbling inside. "You are the best thing that has ever existed, and I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who doesn't swing his fists every fucking time. Someone that doesn't scare you."

"I'm not scared." He grabbed my face with both of his hands. "Not of you, not of him. People might always treat us like this. But-"

He paused, looking straight into my eyes. "As long as you're by my side, what do I have to be scared of?"

I started to cry, and he kissed me desperately, grabbing onto my hair. I held on to his waist, to the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me, and then closer.

He grabbed my hands, and pulled me with him, both of us falling against the leather of the seats, never separating our lips. Dante turned us around, and suddenly I was on my back with Dante above me. I held on to his hips, and pulled him towards me, hearing him breathe my name. "Ari Ari Ari."

I started to kiss my way down to his neck, biting slightly near his collarbone, making him groan. He pulled away from me, only to take off his shirt, making me dizzy and delirious. His skin was still damp, tasting slightly of chlorine, but I kept kissing every spot I could find.

"Ari," he said, and a tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away with my thumb, before kissing him again. "You didn't run."

"Never." I promised him, and we kissed again and again.

Dante pulled away, bringing my torso up slightly so that he could take off my shirt, throwing it somewhere I didn't notice. All I could see was Dante, and how with the setting sun behind him, he looked like something worthy of being in a museum to be admired for his beauty.

He kissed me again, moving his hips against mine, making us groan at the same time. He whimpered against my lips. "You're beautiful."

I gripped his hips harder, and brought him closer. His eyes closed slightly as his mouth released small breaths against me. "You're divine."

"God, I want you." He whimpered again, hiding his face into my neck as he moaned, our bodies moving as one. "All of you."

That made me halt slightly, for just a moment, before I brought his face into mine, kissing him hard, but biting his lip softly.

"You have me." I whispered, and he looked at me as if I hung the moon above us. "You've always had me, you'll always have me."

"When we get into a bed," he muttered, sighing as I breathed against his neck, "you better make use of your birthday gift."

I laughed and nodded, kissing him again.

Our hips stopped moving, and suddenly Dante was just lying on top of me, my arms around him.

We were in the middle of nowhere, but somehow, we weren't lost.

"Ari," Dante began, and when I hummed, he continued, "I'll always want you."

He made me smile, and I kissed the top of his head that was lying on my chest. "You're never getting rid of me now."

"Good."

We stayed quiet for the rest of the night, letting the silence speak the thousands of words we could not.

But everything was going to be okay, because if I had faith in anything in this world, it was in us.

**"If the sun refused to shine**

**I would still be loving you."**

A few days later, Dante and I were laying in the back of my truck, staring at the sky above us.

His body was curled towards me, my arms gripping him tightly wherever I could reach.

We never did make it into a bed, but the back of my truck with a lot of blankets felt just the same.

And now, we were whispering to each other, as if afraid to disrupt the world around us.

"When I cleaned my room the other time," I told him, murmuring against the top of his head, "I found the boxes my mom had gotten, of all the letters she wrote to my aunt."

"Your aunt Ophelia?"

"Yeah." I hadn't started reading those letters yet, but something inside me had recently ached for another phone call with my aunt Ophelia. I wanted to tell her everything, how I had fallen in love, and how his name was Dante. The letters were the closest I'll get to hearing her words again. "She always used to say that Franny, her partner, was her Fourth of July."

"That's a beautiful thing to say," Dante looked at me, his eyes so soft, his smile tender. 

"You're my summer solstice." I told Dante, kissing his temple as I felt my ears get hot. I had learned about solstices in a book I had read, seeing how they were the longest and shortest days of the year. When I read about the summer solstice, all I could think of was Dante, and his bright eyes, fiery mind, and how he makes me like I'm burning.

He grinned at me. "Why?"

"Because everyday with you is my brightest day, my midsummer."

"That's so cheesy," he laughs, moving closer to me. I turn on my side to hug him closer, entangling our bare legs together. "I love it."

"I love you," I say again, feeling the words roll off my tongue as if it was the first time I ever said them.

Dante kissed me, throwing his legs to either side of my hips. I groaned at the sudden contact, and grabbed the back of his neck to pull him closer. He grabbed strands of my hair, and began to move his body again, making me go crazy.

"I love you so fucking much, Aristotle Mendoza."

I brought him closer, and both of us forgot words for the rest of that night.

**"If the sun refused to shine**

**I would still be loving you."**

It was a Friday afternoon when I went over to Dante’s house, finding Mrs. Quintana humming softly as little Emanuele slept soundly on top of his crib. I smiled at them, greeting Mrs. Quintana with a kiss on her cheek, and grazing the back of my finger on the baby’s soft cheek.

”How is he doing?” I asked quietly, watching as Emanuele sighed now and then, shuffling his little head to the side. I looked at Mrs. Quintana, noticing the bags under her eyes, the tired tenseness that never seemed to leave her shoulders. Yet, her smile was soft, pure. “How are you doing?”

”We’re all good,” she responded, smiling at my direction. “A little tired, but happier than ever.”

I smiled. It was moments like these, when Mrs. Quintana let down her guard, that I saw more and more of Dante in her. When she smiled, her eyes crinkled the same way his did when he smiled with all his teeth. 

“That’s good to hear.” I smiled at her, and began to move out the door of the nursery. “My mom sent some menudo she made today. I left it in the kitchen.”

She smiled at me again. “Tell her thank you, and that she and Jaime should come over more often.”

“Will do.” I waved at her, and ducked outside the room, going over to Dante’s that was just down the hall.

Inside was a scattered mess of papers, books, and clothes, all thrown around in the floor and in his desk. A bare canvas was lying against the wall, and some brushes were drying near the open window. I peeked outside, and noticed how Dante was laying in the grass with his eyes closed, his arms behind his head.

I didn’t know if he was sleeping or not, so I softly whistled. He opened his eyes, and his gaze immediately landed on me. We grinned at each other, and he waved me down.

I walked down the stairs, past the kitchen, and into the backyard, where Dante was waiting for me.

He patted the ground next to his body, and I laid next to him, feeling the blades of grass tickling the back of my knees.

“No work today?” He asked, grabbing my hand in his as I settled closer. 

“Got the whole week off.” I said, sighing as Dante played with my fingers. “I’m thinking of quitting.”

“Oh?” He moved closer to my side, pressing our legs together as I smiled up to the sky.

”Yeah,” I nodded even though he probably couldn’t see, and brought his hand up to my mouth. “I have some savings, and I-”

My voice trailed off because Dante perked up. “You?”

”I want to spend more time with you.” I mumbled, turning my face to look at the grass next to my head. 

Dante moved towards me, planting a kiss on my cheek. He was quiet, because he probably knew what I meant.

College was scarier than we had originally thought.

And it hadn't even begun yet.

We went quiet for some time, watching as the sky eventually turned from blue to warmer shades, the moon appearing slowly from down below.

“Look.” Dante pointed up, where the sky was burnt orange, fading into an ocean of reds and pinks. “The sky’s burning.”

My eyes trailed the scattered hues all above us, making me imagine that if the colors of the sky were a song, it would be the most beautiful song in the universe.

I turned to look at him, and Dante’s eyes mirrored the orange of the sky, making them look as if he had small flames inside. 

It was very accurate, and very breathtaking. 

Moving closer, I raised myself on my elbow until I was above him, grinning slightly as his eyes widen. “Oh, I quite like this view.”

I huffed a laugh, and leaned down to kiss his lips softly, pulling away before he could put his hands around me. Instead, I laid down again, smirking at the sky.

He muttered something that sounded quite close to “tease” before he threw himself into me. I groaned at his sudden weight, and then he was kissing me, really kissing me.

I put my hand in his hair, and brought our faces closer, letting my other hand drop lower and lower down his body. 

“Boys!” Sam’s voice was suddenly booming in the patio, and we turned at the same time to look at where his head was peeking out of the sliding doors. He must have just gotten home from his new temporary job at the local newspaper, because he still had his suitcase in his hand. “Time for dinner!”

”We’re going!”

We pulled away from each other, and I stood up, brushing the grass from my clothes. I reached down and pulled Dante to his feet, and once he was standing, I pulled him again until we were kissing again.

”Boys!” Mrs. Quintana’s voice rang from inside the house, and I grinned at her as Dante hid his face in my neck.

”Sorry!” I yelled back, and pulled Dante along as we walked back inside the house, and into the dining room. 

That night, I understood why Dante preferred to sleep in my house. 

He was groaning next to me, the dark of the room only letting me see his silhouette as he covered his ears.

Baby Emanuele was wailing. Loudly.

We could hear Mrs. Quintana shushing and singing lullabies as she tried to calm him down, but nothing. 

"Should we try to help?" I murmured as I threw my head harder towards the pillow, trying to block the shrill screams of the newborn who was born with lungs of steel.

"Won't work." Dante yawned loudly, then groaned again when Emanuele cried harder. Dante shook my arm, "Can we go to your house?"

"What about your parents?"

"They'll be fine." Dante waved his hand, then stood from the bed, and flipped the switch, making us both wince at the harsh and sudden light. "Besides, it's their fault. They wanted to have a baby. They got a baby."

I laughed at that, putting on my jeans as Dante grabbed some clothes. I grabbed my keys from his bedside table, and we walked outside his room.

Dante poked his head through his parents bedroom, and said softly, "Ari and I are gonna go."

They must have been more tired that I expected, because they didn't even try to argue about the late hour or the dark outside. All I heard was Sam's sleepy voice saying, "Be careful."

We climbed into my truck, and drove in silence towards my house, Dante nearly falling asleep in my shoulder.

Slipping in quietly, I heard Legs bark once, before I quickly shushed her. "Legs!"

Immediately, she came to us, and all three of us went to my room quickly before my parents heard.

Dante slipped off his shirt, and only now did I notice that he hadn't even put on shoes when we left his house, making me chuckle. Dante turned to look at me. "What?"

I shook my head. "Shoes."

He looked at his bare toes. Then, he wiggled them. We began to laugh but quickly shut up when I noticed my clock pointing at two in the morning.

I quickly took off my pants, and then we climbed into the bed, with Legs climbing as well, immediately making Dante cuddle her. 

"Good girl." He whispered, and petted Legs while I embraced Dante from behind. "Good night."

"Good night." I told him, kissing the side of his neck before closing my eyes.

**"If the sun refused to shine**

**I would still be loving you."**

I was the first one to wake up in the morning.

Dante was sleeping next to me, sighing now and then, with Legs snoring by the foot of the bed. I smiled, and carefully leaned over until my fingers grazed the box my mother had given me.

Inside were letters.

It finally felt like a good time to read them, when I wanted to talk to my aunt Ophelia more than ever.

When I opened the first one, my mother's handwriting greeting me. 

I leaned closer to my lamp, since it was still dark outside, and began to read the neat cursive that adorned the white page, narrating stories of a pain felt too deep, but of a hope even greater than that.

My mother wrote about my father sometimes, about how there are days when she feels she can't reach him, as if he's kilometres away. She wrote about me more often, telling my aunt about a lost boy who loved to stare at the stars, as if trying to find himself amid the seas of the constellations.

More often, she told Aunt Ophelia how we all love her.

There were hundreds of letters, thousands of words shared between sisters, millions of stories exchanged.

Endless promises of love written in cursive.

Closing one letter and opening another felt like the universe was finally baring itself to me, like I could finally understand every naked piece of this puzzle we call life.

It was beautiful.

**"Mountains crumble to the sea**

**There will still be you and me."**

**\- Jimmy Page, Robert Plant**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while i was writing this chapter, i listened to Led Zeppelin's song "Thank You."
> 
> it's a beautiful song, fitting for a pair of beautiful boys.
> 
> and i want to say thank you, to all of you, for giving me a chance. for reading these words. for helping me continue Ari and Dante's story.
> 
> thank you.
> 
> (notes:  
> \- i wrote this chapter quickly, because Benjamin Alire Saenz just announced that he has finished the sequel! i am incredibly excited, and cannot wait to read it!  
> \- haven't edited it yet)


	8. i was always looking for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: implied underage sex

**  
i was always looking for you**

**"Through all of youth I was looking for you**

**without knowing what I was looking for."**

**\- W.S. Merwin**

"Ari," My mom said from the kitchen, where I saw her feeding chicken to Legs, who sat obediently near her feet. When she saw me, I noticed her eyes were glassy, as if she was on the verge of crying. My mom smiled widely at me before I could even begin to worry. "Check the mail."

I noticed the stack of letters on top of the dining table, and at first, I couldn't find what my mom wanted me to see.

There were the usual bills, the typical advertisements, and in the very bottom, a single white envelope.

A gasp escaped me when I saw the front.

_To Ari Mendoza_

_From Bernardo Mendoza_

I stopped breathing for a moment.

The world seemed to have stopped as well, because for a single second, I could not hear anything from the outside world, could not see anything but the neat letters scrawled on the left corner and center of the envelope, could not feel anything but the sudden weight of the world on my shoulders as everything I had wondered about my brother was hidden right in my fingertips, just behind these thin papers.

Then, a surprised laugh left me, and the world went back to dance along to the tune of the universe.

I felt tears gathering in my eyes too, and I looked back at my mom, both of us sharing smiles.

Right there, in the middle of the kitchen, I carefully ripped open the envelope, with the first thing falling out being a folded paper.

Opening it, I noticed my hands were shaking, and I breathed in slowly as my mom took Legs outside for a moment, after stopping to give me a kiss in the temple.

Inside the folded paper was a drawing.

A life-like drawing of the picture I had sent him, of the two of us, drawn with a dark pencil, shaded with a fingertip, traced with a smile.

My brother was an artist too, it seems.

That thought made me happy.

Inside the envelope, apart from the drawing that I had the sudden urge to show Dante, there was a second paper, indented from the weight of his words.

Swallowing nervously, I opened it.

A sharp, more neat than messy, handwriting greeted me, Spanish words covering the entire page.

And for the first time in nearly fifteen years, I heard my brother's voice again.

_Ari,_

_I never expected to see you again, but reading your words made me think that I can see you._

_You must be so grown now, so tall._

_Do you still like baseball?_

_That's what we were doing in the picture._

_Dad had bought us a ball and glove, and I was teaching you how to throw, but your chubby fingers couldn't even hold the bat._

_But you weren't sad, no._

_You just smiled._

_Ari, I wish I could see you, see how much you've grown, see the man you are now._

_It hurts, knowing that I missed all of your birthdays, and your first days of school, and meeting your best friend, your girlfriends._

_Tell mom and dad that I'm sorry, that I'll always be sorry. That I'm ashamed of myself, that it’s not their fault. Tell them I'm sorry._

_And I'm sorry, to you too, for taking away your brother._

_After all this time here, alone, I finally realized that I was so damned dumb back then. I ruined my life, our parents' life, and for what? Hatred?_

_I regret it. I regret everything._

_But Ari, if you still want to, give me a chance to be your brother._

_Write to me, as much or as little as you want._

_Tell me about school, about Cecilia and Sylvia, about Dante._

_I swear I'll try now, as much as I can._

_Bernardo._

_P.S. "Ari" is a great name. If you switch the letter, it becomes "Air". Did you figure that out?_

Tears were falling from my eyes, but a wet chuckle left my lips. I thought, y _es, Bernardo, I figured that out._

I re-read the letter as I was getting ready for work, and before I left, I gave it to my mom.

“I think he wants to talk to you, but he’s afraid to.” I told my mom, watching as she stared at the letter in her hand with something akin to dread. She was afraid too.

I hugged my mom, whispering “te amo” into her hair, and left for the Charcoaler.

The last image I saw was my mom sitting on the kitchen chair, her eyes lost as she tried to gain strength to read the words she’s been aching for all this time.

**"Through all of youth I was looking for you**

**without knowing what I was looking for."**

In October, college applications started at our school.

Dante and I would occasionally go to the library downtown, and sometimes Gina and Susie would tag along.

“What are you gonna do your personal statement on?” Susie asked Dante, her eyes fixed resolutely on the blank paper in front of her. Gina, surprisingly, was almost done with hers.

Dante hesitated, making me curious about his essay, since he hadn’t let me read it yet. “It’s not finished.”

Susie looked like she was about to keep bothering him about it, but she probably noticed his tense expression, because she glanced back at me, and all I could do was shrug.

He hadn’t let me read his essay either.

Gina was about to open her mouth, but I glared at her. She rolled her eyes, and kept writing.

Susie groaned out loud, and slammed her head on the desk. Someone hushed nearby, but we all ignored them. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Why don’t you write about why you want to be a teacher?” I asked her, my own blank page mocking me. “Or how you want to go to college, even if your family doesn’t approve?”

She looked to the side for quite some time, but finally gave a small nod, as if bracing herself. I watched with a smile as she grabbed her pencil after a few minutes, her mouth settling into a determined line, and began to write.

Now it was my turn to put my head in my hands. The words just wouldn’t come to me, and I felt the exact same way I felt when I tried to write Bernardo’s letter.

But this time, there wasn’t going to be another baby being born to give me more inspiration.

This would have to be all me.

Dante kicked my foot from under the table, and I looked at him. The corner of his lips curved, and he whispered, “Okay?”

“I don’t know what to write about either.” I whispered back, and he grabbed my hand.

“The words are already inside you. You just need to find them.”

I nodded, and glanced at my paper again as Dante continued to write his essay. _  
_

_You just need to find them._

When I got home later that day, I sat in my bed with a notebook in my lap, and remembered a phone call I once had with my Tia Ophelia.

I had told her how I always felt like I was the only boy in the world, how I would just float aimlessly in a sea of people, and no one would ever see me.

“Yo te veo, Ari.” She had said, her voice shaky through the phone. “Y algun dia, alguien te va a ver como si tu fueras lo unico que existe en este universo.”

_One day, someone will look at you as if you are the only thing that exists in the universe._

Closing my eyes, I prayed to her.

Tia Ophelia, el me vio.

_He saw me._

Dante.

I picked up the pencil, and started to write about my aunt Ophelia, about how she loved differently, but stronger than anyone.

I wrote how I happen to be loved the same way.

And how one summer day, floating in the pool water, a boy with a strange name (just like mine) saw me.

**"Through all of youth I was looking for you**

**without knowing what I was looking for."**

I officially quit at the Charcoaler a few days later, giving my two-weeks notice.

The manager waved his hand at me, rolling his eyes as he counted the bills on the register.

"Just finish this week," he said, pointing towards the wall near the stove where our schedules were posted. "Alma's working full-time now."

Nodding, I went back to the cashier, and exhaled in relief.

Mike, who had just finished taking an order, looked at me. "You quittin'?"

"Yup."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Cool."

I turned back to the stove, and flipped the burgers.

Only Friday and Saturday, and then I was free.

On Saturday night, once I finished my last shift, I put my last paycheck in my wallet. Then, I hurried to pick up Dante, since we had planned to go to our spot.

He was waiting for me outside his house, sitting in the porch with a book in his hand. Dante's expression brightened when he noticed me, and he gave me a kiss once I reached him, smiling. “I’m gonna miss the smell of burgers on you.”

I laughed. “Shut up.”

He grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the truck, but I pulled him back. “Let me say goodbye to your parents.”

“They’re at your house already,” He said, pulling me again, and this time I let him.

“My house?”

“They’re doing carne asada, remember?”

Soon enough, we arrived at my house, where I took a quick shower before saying hello to everyone.

Dante waited for me in my room, reading his book while he laid on the bed.

Once I was dressed, I walked to my room, drying my hair with a towel. “I really need to cut my hair.”

“Don’t.” Dante quickly said, looking up from his book with wide eyes. “No, don’t.”

I looked at him. He bit his bottom lip. Cocking my head to the side, I walked towards him, raising my eyebrow in surprise. “Do you really like it this long?”

When I reached him, I pulled his lip away from his teeth, and kissed him. When we pulled away, his normally light eyes appeared almost dark.

“I really, really like it this long.” He muttered, sitting up, and reaching to grip my head with both of his hands. His fingers weaved through my wet hair, and pulled me towards him again.

Dante kissed me almost desperately, pulling me to him until I was laying above him on the bed, our legs intertwined while he bit my lip.

Groaning, I pulled away slightly. “Dante, we have to go-“

He shook his head. “Just kiss me.”

So I did. I gripped his neck, and he kept his hold on my hair, and we kissed until we were gasping for air.

And until we heard the patio door open, and voices filtering in.

We pulled away, and looked with dread at the open door of my room, expecting someone walking in.

But my mom and Mrs. Quintana, who had come inside, were still downstairs.

I gave Dante another kiss, then one more, and climbed down his body and into the floor. I pulled him up, and he kissed me again, softer this time.

With a grin in his face, he grabbed a hair tie, and put my hair into it’s usual bun.

I smiled at him, and we just looked at each other for a moment.

“C’mon,” I grabbed his hand, and we walked downstairs. “Let’s go.”

But then my stomach grumbled, and almost as if responding, Dante’s did too right after. We laughed.

“Let’s eat first.”

Our moms were in the kitchen, talking while my mom cut onions and Mrs. Quintana seasoned some wings.

When they saw us, my mom raised her eyebrow and Mrs. Quintana grinned. “Were you guys upstairs the whole time?”

“I was taking a shower.” I quickly said, rubbing the back of my neck as Dante kissed my mom and his mom in the cheek.

My mom though, she just loved to make me suffer. “With Dante?”

“Oh my God, mom!” All four of us laughed, and we walked outside where our dads were with baby Emanuele, who kept giggling at Legs.

We ate ribs and wings, accompanied with grilled onions and chiles toreados. Music was playing in Sam’s boombox, Timbiriche singing about how life is better singing.

Sam told us stories from his work at the newspaper, how an intern accidentally poured coffee all over the editor in chief, who even had to go to the hospital for burns. He laughed while telling us how one of his coworkers had worst grammar than a high schooler, making my mom laugh hard and Dante and I complain.

Legs was already asleep, laying down at the feet of my mom, who was currently swaying baby Emanuele gently in her arms.

Eventually, Dante and I bid our parents goodbye.

“Look out for the rain,” my dad said, waving at the sky and I nodded.

After they continued to tell us to be careful, and to drive safe, we walked inside the house again, packed some blankets, two books, and a flashlight.

Then we drove in the dark of a Saturday night, talking lightly about new books we’ve read, with Dante recommending one about the different realms of the world, about a god who was both god and devil, and a boy who understood one had to destroy his youth to become himself.

It sounded interesting, and dark, and Dante promised he was going to lend it to me when we got back.

In return, I told him about poems I've recently read, all by Emily Dickinson, and how my favorite one was "I felt a Funeral, in my Brain." I told him how strangely unnerving it was, how she kept ascending to madness, asking questions and receiving only silence as an answer.

And once we are in our favorite spot, under the stars, we held hands as we talked about everything.

Dante told me about the swimming competitions that are coming up, and I promised to go see him once they start.

I told him about the letters I’ve been writing to and receiving from Bernardo, and how I have finally begun to paint the picture of who he is.

“I’m going to tell him about us.” I turned to Dante, and he smiled gently, nodding. He must have noticed that I was nervous, because he kissed my hand.

“Everything will be alright,” he muttered, coming closer to me. “You’ll see.”

I wanted to believe him so badly, but a part of me knew that everything I had carefully and delicately built would undoubtedly break, and everything would change after that letter.

Even still, I didn’t want to hide.

The rain started falling an hour later.

Dante and I looked at each other, grinned simultaneously, and hurriedly took off our clothes, putting them inside the truck.

When we were down to nothing more but our tennis shoes, we ran around as the cold droplets fell to our bodies. Dante laughed wildly, throwing his head back, and waved me over.

Closing the distance between us, he touched my chest, and I grabbed him, pulling him towards me until our faces were just centimetres away.

And I kissed him. And I kissed him. And I kissed him.

And he never stopped kissing me back.

And there we were, two boys kissing under the rain.

In that moment, I could have sworn the universe belonged to us.

**"Through all of youth I was looking for you**

**without knowing what I was looking for."**

The moment we started shivering, we ran back to the truck, climbing to the inside, dripping wet from the rain.

We giggled, and I gave Dante a spare blanket we had to dry himself, and turned up the heater in the truck.

Dante passed me the blanket, and I patted my body until I could put on my clothes and not feel that uncomfortable.

“We didn't even get high!” Dante pouted slightly, making me snort and kiss him on the cheek.

“Should we go?” I asked, frowning at the harder rain and strong wind that was picking up with every second that passed.

Dante nodded, “Before we get stuck.”

Of course, with our luck, that was going to happen sooner rather than later.

And indeed it did.

Before we knew it, I had to stop the truck before we could get stuck in the sand.

I turned off the engine, the lingering heat inside the truck more than enough to prevent hypothermia. When the only sound was the rain beating against the hood, I turned to Dante. “What do we do now?”

Dante hummed under his breath, pondering, but didn’t say anything. And when I turned slightly to look at him, I noticed the mischievous smirk in his face. His voice was innocent, unlike the expression in his face. “I have an idea.”

When I raised my eyebrow, he grinned even more, and suddenly jumped on me, putting his legs around my waist, circling his arms around my neck.

“Oh,” my voice was small, but the look in his eyes made me grin too. “That kind of idea.”

He kissed me, stealing any other words remaining in my mouth, and I groaned at the blistering heat I now felt.

I grabbed his thighs tightly, pulling him closer to me hard, a little gasp escaping his lips.

That was enough encouragement for me to trail my lips down his jaw, leading a path of kisses and bites all down the curve of his neck.

He was panting with his head leaned back, his eyes closed. Then, his hips started moving the way that drives me mad- small circles, slight bounces, thighs pressed as closely as possible to mine.

I bit softly, then slightly rougher where I felt his pulse beat, and the groan that fell from his lips made me grin.

He tighten his hold on my hair, and suddenly pulled me back, until I was the one gasping at the look in his eyes.

Pure and plain hunger.

It still amazed me that a person like Dante- a beautiful, unique, brave person like Dante- could want me as much as I wanted him.

It was overwhelming, in the best way it could possibly be.

God, I never wanted this to end.

The rain kept falling as our clothes disappeared for the second time that night, as Dante and I kept groaning and sighing into each other.

And the whole time, Dante kept my hair in a tight fist, roughly pulling it as we moved to a rhythm only we heard.

“You like doing that, don’t you?” I asked him, but my voice was nothing more but a mere whisper.

He grinned at me. “Oh, I love it.” And he started to move faster.

Our combined breaths were fogging up the windows until the inside of the car was warm and humid. Our lips became bruised, our necks sore, our bodies touching in every way imaginable.

Surely, this is what heaven must feel like.

Eventually, Dante fell against me, our sweaty chests touching as he burrowed deeper into my arms. I held him tightly, closing my eyes as I laid my forehead on his neck.

“Dante?”

“Mm?”

“Te amo.”

I felt him smile against my bare skin.

“Ari?”

“Mm?”

“Yo también te amo.”

I smiled against his temple.

Dante rarely spoke Spanish, mainly because he wasn’t comfortable with it. But when he did, Spanish suddenly became the most beautiful language in the world, and the words he would whisper would become echoes I would try my hardest to never forget.

We stayed that way until the rain receded more, until sensitivity reluctantly pulled us away.

Dante passed me my shirt, and I passed him his shorts as we got dressed in the cramped space.

I rolled down the windows, sighing as I smelled the rain and outside air.

I used to say that boys like me belonged to the rain. And as I listened to the soft drumming of the droplets against the window, I thought of how that continues to remain true.

Only now, as I looked at Dante, giving him a smile, and receiving a kiss in return, I understood:

Maybe boys like me and Dante belonged to the rain. But we also belonged to each other.

We held hands as I drove away from the desert and back to our houses.

I didn’t have to drive home, not when he was sitting next to me.

**"Through all of youth I was looking for you**

**without knowing what I was looking for."**

When Dante and I left to our respective houses, it was already Sunday night.

My parents were in the living room, with my mom grading some essays, and my dad reading a book.

I waved at them, and answered their questions about the trip.

“It was fine,” I grabbed an apple from the kitchen, and petted Legs as she ran all around my legs. “The rain wasn’t that bad.”

They nodded, and after saying good night, I went to my room, Legs following me.

The next day, Monday morning, when I walked downstairs, my mom stopped flipping the eggs with ham, and stared at me with a raised eyebrow.

“What?” I asked, raising my own eyebrow at her as I poured black coffee into a mug.

“Have you looked at the mirror?” She asked, turning to the pan, while my dad turned to look at me, a smile slowly growing on his face. I shook my head at her, but kept looking at them strangely.

“Oh, how it is to be young.” He shook his head, and kept reading the newspaper. My mom glanced at him amusedly, and grinned when he turned that smile to her.

I was just confused. “What?”

She huffed a laugh, and pointed to the stairs. “Go get another shirt. And look in the mirror.”

I did like she did, although I was still unsure why she was saying all of that. Was she giving me _indirectas_ to cut my hair? And why change my shirt? I looked at it, a plain colored shirt, and couldn’t find it dirty or ripped.

“Hurry up or you’ll be late!” My mom’s voice boomed through the house, and I hurried towards my room, grabbing another random shirt I could find in the bottom of my closet.

Then, when I went to the mirror, I was mortified.

Because my reflection not only had wide eyes and an open mouth, but also a path of love bites trailing all along my neck.

“Fuck.”

I closed my eyes, and had to stop myself from laughing of the pure embarrassment that was running through my whole body.

I wasn’t ashamed that Dante had left me these marks, no.

I was just embarrassed that my mom and dad saw them.

“Fuck.” I whispered again, and went to my room to try to find another shirt with a higher collar, although I knew that I didn’t own any.

Oh, well.

Fuck it.

I walked back downstairs, and stopped before going into the kitchen.

My cheeks and ears felt hot, but I breathed in, breathed out, and walked in.

My mom glanced at me, and when her eyes landed on my neck, she just tutted and gave me a plate.

After kissing them goodbye and saying “I love you” to both of them, I started to walk towards the front door before my dad’s voice stopped me. “Ari.”

I turned to look at him, and he smiled again. He had a great smile, one that made me grin, just like it made my mom grin too. But his words made me wince. “Make sure that Dante does them lower next time.”

“Jaime!” I heard my mom say to my dad, but I didn’t see either of their expressions because I was too busy running out the door.

Before walking to my first period, I braced myself against a locker, inhaling and exhaling. Them, before I could waste more time and be late, I walked in.

My eyes betrayed me and immediately zeroed in on Gina and Susie, both who smiled at me until their eyes widen.

“Holy shit, Ari!”

“Damn, Dante’s wild!”

"Wish I was that lucky!"

I felt my ears get hot once again, and I sat down on the empty seat behind the girls.

Immediately, both turned on their seats, and gave me shit-eating grins.

“How was yesterday?” Gina asked, smirking as she chewed on a bubblegum. “Anything _special_ happen?”

“Every moment with Dante is special.” I tell them blandly, though amused when Gina snorted.

“That would almost be cute,” Susie starts, “if you weren’t changing the subject!”

I rolled my eyes at them, barely listening as they kept pushing me to tell them all about what happened. Instead, I turned to look at where two other girls were whispering behind their palms, subtly pointing at me (though not so subtly, because I noticed).

I glared at them, and they blushed, turning to look at the front of the class again.

When I turned back to them, Gina was shaking her head, rolling her eyes while Susie giggled.

“What?” I frowned at them, and Susie shook her head.

“Nothing nothing-“

Gina cut her off. “With those hickeys, you look like a bad boy.”

My mouth opened as Susie nodded, pursing her lips. She offered, “You look like a jock?”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

**"Through all of youth I was looking for you**

**without knowing what I was looking for."**

I called Dante after dinner, figuring that he was already back from swimming practice.

“Ari!”

“Dante.”

The tone of my voice must have been serious or something, because Dante softly asked. “What happened?”

“You gave me a shit ton of hickeys, that’s what happened.” I hissed into the phone, looking around as if someone could hear me, though I knew my parents were outside with Legs.

Dante began to laugh wildly, making me laugh, though I tried to keep the same tone as before. “It’s not funny! I got so much shit for it.”

“You weren’t complaining last night.”

“Dante!”

“Sorry sorry.” His voice was still amused, even when he asked me. “Who gave you shit?”

I groaned, hitting my forehead against the table where the phone was. “Susie called me a jock, Dante. A fucking jock."

Dante's laugh was contagious, and I waited for Dante to calm down before delivering the final blow.

"And my dad told me to tell you to make them lower next time.”

Dante lost it again, and even though I was also laughing at how ridiculous it was, I hung the phone as revenge.

Not even two seconds later it began to ring.

Dante was still chuckling when I put the phone next to my ear.

“Okay, but,” Dante inhaled, and when I closed my eyes, I could perfectly picture him trying to compose himself, reigning in the few stray giggles that tried to escape. “You also gave me hickeys!”

“What? No, I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!” His voice lowered teasingly, “Or were you too blissed out that you can’t even remember?”

“Fuck you!”

“Please do.”

That made us laugh again, and when we both calmed down, I frowned into the phone. “Wait, didn’t you have practice today?”

“Yeah.”

I blushed. My voice faltering as I said, “And they didn’t see the-“

“Oh, they definitely saw.”

“Oh my God.”

“But I don’t give a shit.” I could see him shrugging his shoulders, his voice perfectly reflecting his lack of care. “I’m getting some, they’re getting none.”

“Jesus Christ, Dante.”

I lost track of time, but by the time we hung up, my parents were in their room, and the sky was dark outside. I was petting Legs softly, who laid her head on my lap. The phone was next to me on the floor, and the moon was bright outside.

A shrill cry came from the end of the other line, and I winced as Dante muttered. “Not again.”

“I’ll go for you.” I offered, knowing how Dante prefers to sleep over because of how loud Baby Emanuele gets.

Dante hesitated, then a louder cry from his baby brother helped him make his mind. “Please.”

When we laid in bed together that night, Dante put his hand on my cheek, and smiled softly at me. “God, I love you so much.”

I looked at him, seeing the bruises I made stark against his neck, the pink lips I loved to taste, the knuckles I loved to kiss every time I got overwhelmed by how lucky I am, the eyes I loved to see when he gazed at the stars or painted a masterpiece.

He must have seen something in my eyes, because he smiled, gave me a small kiss, and laid his head deeper into the crook of my neck. His breath tickled, but I refused to move.

I stayed awake for a little longer, looking outside my window to look at the moon, holding Dante close to me.

When his breathing evened out, slow and sleepy, I whispered quietly. “I was always looking for you, all this time, even without knowing what it is I’ve been looking for.”

Dante kept his eyes close, sleep hovering over him. I smiled down at him, kissing his forehead, and closed my eyes.

_Thank you for seeing me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have you ever felt like the world- truly, honestly, fully- belonged to you?
> 
> it must be a beautiful feeling, so beautiful that even Ari had once thought that it would be impossible to feel that way.
> 
> but now, now the world belongs to them, to you, to all of us.
> 
> let's set out to make beautiful things happen.
> 
> (every time i post a new chapter, this strange feeling overcomes me.
> 
> it's anticipation, excitement, nerves, because every time, i give away some of the dearest words i've held inside me for so long. 
> 
> and every time, i get closer and closer to the last word i'll write.
> 
> i hope you stick with me until then.)
> 
> (notes about this chapter:  
> \- this was a really long chapter, but since we're almost at the end, i had to include more things here to make everything flow in chapters 9 and 10  
> \- the book Dante recommended was Demian, by Hermann Hesse. i recommend it as well  
> \- sorry in advance for any grammar/spelling mistakes. i will edit the whole story once i finish it!)
> 
> like always, thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to read this story.
> 
> thank you.


	9. here begins a new life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of drug addiction (not explicit at all, briefly mentioned)

**Here begins a new life**

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

**\- Dante Alighieri**

In the end, Dante applied to the University of Chicago, New York University, UT Austin, and UT El Paso.

I applied to UT Austin, and UT El Paso.

It was still raining a week later, when Dante and I went to the library to finish the applications.

When Dante had noticed the three essays he had to write for Chicago, and the two supplementals for NYU, he had looked at me with furrowed eyebrows, already regretting wanting to apply. That day, doubt was clouding his mind, and I kissed him softly. “Just apply, okay? Who knows what might happen.”

“I’ll regret wasting all this time,” He muttered under his breath, but had let me hug him, “when we could’ve been in bed doing _much_ better things.”

I snorted, feeling the back of my neck burning, and even though Dante kept complaining about the applications, he applied anyway.

And now, we were in the library, both of us completing the Austin application.

"Why am I even applying?" I asked, throwing my head back as I rubbed my eyes. "They'll never accept me."

"Ari." Dante's voice was exasperated, and I glanced at him, seeing his eyes narrowed at me. "I'm the insecure one between us, so please stop it."

I laughed, making a girl from the table next to us shush me, but I only laughed harder.

Dante grinned, slapping my arm.

"C'mon," he motioned to the nearly finished essays in front of us. "Let's finish this and then let's get some menudo."

My stomach agreed with the thought, and we continued writing the short answers.

Eventually, we had to rewrite our personal statement to make it fit with the question UT asked, and it reminded me that I didn't even know what Dante's essay was about.

He had edited mine, and even gave me some ideas on how to improve it, but he kept his essay very secretive.

"You know," I started, trying to appear casual. "You never told me what yours was about."

Dante grinned almost shyly, which almost made my eyes widen because I couldn't remember ever seeing Dante shy. 

"It's about a lot of things." I raised my eyebrow. He kept mumbling. "You know, about my identity, and things like that."

"Can I read it?" I asked softly, looking into his eyes to try to see if he was uncomfortable, but he only grinned more.

"Not yet." He shook his head. Then, he considered something, and ended up nodding confidently to himself. "Wait until Christmas."

"Christmas?!"

People hushed me again, and I lowered my head, pretending to be writing, but I was still looking at Dante incredulously.

He shrugged his shoulders, patted my hand, and kept writing his essays.

I rubbed my eyes again, sighed, and put my pen to my messy notebook again.

"You were right." I muttered again, the pen bleeding ink as I let it rest against the paper.

"Huh?"

"We are wasting so much time when we could be doing more-" I licked my lips, and stared at Dante thoughtfully, " _productive_ things."

Dante's mouth fell open, and he stared at me like I was suddenly from another universe.

"What?"

"Every time I think there's no way you could surprise me anymore," Dante begins, his voice soft and aching, "you always do."

His words made my chest hurt, and I grabbed his hand, the one holding the pen, and kissed his knuckles.

"Thank god," I whispered against his skin. "Wouldn't want you to get bored of me."

"Never," Dante breathed out, and suddenly the table that was separating us seemed infinite, the distance large and unending. "Let's get out of here."

I stood up hurriedly, putting my stuff in my backpack, and helping Dante pack his.

Then we walked out the library hand in hand, and climbed into my truck, our lips immediately touching as soon as we were alone, forgetting everything about essays, universities, and the inevitable future that awaits us.

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

That day, we never got around to finishing those essays, but we managed just in time a week later, when the counselors were picking up the applications. 

"Some of you will receive the decisions in December," Mrs. Pedraza said, flipping through the envelopes that held our essays, our test scores, our transcripts. Our entire futures. "Some of you might have to wait until March.”

A lot of kids weren't paying attention, since a lot of them had decided not to go to college, and among them was Charlie Escobedo.

Even though he had never quite been my friend, he had still been with me since 5th grade. He was a constant in my life, one that wouldn't be when this year ends.

If things had been different, I might have hung out with him instead of Dante, Gina, and Susie. If things had been different, I might have become a drug addict, might have lived high, might have even gone to prison, just like my brother. If things had been different, I might have stayed being the same Ari I was before, the Ari that cussed at the rain, and killed sparrows in his dreams.

I was glad Dante found me.

“Do you know when Austin will release their decisions?” Susie asked once the counselor left, and the class was left alone.

Gina had been placed in another class, leaving just Susie and I sitting side by side.

I shook my head. “I think by the end of December.”

She nodded, hesitated slightly, then asked. “And Chicago, for Dante?”

“By Thanksgiving.” I sighed, and Susie sighed with me. I changed the topic before I got distracted by the possibility of Dante leaving, something that always left me nervous. “And you? When will College Station say?”

Susie sighed again. “Before Christmas Break, I think. Honestly, I-”

Her voice trailed off, and I waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. I could see it in her eyes that she was very conflicted about something, but didn’t quite have the words to say it yet.

“If I get accepted,” she started slowly, looking down at the desk. One of her fingers was anxiously tracing over and over again the initials someone had carved before. “I don’t think I would go.”

What?

I stared at her in disbelief. She kept talking softly, and I knew that if she talked louder, she would start crying.

“My dad threatened to kick me out if I left,” she admits, and raises her hands to her mouth to bite her nails, but I stop her instinctively, from the many times I’ve stopped Dante before. Instead, I grip her hand in mine, and that’s when she starts crying silently. Her voice breaks when she speaks. “And I can’t. I love my family. I couldn’t bear it if-”

Her voice hiccups, and I put my arms around her shaking frame. I notice that some people are starting to stare at us, and I glare at them, rubbing Susie’s back as she cries in my shoulder.

“Why are they making me choose?” She sniffles, and I could feel my heart breaking at the pure hopelessness in her voice, something sad and ugly, something someone like Susie should never have to feel. “They’re my family, why can’t they just support me?”

“I don’t know.” I closed my eyes, feeling her tears fall onto my shirt. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just held her tighter. I hoped it was enough, though I knew it wouldn't be.

When her tears stopped falling, I pulled her up gently.

“C’mon.” I grab my backpack and hers, and take her hand again, leading her outside the classroom.

I could hear some people whistling, and starting rumors with their friends as we walked out the door, but I just flipped them the bird behind my back, and pushed Susie softly.

The halls were empty, since 7th period was barely half-way through.

“Where are we going?” Her voice was raspy, still breaking, and I smiled softly at her.

“On an adventure.”

After telling Susie to wait a little, I walked to the classroom two doors ahead of us, and stuck my head in.

Immediately, I spotted Gina in the corner of the class, gazing out the window with an expression that seemed almost wistful.

Noticing that there was no teacher, I walked in.

“Gina.” I shook her shoulder, and she shook her head as she stared at me confusedly. I shook my head, and gestured towards her bag. “Susie needs you. Let’s go.”

In a blur, we were walking out the class and immediately saw Susie, who was leaning against a locker with her eyes closed.

“Hey girl.” Gina walked towards her, touching her cheek softly. Susie opened her eyes, and they were bloodshot. “Heard you need a little pick me up.”

Susie giggled wetly, and glanced at me. “Ari promised an adventure.”

“Well, then.” Gina drawled, holding Susie’s right hand while I held her left. “Let’s go.”

We walked out of school swinging hands, urging Susie to jump like little kids do, making her laugh and dramatically jump.

In the parking lot, we decided to take my truck, saying how we’ll come later to pick up Gina’s Beetle, and we started the 10 minute ride to Cathedral, to pick up Dante.

“Where are we going?” Susie asked, and Gina cocked her head too as they both stared at me expectantly.

“To pick up Dante.”

“But after?”

I only smiled, shrugged, and kept driving.

Luckily, by the time we arrived, school was already finishing, since a bunch of kids were already coming out of the doors.

We didn’t have to wait long, because I spotted Dante a few minutes later, carrying a sketchbook in one hand, two books in the other.

When he noticed me, he grinned brightly, and sprinted until he collided against me.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, and I cupped his cheek to kiss him softly.

I nodded my head to the inside of the truck, where Gina and Susie were peeking out the window to look at us. When we caught them watching, they both grinned, and waved at Dante.

“Susie.” Is the only thing I said.

Dante nodded, throwing his backpack to the back of my truck, along with the rest of ours, and climbed inside.

He smiled at Gina, and immediately hugged Susie, whispering softly in her ear.

I turned the ignition, and then we were off.

“Where are we going?” Dante asked, five minutes later, looking at the girls, who only shrugged in response. He looked at me, and I grinned.

“You’ll see.”

Dante shrugged too, turned on the radio, and began singing loudly when Livin’ On A Prayer came on.

Gina joined in soon after, when she recognized the chorus, and before we knew it, all four of us were screaming until we drowned out Bon Jovi’s voice.

By the second song- one none of us could recognize- we arrived at the destination.

Dante and Gina grinned at me while Susie stared in wonder at the huge amusement park in front of us.

I grinned too, grabbing Dante’s hand, and nodding towards the entrance. “Let’s go!”

We spent the whole day there, going from the highest roller coasters (where Gina almost threw up, constantly gagging, making all of us laugh endlessly) to the bumper cars that almost broke all of our friendships (and where a lot of “fuck you!”’s were thrown out, making some parents glare at us).

My favorite attraction though was the Laser Tag, where I completely obliterated everyone, even Dante who tried to distract me when we were in separate teams.

"Romeo, where art thou?" Dante called out, making me almost give up my position from the sudden urge to laugh. "Romeo?"

When his voice was behind me, I turned and stood up.

“I’m sorry, Juliet.” I said as I shot at Dante’s chest plate, watching his light turn off.

“Romeo, the fuck!” He screamed, walking backwards, and tripping. “Ouch!”

“Are you okay?” I put my hand on his shoulder, kneeling down, and that's when I heard them.

“Got ‘im!” Susie hollered as Gina shot me from behind, making my light turn off, defeating me. Then, Gina, Susie, and Dante all gave each other high-fives, and Dante stood up normally, making my mouth drop open in astonishment.

“Wow, I see how it is.” I shook my head at Dante, looking at his eyes, vowing revenge in that moment.

Justice was served when we moved on to the next game, a large set of obstacles called the Warrior Course.

When it came to the monkey bars, Dante was the first to fall, making me tease him.

“I would’ve thought your hands were stronger from all those lonely nights.”

The innuendo was lost on Gina and Susie, who were determinedly trying not to fall into the foam, but Dante definitely understood, because he squinted at me.

He crawled until he was below me, smiled innocently, and pulled my legs hard, making me fall until I was next to him.

“Fucking shit,” I whispered, grabbing my left leg with both of my hands, the stark scars running all over them from the accident very visible. “Fuck.”

Dante looked at me worriedly, biting his lip. “Shit, did I pull too hard?”

When he leaned closer to my leg, I threw myself at him, tackling him until we were submerged under the foam cubes.

“Ari! You fucker!”

Dante threw himself at me, and then we were laughing, at everything and nothing all at once, until Gina’s face appeared next to ours, scaring the living crap out of me.

I clutched my chest, and Dante's eyes were wide as we both stared at Gina, who simply raised an eyebrow.

She rolled her eyes, and pointed up, “Susie’s still going strong.”

We climbed out of the foam pit to watch Susie better, hollering at her to hang tight.

“C’mon Susie!”

“Left foot, there, yes!”

“A little more, a little more.”

We screamed when she made it to the end, and we hugged her as she dazedly fell backwards to the foam cubes.

I laughed, and threw myself again, feeling as Dante and Gina threw themselves too, until we were all just a pile of happy teenagers that were probably scaring everyone around.

The last game we rode was another rollercoaster, not as bad as the first one, though Gina still looked a little nauseous.

We decided to eat at a pizza place in the middle of the park, and while Gina and Susie ordered, Dante and I looked for a table.

“What happened with Susie?” Dante asked me, his voice worried.

I sighed, and glanced at where the girls were still waiting for the order. “Her parents said that they will disown her if she goes to college.”

“What the hell?”

“I know,” I shook my head, and tried to think for a moment of how it would feel to have my parents not support me. To have them decide my whole future. I looked at Dante, and saw that he was imagining the same thing, if the wince in his face meant anything.

“And what is she going to do?”

“She doesn’t want to leave anymore.”

“Well, shit.”

“Shit.”

We stayed quiet side by side, lost in our thoughts.

I remembered what my mom had told me once, a few years ago, about her own family. Years were rough back then, and they were rougher for women who wanted to be educated.

My mom’s dad had insisted that nothing good would come from going to high school, from going to college, but my mom fought back, and fought for her dreams.

She made it.

And Susie can make it too.

When the girls came smiling, with a huge pizza on their hands, we all grinned at one another, and dug in, talking about the kind of nonsense only high schoolers are able to talk about.

As we walked out of the amusement park, Susie’s voice was small when she spoke. “Thanks guys.”

Gina hugged her, and Susie fell into her arms. “We’re all with you, okay? Whatever you choose, we’re all here.”

Susie nodded, but her eyes were full of a pain only she felt.

Dante joined the hug, and motioned for me to join it too. Reluctantly, I put my arms around them, and we stayed there, four friends supporting one another under the fading daylight.

“You don’t have to choose right now,” Dante muttered to Susie, who nodded softly. “We still have time.”

 _Time_ , I thought bitterly, yet gratefully.

The shortest, longest, most meaningful, most meaningless thing in the universe. There’s always too little, too much, never enough.

And we were running out of time.

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

“Mom,” I sat down next to her. “I have a favor to ask you.”

She put down the quiz she was grading, took off her reading glasses, and looked at me. “What about?”

“Do you remember Susie? She came a while ago, when I went to that party on New Years.”

“Oh, yes!” My mom nodded, smiling fondly. “She’s a sweet girl.”

Before, I probably would have rolled my eyes and huffed a laugh. But now, I was too anxious for that.

“Well, thing is-” I start, and tell my mom everything, noticing how her lips tighten when I mention Susie’s parents threatening her, and how her eyes sharpen almost determinedly when I say how Susie is almost certain she won’t go to college anymore. “I was wondering if you could talk to her, since, y’know, you went through the same thing? Maybe that’ll help her know what to do.”

My mom didn’t even have to think about it. “Bring her any day.”

“Thank you.” I told her, kissing her cheek as she smiled at me.

“No tienes que agradecerme, Ari.” 

The next day at school, I proposed the idea to Susie, who seemed hesitant.

Gina was trying to convince her. She smiled at her. “C’mon, it won’t hurt to go and listen.”

Susie nodded, her eyes a little lost, before she turned to look at me. “And your mom, she ended up going?”

I nodded. “She graduated with honors.”

“What does she do now?”

“She’s a teacher.” I revealed, and Susie looked at me almost wide eyed, and I knew it hadn’t escaped her how my mom had accomplished the very thing Susie wants to achieve.

I knew she was convinced when she wiped the few tears that had gathered in the corner of her eyes, nodding slightly. “Okay.”

“Okay.” I grinned, and when school was over, I drove towards my house, with Gina and Susie following behind me.

I opened the door, and waited until the girls had come down from the car, before going in.

“Mom!” I said from the entrance, closing the door once we were all inside. “We’re here.”

Legs came running up to us, leaping at Gina and Susie excitedly, tail moving rapidly, and only calming slightly when they petted her.

My mom came from upstairs, and she smiled at us when she saw us. “It’s good to see you girls again! Sit down, sit down!”

We all sat in the living room for a while, my mom and Gina leading the conversation as we talked about school, our last visit to the desert, and the dreaded topic of college.

A small pointed glance from my mom made me get up. “Gina, let’s go make some sandwiches.”

We left for the kitchen, and faintly heard as my mom and Susie began to talk softly. I looked at Gina, and noticed the worry etched in the frown on her face. It made me glad to see that, as much as Gina pretended to be a careless, untouchable girl (though I had seen her real moments), she truly cared for her best friend.

“I really hope your mom gets through with her,” Gina muttered, grabbing the loaf of bread while I took out the ham and cheese.

I sighed, peeking at the living room, where they were still deep in conversation. “I hope so too.”

Gina and I ended up talking quietly in the kitchen while eating our sandwiches. 

“Y’know,” Gina began, swallowing the bite, and drinking a bit of her coke, “you never told us about those hickeys you had.”

I groaned, wanting nothing more but to hit my head against the wall as I felt my neck burning. “And I’m never telling you about them.”

“Aw, Ari!” She protested, leaning closer to me while she whispered. “Did you guys finally do it?”

“Gina!”

“Sorry, sorry!” She sipped her coke innocently, not sounding sorry at all. “Just curious.”

I shook my head, and watched nervously as Gina began to mutter under her breath, probably thinking of other intrusive questions to ask me.

By the time both of us finished our second sandwich, my ears were permanently red, and my mom and Susie had finished talking.

They walked into the kitchen, and Susie’s eyes were a little red, but they were both smiling.

We didn’t talk about college the rest of the day, but Susie seemed lighter somehow, liberated.

And in the classes the next days, whenever I would see Susie pouring all of herself into the essays and applications, I smiled.

Susie Byrd seems to have uncovered a mystery of the universe herself- our lives might have been given to us by our parents, but we are the ones to choose how to live it.

And what better way to live it than by chasing our dreams?

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

The first Friday of our Thanksgiving break, I slept over at Dante’s.

Since his parents and baby Emanuele had gone for a quick visit to his grandparents, Dante and I decided to stay at his house.

The first thing we did was try to make breakfast, which turned into a lesson where I was trying to teach Dante how to cook. Well, how to cook the few things _I_ knew how to cook, but we soon found out we were both pretty pathetic.

We managed to make some omelets, though Dante couldn’t stop laughing at one of our failed attempts, a burnt _thing_ in the pan that made the kitchen very smoky.

Once we finished eating, Dante went to get the mail while I took a quick shower.

When I got out, I went to his room, and noticed how Dante was sitting on his bed, his head hanging low, an open envelope in his hand.

I walked towards him slowly, “Dante?”

"Ari," Dante whispered, his voice void of emotion, his eyes wide and quickly filling with tears. "I got in."

"What?" I shook my head, sitting next to him. I looked at the envelope, noticing the maroon emblem in the corner, and the words littering the page held lifelessly by Dante. I felt a cold come over my whole body.

"I got into Chicago." He whispered, staring at the floor. I couldn't quite see if he was happy or not, but I still hugged him from behind, and gave his temple a kiss.

"I knew you could do it." I said against his skin, feeling my heart beat wildly at what this now meant, and making me feel like an asshole for dreading it. "Congratulations, Dante."

He nodded, but he was still unmoving.

I felt him begin to shake, and I moved until I was kneeling in front of him.

“Hey, it’s okay.” I told him, grabbing his face as tears began to fall quietly down his face. “This is good, Dante! Really good.”

He shook his head, I hugged him again, feeling him grab the back of my shirt tightly.

We stayed there until my knees began to hurt, but I refused to move. Dante kept sniffling softly, and eventually, he stopped shaking.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was raspy, his eyes a little red in the corners.

“No, hey.” I pressed a kiss on his lips, leaning back until he was looking at me again. “Don’t apologize. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to go,” his voice cracked, and my heart felt heavy. “I don’t want to leave.”

The _you_ was left unsaid, but was louder than any other sound that night.

I cupped his face in my hands. “But we’ll still see each other. Things can still be the same.”

“No, they won’t.” He stood up, starting to pace around his room as he wrapped his arms around him. “Nothing would be the same.”

I wanted to comfort him, to take him in my arms and make him see that things would be okay. But how could I lie to him? How could I tell him that everything would be fine, that we would still be us, when I didn’t know?

My knees cracked slightly when I stood up, and I walked towards him, pressing close and hugging him.

“Dante.” I kissed him slowly, roughly, feeling him lean more towards me, until our bodies were touching. "Whether you decide to go or not, I'll always be here."

And we kept kissing, with Dante switching from biting his lips nervously to biting mine. His hands traveled towards my neck, while I held him tightly by the waist.

“Don’t you get it?,” I asked against his lips, and he gasped when I picked him up, making him put his legs around my waist. I pushed him against the wall, pushing closer to him. I looked into his eyes. “You’re it for me.”

“Ari,” he breathed, and I kissed him harder until everything left our minds but us, and our now.

There came a point when I could no longer feel where my body started and where Dante’s ended.

All I could feel was him.

We stayed there for who knows how long, both of us awake, but not saying anything.

We didn't have to.

I smiled against his chest, sighing softly as Dante ran his fingers through my hair.

“Ari?”

“Mm?”

“You’re ‘it’ for me too.”

I pressed my head closer to my skin, smiling as he kissed the top of my head. 

We stayed talked quietly about whatever came to mind, still tangled in the bed until our stomachs began to rumble, making us go to the kitchen for something to eat.

While I was looking in the fridge, Dante was opening the cabinets. He broke the silence. “I’m not going.”

“Dante-”

He shook his head, and I saw the small flames inside his eyes, the burning and sure decision. Dante bit his bottom lip, and I raised my hand to pull it away gently. I laid my hand on his cheek, and he moved closer.

“I’m not going,” he repeated, quietly, and I nodded, kissing his forehead.

Sam and Mrs. Quintana supported his decision when they got back, saying how Chicago was too far away either way.

“There’s a reason why we moved back,” Mrs. Quintana reminded Dante, smiling at him while we all ate breakfast. She had baby Emanuele in her lap, feeding him applesauce with a small spoon, which somehow made him giggle and spit most of it out.

Sam nodded next to her, sipping on coffee. He simply told us, “wait for Austin.”

I looked at Dante, and Dante looked back at me.

That moment, more than anything, I wanted us to make it.

I hoped we made it. 

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

That Thanksgiving was the first one my family and I spent with other people.

My sisters and their families would usually only come for Christmas, which left my parents and I to always spend Thanksgiving alone, having a quiet dinner that always seemed to last a lifetime. 

This year, however, none of us were alone. Not anymore.

"Emanuele, please. _Stop_." Dante muttered to the baby, who sat on his lap, staring intently into Dante's eyes for yet another minute, and counting.

I snickered, and Dante glared at me. When he turned back to the baby, Emanuele kept looking at him. "Maybe he's trying mind control. He probably just wants more chocolate."

He didn't just want more chocolate, because after eating another piece of brownie, he continued his staring contest with Dante, who tried to look everywhere but at his baby brother. "This is so weird."

Eventually, Dante gave me baby Emanuele, settling him in my lap. Before we knew it, Emanuele was staring at me now.

"What the-" Dante muttered, and then in a louder voice, intended to be heard by his parents, he said, "he's defective, we have to return him."

I laughed, but Mrs. Quintana wasn't amused. Even though it had become a running joke to 'return the baby', Mrs. Quintana always took the opportunity to give a general lecture to everyone about the ineffective humor of today's generation.

"Okay, this is creepy now." I said, glancing at Dante who now grinned at me. Emanuele just kept looking. I held him closer to me, putting his head on my shoulder so he wouldn't be able to see me, and started rocking him. I shushed him gently when he started to whine, and moved him more.

By the time the turkey was ready, baby Emanuele had fallen asleep in his crib, and we were all ready to eat.

My mom lead a small prayer, and then we dug in.

Dinner was loud and lively. My mom shared some stories of her students, and Mrs. Quintana talked of new research she is planning on doing. Meanwhile, Sam kept cracking awful jokes that made always made Mrs. Quintana laugh, while the rest of us groaned.

At a particularly creative joke of the turkey, my dad laughed loudly, and it was such a strange (but utterly amazing) sight that I just stared at him, smiling.

When I turned to look at Dante, I found myself looking straight into his eyes, and he gave me a soft kiss on the lips. 

That Thanksgiving, I was grateful to have discovered the wonder of love.

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

The next weeks at school went surprisingly fast- too fast.

Before we left for Christmas break, some acceptances were beginning to come in.

Susie barreled inside the classroom one day, excitedly showing Gina and I the envelope in her hand.

“I got into College Station!” She giddily declared, her eyes wide, and a huge smile on her face.

Gina hugged her immediately, whispering something in her ear that made Susie smile softly. 

“Congrats Susie.” I hugged her from my desk, and she hugged me back tightly. “Knew you could do it.”

She pulled away, and grinned at me, “Thank you for everything. And send a huge hug to Mrs. Lily.”

I shook my head, smiling, “Will do.”

After that, probably a day later, Dante, Susie, Gina and I got into UTEP.

Gina exhaled in relief when we all saw each other. “Thank God!”

Susie rolled her eyes, but I nodded in agreement. UTEP was our safety school, and if we didn’t get into that one, we were fucked.

All four of us went to the desert the Friday we got off school, the start of winter break, and it felt strange.

Almost as if we were getting ready to say goodbye.

No one drank this time, nor did we get high.

Instead, all we did was lay side by side, and stare at the sky.

We had the radio of my truck playing, but other than that, the desert was quiet.

The stars weren’t as bright tonight, and the moon was so small- it made me realize how close our youth was to ending, how close we were to growing up.

Ritchie Valens’ voice suddenly came from the radio, and I felt a sense of sadness wash over me. 

_That’s one youth that ended too fast_ , I thought.

I squeezed Dante’s hand tighter.

_“You’re mine and we belong together-”_

“Will we always be friends?” Susie’s voice was small, but strong. Her dark eyes were shining under the night sky. 

“Of course, Susie.” Gina answered her immediately, and Dante hummed in agreement. “We’re all stuck with each other now.”

We laughed softly, and kept our eyes in the stars. 

I turned my head to look at the people I had grown to call my best friends. My eyes met Dante’s, and I smiled. “No matter what happens, we’ll always have this moment.”

“Nothing can ever take this from us,” Dante whispered, and I raised his hand to my lips, kissing his knuckles. Then we were quiet again.

_“- you’ll always, always be mine.”_

A part of me continued to feel that, no matter how much time had passed, this was all just a dream. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to be holding someone else's hand (and not just someone else’s, _Dante’s_ hand), to not be hiding in my room listening to the radio without anyone by my side, to not be looking at the stars alone (because I wasn’t lonely, not anymore).

_“Yes, we belong together, for eternity.”_

“We should set a date, or something,” Gina said, turning to look at us. “A day where we’ll always try to come back here, together.”

“In the summer?” 

“In the summer.” She nodded, and we all readily promised.

That night it felt as if we were leaving behind a piece of us, as if we were saying goodbye to a part of our lives that we might never get back.

After we packed everything, we all just stood there, looking at one another. Without saying anything, Susie opened her arms, and we all crowded around her, hugging each other, not holding back.

And as we left the desert, I noticed that each of us had a smile on our face, even though I knew that we all felt a strange nostalgia settling into our hearts.

That wasn’t the last time we went to the desert together, but it was the last time we were all seventeen (still just kids), the reality of just being high schoolers in the brink of growing up tasting bittersweet. 

When we left, we left behind nights of laughter and broken rules, skies full of love and acceptance, embraces of friendship and loyalty. 

But we continued to walk, because those kinds of things, the things you love and cherish, they never leave.

Not really.

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

When I got inside my house, huffing from the run with Legs, Dante called.

“Ari!” His voice was bright, excitement pouring out of every word he said. “I got into UT Austin!”

"Oh my God, Dante!" But then, I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “I can’t believe you’re more excited about Austin than Chicago.”

“Because I actually wouldn’t mind going there,” I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

“Then why'd you apply?”

His voice was quiet. “I wanted to see if I could get in.”

My chest felt like it was ready to burst because I was suddenly overcome with a fondness for Dante. I was grinning when I responded. “Dante, no one would dare to reject you.”

I was proven wrong when he got a rejection letter from NYU later in the mail, to which he only shrugged. “Oh, well. Maybe in another life.”

It was practically decided that day that Dante would go to UT Austin, and I couldn’t help the relief that flooded my body when he decided, because Chicago would have been hard.

I still hadn’t received any letter, but Dante reassured me that maybe it’s because they send them by alphabetical order. 

_You got in,_ he had said, a smile covering his face, _I can feel it._

That winter break, it snowed almost every day, making the streets utterly beautiful, and simply perfect for our last year in high school.

We would stay outside during the day, playing with the snow like little kids, or just reading side by side while snowflakes fell on us.

I was always the first to insist on going inside (without counting Legs, who preferred the warmth of the heater from the house rather than the snow), because it truly was freezing, and Dante would just shrug, and say something of how Chicago taught him the meaning of real winter.

But he would follow me inside, where Legs would pounce on us, and where we would sit in the living room, or in one of our rooms. We would drinking hot chocolate while reading poetry or painting, and would just act as if summer had never ended, as if it had simply turned into a snowy paradise.

Three days before Christmas, Dante told me how his parents are planning a trip to visit his grandparents in Fort Worth, and how they would stay the whole Christmas weekend there.

“I wanted to spend Christmas with you,” he frowned, laying down beside me on his bed, putting his arm around my waist. "Come with us?"

“I wish,” I sighed against his cheek, and he pushed himself closer until he could kiss me. “But my sisters are coming.”

I didn't say more, but Dante nodded, groaning into the pillow. He looked up at me after a while. “Can we celebrate on our own when we come back?”

I turned until I was face to face with him, bringing the blankets closer to us even though it was only 3 in the afternoon. Smiling, I kissed him again. “I plan to.”

My family and the Quintana’s went to the Ascarate Lake the next day, where we had a picnic to celebrate an early Christmas together.

I had little Emanuele in my lap while Mrs. Quintana ate, moving my arms slowly to keep him asleep.

Dante, while eating a taco of carne asada, smiled. “You’re gonna be an amazing dad.”

“Shut up,” I smiled at him even though my cheeks were burning, and he just gave me another tender smile.

We were all sitting on the ground, on top of a bundle of blankets, except for my dad who was tending the grill.

Sam tried to help, but we quickly learned that he can’t grill to save his life when he burned a few wings, and left others completely raw.

Little Emanuele started groaning, and I quickly shushed him and started moving my arms again, humming under my breath. He settled down, and I huffed out a breath.

I can’t even imagine how tired Mrs. Quintana must always be.

“Here,” Dante pressed a taco to my lips, and I bit it, closing my eyes at how good it tasted. I could sense my mom’s salsa, spicy and rich, and completely heavenly.

I opened my mouth again, looking at Dante expectantly, and he laughed, giving me the taco again.

We stayed there until late, all of us watching in wonder as the stars slowly appeared in the sky, the frozen water of the lake illuminated by the moon.

Dante grabbed my hand, and I grabbed his, both of us sharing looks of astonishment at the natural beauty all around us.

It started to snow a few hours later, and we all watched in wonder as everything around us soon got covered in white.

I looked at Dante, and found him looking at me with an expression that almost made me blush.

“What?” I whispered, not daring to raise my voice in fears of ruining the gentle atmosphere that had fallen over us.

Dante shook his head, pressing a chaste kiss on my mouth. He smiled, his eyes looking like sweet honey. “You’re beautiful.”

I was startled (because sometimes I still found it hard to believe that all of this was true, that this was my life now, beside Dante) but then a smile grew on my face, and I kissed him, again and again. His eyelashes had caught a few flakes, and his nose and cheeks were rosy from the cold. His expression was full of tenderness, and I couldn’t help but lean in again to kiss him. “You’re breathtaking.”

He grinned, and we turned to look back at the sky, feeling the bits of snow falling into our skin as if they were small kisses from the world.

In that moment, surrounded by those I love and the ethereal sights around us, I smiled at the universe, and the universe smiled back. 

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

My parents and I went to say goodbye to the Quintana’s just before they left, and Dante kissed me until I was left breathless. “See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

We waved at them, and watched as their car faded in the distance.

When we got back to the house, my dad immediately left for his last day at work. While my mom went inside the house, the first thing I did was open the mailbox, almost dropping them when I saw the one on the very top.

_University of Texas at Austin._

My hands were shaking, and when I took out the folded paper, I closed my eyes.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

I unfolded it, and when the paper was in front of me, I opened my eyes.

I only read the first word before I was yelling. "Fuck yes!"

Throwing my head back, I laughed at the bright sky, thanking every god out there for this.

My mom came outside. "Ari! What in the world-"

"Mom," I grabbed her hand, smiling widely that my cheeks hurt. "I got into UT Austin!"

"What?!" She yelled along with me, hugging me tightly, spinning us in circles until we almost fell to the ground. "Oh, I'm so proud of you!"

We walked back inside the house, my mom and I still giggling as we sat down together in the living room.

"Read it!" My mom urged me, and I laughed, but began to read the letter.

"Dear Angel Aristotle Mendoza, congratulations on your acceptance to the University of Texas at Austin's CAP Program-" I stopped, then re-read that again. "Wait-"

My mom came closer to me, both of us reading the letter in silence now.

"Oh." When I got to the part explaining the program, my shoulder's fell. "Oh."

"This is still amazing, Ari!" My mom smiled, bumping our shoulders together. "It's just one year."

"I know, but-" I trailed off, thinking of how Dante and I were still going to be apart, even if it was for a year.

"I know, honey." She hugged me, combing my hair through her fingers. "But a year goes by fast, you'll see."

I nodded, and swallowed down the dread that had begun to grow in me.

And now I had to wait for Dante to come back to tell him everything.

Thankfully, time seemed so short now that we were all busy preparing the house for Christmas.

My dad and I brought a Christmas tree home, and we spent the afternoon decorating it, adding the lights and spheres, and putting a few gifts under it.

We even put a huge bone with a ribbon for Legs, who saw it and would lick it when she would think we wouldn’t see.

My sisters and their families arrived at our house on the 24th, and immediately, the house was filled with the playful screams of my nieces and nephews, who started to run around the house after just greeting me with an “Ari!”

I grinned at them, fist-bumping the older ones, and turned to my sisters and their husbands.

Cecilia was the first to see me, and she smiled gently at me. “It’s so good to see you, Ari.”

She hugged me, and I hugged her back. “It’s good to see everyone again.”

When we pulled back, I smiled at her, and she cocked her head to the side, looking at me. Before she could say anything, Sylvia grabbed me and hugged me too.

“You’re so tall now!” She exclaimed, still holding on to me, and I hugged her back, laughing when she patted my head.

Sylvia stared at me, and exchanged glances with Cecilia, and I prepared myself for the usual teases and taunts, but they never came.

Instead, they just smiled again, and told me how we were going to have a long talk later.

Biting back a groan, I nodded, and shook hands with Hector and David, who talked to me for a bit before going with my dad.

One of my nieces, Bianca, pulled my hand, and pointed to Legs, who was bouncing all around the place, sniffing the new people. “Doggy.”

“Her name is Legs.” I whistled, and Legs came running towards us, sitting down with her tongue hanging out of her jaw. I kneeled, and looked at my niece.“Do you want to pet her?”

Bianca gripped my hand, and nodded shyly. I grinned, and showed her how to rub Legs in between the ears, which soon made her lay on the ground, eagerly waiting to be petted on the stomach. 

Bianca just giggled, and kept playing with Legs. I stayed with her, showing her the tricks Legs knew, until my mom called me from the kitchen. “Ari! Come here, please!”

I went into the kitchen, and the first thing I saw was my mom with my sisters side by side, and I almost groaned again.

“Ari,” Cecilia had a playful grin on her face. “Mom tells us that you’ve found someone.”

I looked at my mom, and she only shrugged with a smile. I sighed, and shook my head, but I couldn’t find it in myself to even be annoyed.

“Dante’s my boyfriend.” I admitted to them, smiling as I looked at the ground. It felt weird to call Dante my boyfriend, because a part of me knew that we were more than that. Dante was my life partner, my best friend and the person who makes me feel strong enough to live everyday. God, even though it’s only been two days, I already miss him.

“Wait, Dante?” Sylvia frowned, turning to look at Cecilia. “The same Dante that you saved from the accident?”

It made me uncomfortable whenever the accident was mentioned, and I still hated talking about it. But I nodded, and added, “my best friend.”

Sylvia smiled, and went to hug me. I noticed for the first time that I was taller than her, taller than Cecilia too, and it felt a little strange to be the one to be looking down at them now. “I’m so happy for you, Ari. You deserve to be happy.”

“And you do look happier,” Cecilia spoke from behind us, tapping Sylvia until she could hug me too. She gently tugged on my hair, smiling widely at me. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

Even though the age difference between us had always been a towering barrier, for the first time, I truly felt like they were my sisters, like I was just their younger brother and not a son.

For the first time, I felt like we were all born at the right time.

They continued asking me questions, about Dante, about college, and they squealed when I told them of Austin.

It truly was strange, to be acting so normally with them, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t like it.

When I mentioned how Dante and I always go to the desert, Sylvia interrupted.

“Wait-“ Sylvia looked between my mom and I. “You’re meaning to tell me that you actually let them be alone together?”

When my mom just smiled, all chaos broke loose.

“This is so unfair!” Sylvia began, shaking her head wildly. “You didn’t let Hector and I be alone until we were engaged!”

Cecilia’s eyes were wide as she stared at me in disbelief. She whispered, almost as if in shock, “You are boyfriends! You can’t be alone until marriage!”

I couldn’t help it.

I started to laugh.

For a while, Cecilia and Sylvia only stared at me, and I realized that I had never truly laughed freely before in front of them.

They still knew me as the boy who felt sad every day for being born.

Slowly, they began to chuckle, and my mom only shook her head, smiling at us.

“But really,” Cecilia started, giving me another smile, “I’m proud of you, Ari.”

I rubbed the back of my neck, and made an excuse to get out of the kitchen before they could keep telling me emotional things.

I went with my nephews and nieces, and played ball with them for a while, with Legs running for both teams.

We had Christmas dinner all together the night of the 24th, with everyone talking about everything.

Hector talked to me about Austin, since he had also gone to UT, and convinced me that it was a great school, and that I would really like it.

Sylvia joined us, and they both pestered me about what I wanted to study, but I only shrugged. “I still haven’t decided.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Business or management.” I said, cutting the tamales in my plate. “Maybe English?”

Sylvia smiled knowingly, and gently said, “You did always love to write, didn’t you?”

I nodded, and thought back to the typewriter hidden in my room, to the journal I had finished, to the poems I loved to read.

“Well, whatever you decide,” Sylvia said, turning back to her food, “I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“Thanks.” I muttered, and kept eating.

Dinner ended surprisingly fast, though maybe it was because the kids were rushing everyone so that they could finally open their presents.

As everyone sat around the Christmas tree, opening presents, drinking sangria and eggnog, I hoped that next year Dante and his family would be with us.

I ached to write my brother another letter, telling him about the way the stars shone tonight, and how everyone’s smiles were brighter than. 

Bianca pulled me to play with the rest of the kids, and my parents laughed when I began to chase them around the house.

I felt free, I felt happy, I felt like I belonged.

 _This_ , I decided, smiling to myself, _is the best present I could have gotten._

**"In that book which is my memory...**

**on the first page that is the chapter**

**when I first met you appear the words...**

**_Here begins a new life_ ** **."**

Dante and his parents came home on the last day of December, just in time for New Year’s.

When he saw me, he immediately ran towards me, hugged me, and kissed me so long that I felt as though my bones had melted into a puddle beneath my feet.

“I missed you.” He murmured against my lips, and I pressed closer to him.

I grabbed his cheek softly, kissing his forehead, temple, jaw, nose, and then his lips again. “I missed you more.”

Just when he opened his mouth to retort, I beat him to it. “I have news.”

His expression brightened as he remembered my vague words when we talked on the phone yesterday, and he looked at me curiously, cocking his head to the side.

“I got into UT Austin.” I admitted, and suddenly Dante threw himself at me, making me put my arm around his waist, and one hand under his thigh to prevent him from falling.

“Oh my God, Ari!” He screamed in my ear, and I laughed into his neck. I hugged him closer to me. “We can go together, oh my God!”

He turned to look into my eyes, and kissed me so deeply and desperately that I forgot the world existed for a moment, and only felt his soul with mine, intertwined as if the red string of fate held us together.

When we had to pull away to breathe, he leaned his forehead against mine, and opened his eyes. With him so close, I could count the tiny specks of gold inside his eyes, the little stars I loved to see more than those in the sky.

“Wait, but-” I stopped, catching my breath while Dante looked at me. “I have to start at UTEP first, just one year, before I go to Austin.”

I explained to him the CAP program, and even though a bit of his excitement had faded, he still hugged me. “Just one year. We can do it.”

“Yeah,” I nodded against his neck. “We can do it.”

My parents and I were soon helping the Quintana’s with the food for that night.

Dante and I were in charge of putting the grapes in the cups, 12 grapes for 12 wishes.

It started to rain by the afternoon, and Legs was stuck staring gloomy at the patio door, since my mom didn’t want her to get dirty.

To pass the time, we played board games, with Sam and my mom obliterating everyone at Scrabble. My dad was the first to lose in Jenga (without counting baby Emanuele, who slammed his fists against the tower when it was his turn), and it soon turned into a war between Dante and I that only finished when Legs decided to wag her tail against the tower, leading to a tie.

We had dinner a little before ten, and before we knew it, we were all running around when the tv hosts were starting the ten minute countdown.

My mom grabbed the broom while I got the suitcases and placed them by the door. Dante and Sam brought money to the living room, and then we all sat there, counting down with a cup of grapes in each of our hands.

"10!"

"9!"

"8!"

"7!"

I looked at Dante.

"6!"

"5!"

Dante grinned at me.

"4!"

"3!"

"2!"

I grabbed his hand.

"1!"

And I kissed him. And he kissed me.

Gently, we pulled away only to smile at each other.

“I love you, Dante.”  
“I love you, Ari.”

My mom hugged me, kissing my forehead, and I kissed her cheek in return. My dad grabbed my shoulder, and hugged me tightly. I kissed Mrs. Quintana’s cheek, and Sam’s too, hugging them both. I grabbed little Emanuele, and embraced him softly. And then I kneeled, giving Legs a huge kiss.

“The wishes!”

I ate each grape slowly, thinking carefully about my wishes. Happiness, health, good memories.

For my twelfth grape, I looked at Dante, and wished for all of our summers (and springs, and autumns, and winters) to be together.

At 12:11, we ran out the front door carrying a suitcase, for luck of having many travels.

And at 12:20, we cleaned the house with a broom, to get rid of all the bad energy inside.

Dante passed me the pennies, and together, we threw them over our shoulders while our parents washed their hands with a dollar bill.

When everything calmed down, and the new year was finally settling in, Dante and I walked outside to look at the fireworks in the distance. We held hands, and when I turned to look at him, I noticed his breath because of the cold.

Before we knew it, it started to snow again.

He turned towards me, a small smile on his face, “Happy New Year, Ari.”

“Happy New Year, Dante.”

And we kissed again, small snowflakes landing on our heads and shoulders as our lips burned with a fire strong enough to keep us warm in the harsh winter.

I pulled away, watching as his eyes fluttered open, how they gazed back at me softly, lovingly, and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

Dante cupped my cheek in his hand, and used his thumb to rub away the stray tear that fell. He didn’t ask why I was crying, and I had a feeling it was because he knew.

“I’m so glad you came into my life, Dante.” I whispered against his lips, and I was kissing him again, and he kept kissing me back.

Dante sighed softly against my skin, and softly said, “And I am the luckiest to have you by my side, until the end of the universe.”

We held each other as we continued to watch the fireworks above us, almost as if they were stars exploding in bursts of colorful lights.

1989 would be a beautiful year.

“Until the end of the universe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since next chapter will be the last of this story, i thought it would be fitting to tell everyone the short version of the story of how everything began- of how i fell in love with the story of Ari and Dante.
> 
> i was walking through the tall bookshelves of my local bookstore, lingering in the Young Adult section (like i always did).
> 
> and it must have been fate, because my eyes landed on a beautiful book, with a cover that made me want to read it (because even though books should not be judged by their covers, i couldn’t help but think of how this particular cover was a work of art, and deemed that the book must be art itself).
> 
> the title caught my attention and reeled me in, making me wonder about a universe where a Greek philosopher and an Italian poet could possibly be connected.
> 
> and when i opened the spine beneath my fingers, as if unraveling a time capsule from my childhood, i soon realized that this moment was always meant to happen.
> 
> because it just so happened that right there, in the second page, my birthday was gazing fondly back at me, telling me that i was always meant to read and love this book.
> 
> because june 15 was the day Ari and Dante met, and it just so happened to be the day i was born.
> 
> it might seem like such a small thing, nothing more but a happy coincidence, but for me, it was a neon sign in the middle of the opaque world telling me that _i was meant to live._
> 
> and sitting in the cold floor of a small bookstore, with my back to the wooden bookshelves carrying millions of stories, i began to read Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets To The Universe.
> 
> and to this day, Ari and Dante continue to live within my heart and soul, because it was them that helped me understand myself, and more than anything, taught me how to not be afraid to live.
> 
> to Benjamin Alire Saenz, i say thank you for breathing life into these two boys that found the beauty in every crevice of this universe, and for sharing their story with us to help us find those beauties within ourselves.
> 
> to the readers of this story, thank you for giving me the opportunity to give my own voice to Ari, to show you his Dante through my eyes, and to experience their love through these words. 
> 
> the next chapter will be the last, but the story of Ari and Dante will continue to live inside each and every one of us, because the things you love can never really leave.
> 
> and so, with a bittersweet smile and a heavy but content heart, i ask you to hold my hand, and accompany me to the end of this wonderful adventure.
> 
> (but so long as the universe refuses to end, so will the love between Ari and Dante, and the countless of stories that are yet to be told)
> 
> thank you.
> 
> (notes for this chapter:  
> \- after realizing that this chapter was almost 10k by itself, i realized that i probably should have added more chapters than just 10. because of this, a lot of scenes were not included (ari & dante reading dante's essay, spending a christmas together, etc). perhaps i'll write all of this scenes as one-shots in the future.  
> \- this chapter and next chapter will have time skips that might seem abrupt, but they were the only way to get the story going. i tried to make them as smooth as possible, but i realize that the story sounds fast. sorry about that!  
> \- and sorry for the long end note!)
> 
> once again, thank you!


	10. we are the universe

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

**\- Aristotle**

I learned how to swim in the summer of 1987.

I was just another lonely fifteen year old, trying and failing to find his way in the world, in the sky, in the desert, but never really belonging anywhere.

Until he was taught to swim.

"My name's Dante," he said, and I had started to laugh.

"Sorry," I said, smiling at him though he did not quite know why. He thought I was making fun of him, but it wasn't that. Not at all.

"It's okay. People laugh at my name." He pretended as if that didn't hurt him, and I knew that he thought I was going to be like the others, the ones who only cared about being more _hombre_ and _macho_ and didn't care about anyone no matter how badly you hurt them.

"No, no," I said, coming closer to where he sat by the edge of the pool. "See, it's just that my name's Aristotle."

Dante's eyes suddenly became like stars, bright and glorious and true. A part of me understood this was the beginning of something I couldn't quite name then.

"Aristotle," I repeated, and we doubled over from our laughter, my stomach cramping and my cheeks aching from the smile on my face. Dante had tears in his eyes.

That moment, neither of us quite knew it, but our summers were going to be different.

That day, I learned more than just how to swim.

I learned how to love in the summer of 1987.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

One night, I wrote Bernardo a letter.

The longest, most vulnerable letter I had ever written to him.

In those pages, I told him how I fell in love with someone who made me love being alive, someone who taught me to always look in every little corner of the world, someone who gazes at the stars and makes the stars gaze back.

Someone who taught me how to swim.

Someone who finally saw me.

I told him how his name is Dante.

Before sending the letter, I sat with my parents, my mom nursing a glass of wine, my dad and I a bottle of beer.

I told them how I was ready to tell Bernardo everything, but I would understand if they didn't want me to send that letter yet, in fear that Bernardo will never respond again.

My chest felt tight when I thought of how I didn't want to lose my brother so soon after having him back, but every time I wrote "my friend" just before Dante's name, it felt _wrong_.

Almost as if I was dishonoring the beautiful thing that existed between us.

"No, Ari," my mom shook her head, grabbing my hand gently. She glanced at my dad, both staring at me. "Whatever way Bernardo reacts has nothing to do with you and Dante, okay?"

"I know, but-"

"Ari," my dad's voice was stern, and I looked down, taking another gulp of the beer. "If Bernardo doesn't understand what love truly is, then he doesn't deserve to have your letters."

Their faces were solemn, but determined.

I loved them so much.

"Okay." My voice was a whisper, but I cleared my throat and spoke louder. "Okay."

The next day, I mailed the letter with shaky hands, and did not receive a response until a week later.

His letter was the shortest he had ever sent, only three words.

_Te amo, Ari._

Inside was another drawing.

It was two women, with fireworks in the background, smiling at each other gently and beautifully.

Dante had been with me when I opened the letter, and he hugged me from behind when I began to cry.

When he saw the drawing, he kissed my neck, and hugged me tighter.

I felt Dante start to cry too, his tears falling into my skin, but I was smiling. He was smiling.

I showed my mom the drawing, and we framed it, putting it in the living room with the other pictures of the whole family.

Before I mailed my next letter, Dante gave me a folded paper to include along.

It was a drawing of the desert, with my truck a bit off into the distance. If you looked closely enough, you could see two figures laying in the back of the truck, side by side. 

In the corner of the paper was a small signature. _Dante Q._

I kissed him, and he put his arms around me, pulling me close and holding me tight. I looked up at his eyes and smiled.

The great thing about brothers- even if they have made mistakes in the past, they still understand the meaning of family.

And they will never forget the meaning of love.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

  
  
On the last day of school, Gina, Susie and I stood side by side as we watched everyone pour out of the school, ready for summer to start, ready for the next step in their lives.

"I still remember our first class together," Gina said suddenly, her eyes a little teary as she looked at the school fondly. I looked at the doors I had walked through a million times before, then at the tree just in front of the parking garage that continued to survive even after a few crashes here and there. I turned a little to look at the football field to the side, the field I had never visit. "8th grade, right?"

I remembered the class Gina was talking about, and judging by Susie's hum, she remembered too.

It was Algebra, and I still remember how walking into that classroom always gave me headaches. I remember the teacher, Mr. Montes, who always screamed until his neck veins were in plain view and threw books at our desks to make us pay attention. I remember Gina sitting in the back with me, chewing gum loudly and fixing the heavy makeup that she still didn't quite know how to use. I remember how that was the first time we met Susie, the quiet girl who started to cry at the teacher's screams, then promptly wiped the tears away once the teacher got in trouble.

"I still hate Montes." I muttered under my breath, but Susie heard me and chuckled.

Gina nodded in agreement, and muttered, "good riddance."

I grinned. We went quiet again.

This somehow felt different than our graduation, even though graduation was supposed to be the big event everyone remembered. But graduation had been for a thousand seniors, our names lost in the wave of an entire generation. This moment was just for us.

"Is this really it?" Susie asked, her voice small, and Gina sighed. I swallowed the sudden knot in my throat, and turned to look at the benches where I used to sit while I waited for my mom to pick me up. But now we were going to be gone, and once summer ended, the new generation will sit there while we sat in our college classes.

"This is it." I turned to look at the girls, and wasn't surprised to see Gina rubbing the corners of her eyes carefully while Susie sniffled. I looked away, and rubbed at my own eyes. "Are you guys ready?"

Neither of them said anything, and before I could regret it, I grabbed Susie and Gina and pulled them into a hug. They hugged me back, hugged each other, and we stayed there for a while.

"I think I'm ready."

"Let's go, then."

Waving at them, I climbed into my truck while they got into Gina's Beetle.

I turned the ignition, and stayed there as I breathed in and out.

It felt strange, staring at the building where I always used to be so miserable at. I was never one of the top kids in the class, nor was I an athlete or a popular guy. But I liked to read during boring classes, loved to write even more, and I could not help but feel a fond attachment at the school that saw the Ari-before-Dante turn into the Ari-after-Dante.

I wiped the tears that fell from my eyes, and gave the school I had grown up in one last smile.

_Let's go._

I pulled out of the parking lot, and drove away for the last time.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

Summer was here again, and along with summer came the promises of days filled with breathy laughter, of starry nights together in the desert. It came with the promise of blistering kisses under the unforgiving sun, of drinking icy Coca Cola's in the steps leading towards the house, of pool chlorine on our skin, of creaking spines of classical poetry books, of remembering how it felt to be back in our youth, when two boys began to learn to love.

Summer came with promises never meant to be broken.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

A week before Dante's birthday, the Quintana's decided to take a trip to Austin.

Before I could even open my mouth, Mrs. Quintana looked at me from the corner of her eye. "Of course, you're coming too, Ari."

When I got home, I found out that my parents already knew.

"It's good to get used to the school," my mom said, and promised that we would go together someday later.

On Thursday, Dante came over after he finished packing, and laid in my bed while I put enough clothes for the three-day trip in my old school backpack. Although I could not see him since I was hunched over a pile of clothes on the floor, Dante's voice had an excited tilt that made me grin from his contagious happiness.

“—and then the bats at night." Dante said, and I hummed as I closed the bag. I stretched my back, and threw myself next to Dante, both of us looking at the plain ceiling. Dante sighed quietly. "So many things to see."

"We'll have time." I said and closed my eyes, thinking of everything that could happen between now and then. "Four years."

We fell quiet after that, and after pushing off my shoes, I got more comfortable in the bed. I expected Dante to come towards me, like he always did, but instead, he kept his gaze on the ceiling.

”I don’t want this summer to end.” His voice was quiet, his eyes drawing paintings all over the ceiling.

I smiled. “It just started, Dante. We still have time.”

”I know, but–”

”I know.”

There was something different about this summer.

And it wasn’t just because we were going to college as soon as it ended, no. It felt different because we were stuck in this middle ground, not quite adults, no longer teenagers. It felt like we were supposed to rediscover ourselves all over again.

Dante turned on his side, facing me, and I did the same. His eyes were a little red, and I ran my thumb over his cheeks softly, moving a little closer until our legs crossed and twisted with each others. 

"Ari?"

"Hm?"

"Remember that night in the desert?"

"I think you'll have to be a little more specific than that—"

"Fuck off," he pinched my arm, and I smiled against his neck. "When we got high, and then it rained?"

"And we got naked for the first time."

"Yeah," Dante nodded, laughing a little, and I closed my eyes. "Can you believe it's already been more than two years since then?"

I couldn't believe that, because I could still feel the rain on my skin, wearing only shoes, having a hazy mind, all of it as if it had been yesterday. I shook my head, and Dante went quiet. 

That day had felt different, I realize now. Maybe because it was the first time I truly bared myself, in every way, in front of Dante, or maybe because that was the first time I felt an inexplicable urge to touch him, to burn in his embrace. 

I hesitated a little, but I broke the silence that had begun to grow. "When we were there, I was scared."

"Of what?"

"Of what I would do if you had touched me." I admitted, and pulled back slightly so I could see his face. His lips were parted, and his eyes were wide. "Sorry, I-"

I don't know what I would have said after, because he brought me closer again, and kissed me desperately. I pulled him closer, grabbing his neck, his shoulders, the curve of his chin. He pulled back a little, just enough that I could feel his breathing against my lips. "I'm touching you now."

"Yeah."

"Are you still scared?"

I pulled him towards me again, pushing and pulling until we were gasping for air, my lungs burning as if we had smoked pot again. I ran my fingers through his hair, kissing my way up his neck and towards his ear. "Not anymore."

He smiled and I felt the droplets of rain on my skin when he kissed me again.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

By the time I finished putting my stuff in their car, Dante and the Quintana’s were hugging my parents goodbye. Baby Emanuele giggled when my mom tickled his stomach, and when he left her arms, she grabbed me next.

“Remember to call us as soon as you get there.” My mom told me, finishing the safety speech she had given me throughout the morning. “And be careful, alright.”

She kissed my forehead, and I kissed her cheek. “We’ll be okay, mom. Don’t worry.”

My dad hadn't left for work yet, and he patted my back with a small smile on his face. "Enjoy everything, alright?"

“Alright.” I said, smiling at him, and before I could hesitate, I hugged him. “Los amo.”

"Nosotros te amamos mas." My mom said, and we waved at them from the car.

"Ready, boys?" Sam asked, looking at Dante and I from the rearview window.

Dante and I looked at each other, grinning. "Ready."

The trip was around 600 miles, but it felt longer than that.

Dante immediately fell asleep against the window in the first hour, since it was still early in the morning. Mrs. Quintana and Sam were talking quietly to each other, and baby Emanuele was cooing at everything he saw out the window. With nothing to do, I grabbed a book I brought with me, and started to read.

By the time I got to the eight chapter, Dante leaned against me, and I had to shuffle us around until I could use my arms to flip the pages of the book again. I heard Sam laughing softly, and I looked up, our eyes meeting on the rearview window. I grinned, shook my head, and went back to the book.

Our first stop was at a small town called Banhorn, and I had to shake Dante for a solid minute to get him to wake up long enough to go outside. We trudged together to a restaurant called Chuy's, where all four of us ordered some breakfast while baby Emanuele was content with his milk bottle, and then we were off on the road again. 

With Dante awake, I stopped reading, and we played some games like we were kids again. 

He punched my arm whenever we saw a red car, and I hit his hand whenever I saw a white one. We drew a truce when he got overexcited and sent me towards the car door, making Mrs. Quintana gasp in horror even though we were laughing.

Before we knew it, the road that seemed endless began to stretch wider, buildings appearing in the distance.

Dante and I shared grins.

We had arrived.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

Austin was different than El Paso.

Of course, I knew it was going to be different, but actually seeing the city with my own eyes made me realize that this was going to be my new home next year. I would walk these streets everyday with Dante, eat in these restaurants, smile and laugh at every little weird thing we would find. 

It was strange, but in a good way.

We parked the car in the hotel, and after very little convincing, managed to get two rooms, one for Sam and Mrs. Quintana with the baby, and another for Dante and I.

Dante wiggled his eyebrows at me, waving the key in his hand, and I snorted. But then I outright laughed my head off when Mrs. Quintana saw Dante, threw him a glare, and hissed under her breath, "we will be right next door, don't get any ideas."

After throwing our backpacks on the floor, Dante threw himself on the bed, and I opened the curtains. "Dante, look!"

We didn't necessarily have a good view, but we managed to see the see a good part of the street, and in the distance, we could see the UT Tower.

Dante gasped and grabbed my hand, pulling me outside. "Let's go!"

"Wait!" I grabbed the key to our room, and let him pull me down to the hall, towards the next room.

"Mom, dad!" Dante screamed, and I looked around warily, hoping the other neighbors don't come out and scream at us. "Hurry up!"

The door swung open, and the rest of the family poured out.

"Dante!" Sam exclaimed, his eyes never leaving Dante's. "Patience is-"

"-a virtue I don't have, I know." Dante finished, and I grinned, "c'mon!"

In the end, we decided to leave the car in the hotel, choosing to walk the streets and enjoy the sights.

Dante would often gasp, grabbing my arm and pointing at things his eyes would catch, and my own breath was often stolen at the new wonderland we stumbled upon.

"Remind me of that one." He would say every time a new mural stood in our path, and I would nod, even though the rest of the art he had pointed out was already fading from my mind.

But it was okay. We had time to remember every detail of our new home.

Then our steps faltered, and I felt my heart beat faster once we stood in front of the school. Dante grabbed my hand, and I held him tightly.

"There it is." I could barely hear my own voice, but Dante hummed in response.

"C'mon, boys!" Sam said, his smile wide as he looked at us, though I could see that his eyes were a little sad.

It made me nervous again, to think of moving away from home, away from my family, right into a new life.

A tug in my hand reminded me of where I was, and I looked at Dante, who smiled back at me. "Let's go."

I smiled. "Let's go."

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

That night, Dante and I groaned as our bodies fell together onto the bed, limbs aching from walking all day, skin still damp from the shower.

We shuffled around until we could get under the covers, and I turned on my side, hugging Dante as he moved closer until he was leaning his head against my chest.

"What do you think?" His words were spoken softly, almost a whisper though we were alone. 

I leaned my chin on the top of his head, closing my eyes, letting his quiet breathing lull me to sleep. "I think we're going to be really happy here."

I felt his smile against my skin, and I smiled too.

Because today, when Dante held my hand while walking around the city, no one gave us a second glance. When I leaned forward to kiss his cheek, no one even muttered a word.

Because today, while we were walking through the downtown of the city, we saw a girl in a yellow jacket holding hands with a girl in pink shorts. Because today, Dante gripped my hand tighter when one girl kissed the other, and we both smiled at each other when no one said anything then.

Mrs. Quintana, Sam, and baby Emanuele were a few ways ahead of us when we stopped. I turned to Dante, and he looked at me, eyes bright and a grin on his face. "Kiss me."

"No," I said, smiling. " _You_ kiss me."

And he kissed me. And he kissed me. And he kissed me.

And I kissed him back, smiling and laughing in between because for the first time, strangers saw us as two people in love kissing, not just two boys kissing.

"I love you," I whispered, staying awake long enough to hear him breathe out the same three words before we fell asleep in each others arms.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

When I opened my eyes in the morning Dante was still sleeping, his arm loose over me, his breathing heavy and even.

I softly ran my fingers through his hair, and smiled as he sighed in his sleep. I yawned again, and a quick glance at the window told me it was still early. 

Moving carefully, I stood up from the bed, stretching as I took the hotel phone with me to the bathroom.

"Ari!" My dad exclaimed once he heard my voice. I grinned when I heard him speak to my mom. "Lilly! Ari's on the phone!"

"Ari!"

We talked on the phone for a while, with my parents (mostly my mom) asking me about how everything looked and how the school was. I told them of how vibrant the city is, with its infinite murals and colorful streets, and how the school is not as big as it sounds.

Before hanging up, my mom made me promise to call her again when Dante woke up, to talk with him too, and I agreed.

By the time it was 9 A.M, I was bored out of my mind.

"Dante."

No response.

"Dante."

Nothing.

"Dante!"

A groan, and then a hand slapping my arm. "What?"

I pushed myself on top of him, hugging him tightly. "Happy birthday!"

"Huh?" I hold in my laugh as Dante looks around through squinted eyes. He looks at me for five straight seconds, then lets his face fall against the pillow again. "Not my birthday yet."

A laugh escapes me this time, and I move until I am laying by his side again. Only his hair is peeking out from under the blanket, and I carefully pull it down until I can see him again. I kiss his forehead, then his cheek, his nose, his chin, his lips.

"Happy birthday, mi viejito."

That made his eyes snap wide open.

"Who the fuck are you calling 'viejito'?" He demands, and my stomach hurt from cackling at the disbelief on his face. Under his breath, he murmurs something that sounds like, "the audacity."

He takes advantage of my defenseless state by pushing me against the bed, and then we were off, trying to beat each other in an impromptu tickling war.

Since it was his birthday, I let Dante win, of course. But then a knock on the door made Dante push harder than usual, making me fall off the bed, tangled in the sheets. "Ow, fucker!"

Dante looked at me and snorted, making me laugh until we were both red in the face again. I still don't understand why these moments happen sometimes, when nothing in particular happens, but we laugh because of each other nonetheless.

Opening the door, I see Dante grinning at his parents and baby Emanuele, taking the cake that was in their hands with an awed expression.

He turned to me, his eyes shining. "Tres leches, Ari. Tres leches."

I smiled, and after saying good morning to the rest of the Quintana's, we sat down on the couch with the tv turned low. I called my parents again, and all together, we sang Dante Happy Birthday. He pretended to blow out the candles, since lighters were not allowed on the hotel, and then we ate.

Dante talked with my parents for a while, telling them basically the same thing I told them, but everything sounded more special with his words. They hung up by the time we finished our pieces of cake.

Sam and Mrs. Quintana passed Dante a gift bag they had brought that was full of clothes, a new backpack, and unfortunately for him, a new pair of shoes. 

"For college." Mrs. Quintana said, and Dante threw himself at them, making me grin behind my fork.

"Thank you." He kissed each of their cheeks, and rubbed baby Emanuele's cheek with the back of his finger. "Los amo."

Sam ruffled Dante's hair, and patted his back. Then, he cut more slices and made us eat until our stomachs were on the point of bursting.

With a sigh, I leaned back, and huffed a laugh when baby Emanuele burped his cake onto the sofa, making Sam and Mrs. Quintana panic at the stain. Dante snorted again, and when our eyes met, he bit his lip to stop the laughter from coming out.

"Get ready, boys." Mrs. Quintana said, sighing before making soft noises to get baby Emanuele to eat more cake. She turned back to us with a tired but excited smile. "We're going out soon."

They left soon after, and just as Dante stood up to get changed, I grabbed his arm. "Wait."

He looked at me, and I pulled him towards the couch again, waiting until he was sitting down before going to my backpack and looking for his present.

"I got you some canvases and watercolors and stuff," I threw over my shoulder as I got out the gift. "But I left those at your house."

"You didn't have to get me anything," Dante said, eyes following me until I was back beside him. "Having you is more than enough."

His words almost made me blush, but I shook myself before I would get too distracted. I pushed the other part of his present towards him.

"It's not much, but—" I shrugged, and smiled when he grinned at me, tenderly grabbing the lithe package. "It's just for you."

I watched as he carefully peeled the tape off the edges, pulling the parcel paper back and taking out the notebook inside. With a soft touch, he opened the first page, and read the words I tried to write as nicely as I could. Then he kept flipping the pages, his eyes almost shinning with hunger as he took in every metaphor and rhyme that decorated the pages of a leather journal. 

Finally, he looked at me, his expression almost lost. "They're—"

"—poems." I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck. I tried to smile at him, but I barely started to realize in that moment how nervous I felt as I waited for his reaction. I added, "they reminded me of you."

He looked back at the journal, thumbing through each page, probably noticing the names of writers in the bottom right of every page, and how the occasional page had a blank corner. 

"And these?" He asked, but I knew that he knew what they meant because his lips were pulled into a soft smile, the smile that makes me want to kiss him every time I see it. 

"You already know." I tried to cover my embarrassment with a laugh, but Dante stopped me when he scooted closer to me until our bodies were almost on top of each others.

"Tell me anyway."

I swallowed, my eyes flickering from his bright eyes to his messy hair to his inviting lips. I ran my hands over his sides, settling one hand on his waist, another on the curve of his cheek. My voice came out as a whisper. "I wrote those."

With a nod, he put the notebook on the coffee table next to us, and turned back to me with glistening eyes. Before I could say anything, he leaned towards me and kissed me.

And then I was on fire, and could do nothing more but embrace the heat he always made me feel.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

The rest of his birthday was spend visiting everything that caught our eye.

We went inside hidden bookstores with dusty shelves and rickety floors, buying at least one book in every store.

After we ate at a small outdoor restaurant, Mrs. Quintana and Sam told us how they got entrance tickets for Mexic-Arte Museum, where we spend more than two hours gazing at masterpieces of our culture that reminded me of a home I never had. While looking at a painting of la Virgen de Guadalupe, Dante got this strange look in his eye, the one he gets when he suddenly wants something. 

I looked all around us, noticing the silver plaques besides each work, all with different and unique names belonging to an individual who bared their soul for the world to see. I grabbed Dante's hand.

"One day, we'll come back here," I started, pulling on his arm until he turned to face me, "and your paintings will be on these walls, your name on these."

I pointed at the special stones that certain artists got, commemorating the impact they had on the artistic world of Mexicans. Dante worked his bottom lip with his teeth, only stopping when I gently pulled it away. He smiled at me, something vulnerable and unsure. "You think so?"

"No, I know." I said, pulling him into a hug, right there in the middle of the museum. I kissed his forehead. "You'll see Dante. You're gonna make history."

When we left the museum, Dante threw one last glance at the building that held countless of stories, a glance that said a million things- _wait for me, you'll see, I'll make it, I'll do it._

Sam was waving at us from where he and Mrs. Quintana were a few ways ahead of us. I waved back, and turned towards Dante. He looked at me, and smiled.

We kept walking through whatever part of Austin we could reach, stopping frequently to take some pictures with Sam's instant camera. 

Then before we knew it, the sky was beginning to darken, and the Quintana's left us alone in a park near the hotel after extensively promising them we'll be careful on our own and that we would be fine. 

Dante and I sat on a bench, our arms pressed together as we held hands without caring who saw.

“That's pure art,” Dante whispered, gazing at the sky fondly, reaching out his right hand as if he could feel the fire that was painting our surroundings. I looked at the sky, at the scattering reds and oranges and broken pink pieces that looked like a beautiful rain of fire. 

Then I turned towards Dante, saw all those colors reflected in his eyes, in his smile, and I felt my lips curling up as I turned to look back at the sky.

Maybe it was in that moment, or maybe it was something I gradually came to understand, but I realized that every secret of the universe lived inside Dante Quintana.

And in that moment (or maybe somewhere along the lines of what had become our story), a pat of me realized that I would love Dante until the end of the world.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

Summer meant days of dry heat and cold glasses of lemonade under the shade. It meant closing your eyes, breathing in the wind, and letting everything fall off your shoulders in the wake of having nothing to do. It meant cleaning our rooms, drawing and writing something new, falling asleep together every night.

Summer meant trips to the desert, dancing in the rain, swimming in public pools, kissing in the night. Summer meant running with Legs until our chests hurt, boarding public buses with no destination in mind, reading Neruda while the sun began to set. It meant smiling and not worrying about anything else for those moments.

Boys like us belonged in the summer.

But summer also meant saying goodbye.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

A week before classes began, Dante and I were in his room, packing his things.

“This one?” I asked, holding up a hardcover of The Alchemist. Dante looked back, and immediately nodded. I added it to the box of random things he was planning to take, already full with other books, including Gericault's Raft of Medusa, with it's pages soft from constantly being read, and closed it with packing tape. 

Dante was putting his clothes away in plastic bags, and I noticed how he hadn’t packed any shoes yet, making me grin.

“Dante,” I said, and he turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow. I pointed at the pile of shoes in the bottom of his closet. “Shoes.”

He sighed, reluctantly standing up, and put two pairs into the plastic bags before closing them.

I helped him put his paints and brushes away in a smaller box, and Dante told me which sketchbooks to pack, and which ones to leave.

Eventually, in an hour or two, his room looked almost like mine, neatly empty, and so unlike Dante that it hit me again how I was no longer going to see him everyday when the summer ended.

Dante grabbed my hand and pulled me close, sighing as we took in his room, looking at the cardboard boxes.

“I always used to be so excited for college,” Dante admits, his voice small as he stares at the boxes on the floor, “but now, it’s almost like I dread going.”

I hugged him from the side, nodding at his words. “It's because we wanted to grow up, and now—”

I trailed off, but he nodded. I kissed his jaw, and he hugged me. We stayed there, swaying to the silence.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Dante.” I whispered, and he smiled against my neck. “We’re going to have a great life.”

He pulled back just enough to look into my eyes, and the way he looked at me made me feel beautiful— loved.

“Any life with you in it is going to be beautiful.” He murmured, and we kissed each other again and again.

Kissing Dante was like finding the perfect word that rhymed for a poem, like looking at the sky and seeing an endless horizon, like breathing and living a life that was worth living. Kissing Dante made me feel like I was standing under the rain, no longer alone, no longer sad.

It made my fingers ache to write, to compose a lyrical poem that perfectly described the curve of his smile, to mix and match metaphors and similes that would never do justice to the light inside his eyes, to the fire of his being.

I wanted to write to him, for him.

I just wanted to write.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

"Ari?" Dante's voice came from the top of the stairs. "Can you come for a second?"

Mrs. Quintana took baby Mani from me, and nodded towards the stairs. "Go ahead. We'll be leaving in a few."

I nodded at her, waving at Mani, before climbing the stairs, the notebook I had grabbed from my house digging into my skin from where I had tucked it into my pants.

When I got to Dante's room, he was sitting in his bed, his knees tucked into his chest. I sat next to him, and he grabbed my hand. I kissed his knuckles.

We were quiet for a while, simply soaking each other's presence. I put my hand against his cheek, and he looked at me the way that makes me lose my breath sometimes. Closing my eyes, I kissed him softly, afraid that I was going to cry at any moment. He was just so beautiful- beautiful the way flowers are when they begin to bloom. Beautiful the way books are, with cracked spines and tender pages from ages of being read and loved. Beautiful the way some things are simply beautiful, without hurting, and without trying.

"Dante," I whispered, my voice on the verge of breaking from the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes. God, how I loved him. I took out my notebook from the waistband of my jeans, and held it tightly in my hand. Years of my life were engraved in these pages. Words straight from my heart were written all over, bleeding from the wounds I used to have. And I was going to give them all away to the boy who managed to fix me by simply showing me I needed no fixing. "I wanted to give you this."

Dante looked at me with wide eyes, his hand reaching for the notebook he had seen me write a couple of times. He hesitated, and instead put his hand above mine. "Ari?"

I swallowed, and put his palm on top of the notebook. "I've written in it for so long. Even from before I met you, but I barely finished it."

He kept looking at me, his eyes shiny with tears. I felt one slide down my cheek, and he wiped it with his thumb.

"And I want you to have it."

"Thank you." He whispered, and laid his hand above my heart, kissing me again, just a brush of lips.

I pulled him more towards me, both of us falling into each other like we always have, like we always will.

"It'll go by fast." I whispered, scared that if I spoke any louder my voice would break. "You'll see."

A part of me knew that we would be fine, that this was just a normal part of growing up, and that we would be okay. But another part of me was nervous at starting college, at being away from Dante, at going back to the way I used to be.

Dante leaned his forehead against mine, and gave me a smile.

"I'm completely and entirely in love with you." He said, and I kissed him again and again.

"Dante, you drive me crazy." I hugged him, putting my head against his neck. I kissed whatever spot I could reach. His fingers ran through my hair. "Te amo, te amo, te amo."

Eventually, we had to let go of each other, but we didn't say goodbye.

We didn't have to, because this wasn't the end of our story.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

I didn't see Dante for over three months.

We talked on the phone every week, nearly every other day.

He told me stories about his new friends, about the shy Maria that reminded him of Susie, and the pale Brandon that listened to the loudest of songs. He talked about his classes, how he hates the prerequisite Statistics they make everyone take, but is incredibly interested in Philosophy. He mentioned how weird the city is, and how he unexpectedly loves UT Austin. 

He tells me that he loves me.

In return, I tell him about UTEP and baby Emanuele, who I've started calling Mani, which always makes him giggle. I tell him about Gina and her constant whines about still being single, and how Susie never once forgets to call Gina constantly. I tell him that I still don't know what I will major in, although by the next time we would talk, I would have already decided.

I tell him that I love him.

Before he had left, we had agreed to send letters to each other for old time's sake, even though we talked on the phone very frequently.

This time, I refused to let anything remain unspoken between us.

_Dear Ari,_

_I love you, and I miss you so much._

_Did you know that Austin is one of the few places left that still use moonlight towers? At night, instead of the moon we would see in our spot, I can see ten other little moons too! It's weird, honestly, and it kind of makes me wish I could go back to the desert._

_God, I can't wait for next year._

_But anyway, I read another book that I think you'll like. It's called "Flowers For Algernon." It's about this man that has a surgery to make him smarter, but so many things happen. But Ari, the book is amazing. Very humane._

_Have you read any new books lately?_

_There’s still nothing new to report on my roommate, although I found out he loves ramen noddle's. They're okay, but nothing compared to the tacos de cabeza from Chico's. Just thinking about it makes me hungry._

_Write to me soon. Or call me when you read this letter. I don't know when you'll get this, but I want to hear your voice whenever that is._

_Love,_

_Dante._

_Dear Dante,_

_You would not believe what happened with Gina._

_When I saw her today, after class, she was panicking and almost crying. After we sat in silence for a whole hour, she finally told me what was bothering her._

_Dante, she kissed a girl._

_Apparently, she got drunk at a sorority party (and you know how wild those can get), and she ended up making out with a girl she never met._

_I thought she was going to go back to how she used to be, with us, but she was panicking more because, to be honest, I think she actually liked it._

_When Susie found out, she laughed and told us how she wished she could have seen that._

_Anyway._

_Legs learned another trick yesterday, and now she can dance to La Bamba! She told me to tell you that she cannot wait until you come back to show you. And I promised her you would bring her treats directly from Austin. Oops._

_For my class, we had to read the Iliad, and I have to say, I actually liked it. Your dad lend me his copy, and it was so interesting to read while looking at his comments on everything happening. It made me think that maybe writing on books is not that bad..._

_How are you liking graphic design? Have you thought of getting a minor? My philosophy class is surprisingly very interesting, and it's making me want to study more about that, but I'm still not sure._

_And my parents say hello!_

_I miss you._

_Love,_

_Ari._

_Dear Ari,_

_I admit, when I read your last letter, I could not believe what you told me about Gina. In a way, I understand why she must have been scared. After all, we both were._

_Tell her I'm sending her my biggest hug, okay? I hope everything turns out okay._

_On another topic, I decided to change my major (again, I know, I know, but this time, I think this is the one), but I’ll leave it up to you to guess. One hint, it has Art in the name._

_Speaking of art, f_ _or one of my classes, we had to paint a moment where our lives changed, and I tried to do it justice. I'm sending you the painting. I hope you like it._

_I miss you more and more every day. I can't wait to see you._

_I love you._

_Dante._

_Dear Dante,_

_Right after we ended our call yesterday, I checked the mail and noticed I got a letter from Bernardo._

_Dante, he asked about us._

_I know that he probably does not approve. After all, he's been living with those beliefs his entire life, but like my parents said, at least he's trying._

_I still don't really know what to write back._

_And before I forget, Susie told me to tell you that you guys should meet up one day, since you're both closer to each other. Maybe Gina and I can join you guys halfway? We can't let you guys have all the fun._

_I miss you too. More than I thought I could miss you._

_Can't wait for Thanksgiving._

_I love you._

_Ari._

_Dear Ari,_

_Yesterday, I was reading your journal, and I wanted to say that nothing about you could ever make me hate you. You would not believe the relief I felt when you said how I was your first friend, because you were mine too. The more I read your words, the more I understand you, and the more I love you. Thank you for trusting me with all of your thoughts. I'll keep them safe._

_Can you believe that there's just one more week, and then Thanksgiving break? Just one more week until I can see you again. I miss you so much. How am I supposed to survive another semester like this?_

_Isn't it funny how now I can't wait for next year, whereas before I used to never want summer to end? And it's all because of you, Ari. It's always been you._

_God, I want to kiss you and leave as many stars on your body as there are in the universe._

_One more week._

_I love you,_

_Dante._

_Dear Dante,_

_By the time you receive this letter, you will already be back home, but I wanted to write it either way so you have one to read as soon as you get back._

_It still feels weird to go to the desert without you. Don’t get me wrong, the desert is calm, and the sky is beautiful, the stars bright, but (and I know how cursi it sounds) you're not with me, and I think that’s why everything feels different._

_I turned around, about to tell you something, and you weren’t there._

_You said you wanted to kiss me and leave stars on my body, but Dante, I need to kiss you and make you understand just how much you've changed me._

_Before I met you, I used to be scared of swimming. I used to look at the stars and see nothing more but specks in the sky. I used to read books and hope the ending would come sooner._

_Then you came into my life and I fell in love with the rain, with the night sky, with poetry and deserts and you._

_I fell for you, and I don't regret a single thing._

_When you read this letter, do me a favor._

_Go outside. Look at the sky. See the moon? I'll also be looking at it._

_We might be miles apart, but nothing can ever really separate us._

_I love you. I love you. I'll always love you._

_Ari_

He came home the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, tired and sore from the bus ride, but happy to see everyone again.

When I saw him, I kissed him until we had to pull away to breathe.

He leaned his forehead against mine, and spoke against my lips. "God, I missed you."

"I missed you, too." I whispered, and then we were kissing again.

He slept over at my house that night, after saying goodnight to his parents and baby Mani, and sneaking out of the house were I was waiting for him.

That night, we laid together in the darkness of the room, only illuminated by the open window that let the soft shine of the moon inside.

Dante was tracing my jaw. Then my lips. Then he kissed me and started to go lower, embracing every part of me he could reach.

Our bare skin touched, and it felt like we had a fever, like we were standing in the middle of the desert in the day, pressed against each other, looking into the sun.

I closed my eyes.

I was scared that when I opened them, he would be gone.

But he wasn't. He was still here.

And I kissed him everywhere to remind me that he is real, this is real.

"I love you," his lips touched mine, and I brought his body closer to mine, looking at his face for a moment.

He was divine.

"I love you," I told him, and I kissed him again and again, trying to engrave my touch onto his body for him to remember once he leaves again.

We fell asleep entangled in a mess of limbs, our hands gripping one another as every other part of our body refused to be separated.

And I could do nothing but watch with a helpless smile as I fell harder and harder in love with Dante every day.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

Dante was still asleep by my side when Legs woke me up, ready for her morning run.

I stood from the bed as quietly as I could, changing into some shorts and a shirt. While I was putting on my shoes, Dante's voice rang out from behind me, drowsy and heavy with sleep. "Where you going?"

"Taking Legs for a run," I murmured, going towards the bed to kiss the top of his head. He smiled a little, and seemed to be about to burrow back into the blankets when his eyes cracked open again.

He yawned and stood up, picking up his shirt from where it had fallen on the floor. I stared at him.

When he was reluctantly putting on his shoes, I remembered how to speak. "Where are you going?"

"With you." He stared at me as I was the weird one and yawned again. I shook my head, laughing a little at the sleep that was still hiding behind his eyes.

"Why? Go back to sleep more." I tried to push him gently towards the bed, but he spun us around until we were just spinning in my room, giggling into each other. "C'mon, sleep some more. We'll be back soon."

Dante shook his head, and grinned at my direction. "Let's go."

I huffed out a laugh, and walked with him downstairs, where Legs impatiently waited for us by the door. The door to my parents room was still closed, making us hold our breath until we were outside the house.

Before we started to run, I turned to Dante again. "You sure? You can still back out."

"Ari, Ari, Ari," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. I held him closer. "I want to spend every moment with you, even in the damning hours of the morning."

I looked at him, and he looked at me.

We laughed.

While we were running with Legs that Saturday morning, I couldn't help but be a little more distracted than usual by the blinding shine of Dante's smile.

He took my hand, and pulled me along, both of us chasing Legs while she chased a pigeon off the street.

When she jumped at the poor bird and howled sadly when it escaped her grip, we started to laugh again.

He might not remember that moment, just another memory between us, but for me, that day would forever be ingrained into my mind.

Looking at the way the sun shone against Dante's skin, the way his smile grew every time he watched Legs do something, and hearing the sound of his contagious and loud laughter made me feel like the luckiest person in the entire universe.

I decided what words to say at our wedding that day.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

"I leave tomorrow," he murmured against the hollow of my throat, his breath warm against my skin. He came closer to me, and I wrapped my arms tighter around him. 

"I know." I whispered against the top of his head, and then we were quiet again. The air around us was cold, but underneath the blankets, and with our bare bodies touching at every centimeter, I had never felt warmer before.

When we came down the next morning, we ate breakfast with my parents, who kept the conversation light when they must have noticed our low spirits.

After helping with the dishes and the table, it was time to leave.

"Take care, Dante." My mom hugged Dante tightly, and my dad patted his shoulder. "Give us a call once in a while."

"I will." He smiled at my parents, and then kneeled to give Legs one last hug and kiss. He cooed at her, "who's a good girl? Legs. Legs is the best girl."

She nuzzled into his embrace, and he laughed, hugging her tighter.

Then he took my hand, and we left to go to his house. 

I never wanted to let go.

Before we knew it, we got to his house. I greeted Mrs. Quintana and Sam, and watched fondly as Dante grabbed little Mani, bouncing him in his arms while Sam put the last of his stuff in their car. Mrs. Quintana asked me about my parents and how they were doing, even though they had just seen each other yesterday when we met for a lunch.

"Good," I grinned at her, then turned to make a face to Mani that made him laugh giddily, leaning more into Dante who smiled at his baby brother. "Everyone's good."

“I’m glad,” She smiled at me, and was about to say something else when Sam called her name. She took baby Mani from Dante, gave us a pointed look, and walked outside.

Then it was just us.

I turned to look at him, and he grabbed my waist, pulling me closer.

We kissed desperately, and I tried to memorize the shape of his lips, the soft sounds he made, the way his body molded so perfectly with mine.

I put my hand gently on his cheek, and pulled back to look into his eyes.

They were like stars.

Everything went by in a blur, and I could only watch hopelessly as Sam stood outside the car while Dante hugged and kissed Mrs. Quintana, nodding at everything she was saying. With gentle hands, he grabbed baby Mani, and spun him in circles until there were giggles in the air. Then Dante hugged me tightly again, and gave me another chaste kiss.

When the car came to life, I leaned down to give Dante one last kiss through the open window while Sam talked with Mrs. Quintana on the other side.

"I hate every time I have to leave." He muttered, looking at me as if he were drinking me in, though I guessed I was doing the same thing.

"I hate it too." I grabbed his hand and pressed a kiss on his knuckles. "Just two more weeks, then Christmas break—"

"And then one more semester."

"One more semester," I repeated.

Dante gazed at me with a wistful expression, as if I was already gone, but I leaned down to kiss his forehead to make him smile instead.

He did.

"See you soon." 

"I love you."

"I love you."

Standing next to Mrs. Quintana and baby Mani by the side of the road, we waved goodbye to our boys as they drove away.

Eventually, when the car was no longer visible, I hugged Mrs. Quintana, waved at baby Mani, and drove away too.

The seat next to me felt empty, like it always does when Dante's no longer here.

But as I drove to the desert, alone for the first time since I met Dante, I would look occasionally steal a glance at the little tennis shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror that bounced along the uneven path, and I would smiled.

And when I laid by myself in the back of the truck, staring at the stars, I hoped this semester would go by quickly.

I hated having to say goodbye to him again.

I hated watching him leave.

But I love him for doing what he loves.

I love him for his pride and ambition.

I love him for always taking off his shoes, for running with Legs endlessly, for being by my side in the middle of the desert.

I love him because he’s never afraid to get what he wants.

I love him because he's beautiful, in ways that make even the stars and moon pale in comparison.

I love him because he's Dante, my Dante.

And maybe this summer went by faster than I expected.

Maybe it's true that this summer is already gone.

Maybe it's true that I won't get to see Dante again until a few months ahead.

But it was okay.

We had all the time in the world.

I looked at the stars and smiled.

There will be other summers.

**"Love is composed of a single soul**

**inhabiting two bodies.** **"**

**_And you and I,_ **

**_we are one with each other_ **

**_and the universe is one with us._ **

**_fin_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i am sorry.
> 
> writing this chapter was hard, and it took some time and a lot of trial and error to get the story to come off the way i intended it to. for taking such a long time to update the story (half a year!), i am sorry.
> 
> but more importantly, thank you.
> 
> ari and dante found a place inside my soul that allowed me to know who i truly am, that allowed me to find my voice, to speak my name and smile.
> 
> to them, to you, i dedicate this story.
> 
> the past few months have been a bit difficult for me, as i imagine they were for everyone. all i can say is that i am glad to be here right now.
> 
> there are a millions and millions of words in the universe, and none of them are enough to express how thankful i am to be living right now. how thankful i am to be able to finish this story. to be able to wake up tomorrow, smile, make mistakes, grow stronger, and live just a little more.
> 
> once again, thank you for accompanying me on this wonderful adventure with our Ari and Dante. thank you for the constant encouragement, for the endless love, and for the kind support all of you have shown me. i am deeply grateful.
> 
> there is nothing left for me to say except thank you, once more, for giving me a chance to listen to my words, to hear my story. from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
> 
> and even though this is the end of yet another chapter in the lives of Ari and Dante- like i mentioned in the last end note- their love is endless, and like the universe, it is vast and changing. perhaps one day, we will all come back to this very moment, and relieve a beautiful memory found in the deep corners of our minds.
> 
> but for now, i say thank you, bid you all a good night, and a warm see you later.
> 
> (one last notes section:  
> \- i cannot even begin to count the amount of times i changed this chapter. it never quite felt ready. honestly, it still does not feel complete to me, but this is as good as i could make it. i hope it's enough  
> \- edits for the whole story will begin sometime this week. i'll update each chapter's notes to keep track of which i have edited. if i missed any spelling/grammar errors, sorry!  
> \- there were a lot of scenes i deleted from this chapter because they didn't quite fit, or because they were just filler. among these scenes were a spring break road trip, a graduation ceremony, Dante learning to drive, and Ari's birthday. if some parts of the story appear to be abrupt or too sudden, it probably is because that's where one of these scenes used to be. perhaps in the future i'll make another story of all the scenes that couldn't quite fit here, who knows?  
> \- i couldn't make up my mind about what Ari would give to Dante for his birthday. at first, i thought of a ring, but it didn't quite fit yet. then after reading more poetry books, i thought of the journal full of Ari's favorite poems that remind him of Dante.  
> \- the letters have no flow because Ari and Dante call each other on the phone, and a lot of things that are mentioned in the letters are addressed in those calls. i'm sorry if it sounds confusing!  
> \- what do you think Dante painted as his moment when his life changed?)
> 
> and last of all, this is what i imagine happens after:
> 
> Ari ends up majoring in Creative Writing with a Philosophy minor. Dante sticks with Studio Art and a minor in Philosophy, just for shits and giggles. Susie doesn't see her family again for the four years she is in college, but eventually, her mom reaches out, and they slowly fix their relationship. Her father never accepted her again. Susie moves to Houston, and Gina follows. They rent an apartment together. Gina never quite finds the 'someone' she hoped to have, but having Susie by her side is more than enough. She never kisses another girl again, but the memory stays in her mind. Ari and Dante constantly visit them, and they keep their promise- every year, on July 11th, they go back to the desert and stare at the stars. Baby Mani grows up hating English class, but loves it when Uncle Ari reads him stories written just for him. He's Ari's first fan, and eventually, he would be the one to receive the first copy of his printed book. Dante makes a painting of the desert, and manages to sell it to a local museum in Austin. He becomes a recognized contemporary painter, and cries into Ari's shoulder when they call him a "Hispanic revolutionary." Ari never quite finishes the stories he starts, but he makes a pocket book of poetry that kickstarts his career. Dante jokingly tells him to write a love story, and Ari does. He writes their story. it becomes a best seller. And sometimes, when life gets too loud, Dante and Ari drive towards the desert, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes in a weekend, and they remember their summer days full of youthful love. They kiss under the rain, two men (forever boys in their soul) who are never ashamed of their love.


End file.
